#65 THE CHINESE AMERICAN DOCTOR: WHY I MESSED THIS UP
#65 THE CHINESE AMERICAN DOCTOR: WHY I MESSED THIS UP
Sometimes we aren’t healed enough to be the right match for someone else
I’ve dated/been on dates with a few very lovely men in my time, including Theo, Charles, my now-husband, Michael, and one very handsome Chinese American Doctor. I’m talking really lovely and charming people with legitimately good hearts – those genuine gems of humans. But like with Noah, the second person I met at Starbucks, or any number of missed or almost connections over the years, timing is everything.
And sometimes timing is not on our side.
When I met Hudson, I was not ready to date, having exited my previous relationship with Captain Thor mere days before. What can I say? I was a terrible, terrible serial dater and had lots of emotional issues that I didn’t face (or perhaps acknowledge) and that would not be worked on until many years later.
I’ll call the Chinese American Doctor ‘Hudson’ (because he’s from New York) – and yes, IRL he has a very American name but I never asked if he gave himself this name or his parents named him – like my friend Ferron who has a real Korean name and my Chinese friend Anna who also has a real Chinese name as well as an English name.
It was early September 2012 and I’m sure I re-signed up on my OkCupid dating profile practically before the plane wheels hit the tarmac post-breakup with Captain Thor in a New York hotel room, where we had sex, he left, and I cried my eyes out.
Hudson messaged me asking if the area (i.e. Columbus, Georgia) was a sufficient culture shock (because I revealed I was from northern England and had lived in south Georgia) and asked how long I’d lived there. To be fair, Columbus was more metropolitan than the tiny town of Alapaha, Georgia, where I grew up. I’d lived in Columbus roughly a year at this point. Hudson had been there three months. We had some lighthearted chatting (I have put the whole exchange in bonus material as I’m sure everyone doesn’t want my posts to be a million words long) about what there was to do in the area, the good restaurants, and the nice parks.
I said I was hanging out at [posh apartment complex name] with my friend Anna at her apartment and he said, coincidentally, he also lived there. It was the very same gated complex where Captain Thor and Captain Texas had lived – and Anna rented an apartment there to be closer to her boyfriend but by then we were both single. Hudson had opted for the most expensive and fanciest apartment on offer in the complex, though.
He said if I wanted to have a break from grading papers, I could come over for a drink. I said Anna and I were hanging out and I didn’t look my best. He said it would be interesting to meet. I agreed but said just that week I’d gotten out of a long-term relationship (or rather I was a long-term placeholder). I said I wasn’t looking to date but I’d be happy to be friends.
He replied:
I appreciate the explanation but I wasn't under the assumption that meeting you was going to lead to anything more than getting to know you. If our personalities click awesome, still no expectations. If not, not everyone we initially get a good vibe from turns out to be people we want to have in our lives, but you never know unless you put yourself out there. How about this, you have my number now so, whenever you're comfortable with grabbing a bite or a hike or something, feel free to give me a text or call, if I don't pick up it's probably because I have no reception in the hospital, leaving a message is up to you in case you change your mind on that.
I said I’d wanted to explain in case I was sort of glum when we met.
He said:
One would actually have to be an absolute Debbie Downer to hang out with me and be depressed. I'm one of those annoyingly optimistic characters...kidding but I'm generally pretty charismatic in person. I'm on call at the hospital Saturday late afternoon until Sunday morning. If you're okay with hanging out Saturday in the morning, I'm thinking maybe check out the National Infantry Museum and grabbing lunch at the Fife and Drum Restaurant, something to cross off my to do list, or I'm open to suggestions. Sunday afternoon is good for me too.
We ended up meeting at Flat Rock Park for some exercise. This was back when I was in shape enough and American enough that I’d do that sort of thing on a date.
Funnily enough, Hudson, the very handsome Chinese American Doctor, had known Hot Jewish Doctor because they were both US Army doctors and Hudson had worked with him during his residency but thought he was a bit of a dickhead and told some story about how his being late on call led to a patient’s death. I remembered all those times we’d been in bed and his pager went off and he took his time before scrambling out the door. And this is why I always chose the wrong people! I chased the arsey, aloof men who’d break my heart, which my therapist later explained. Sigh!
Hudson was also a DO instead of an MD (if I recall correctly), which is a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine, the kind of doctor who treats the whole patient more holistically (whole-person care) and it requires extra education (about 200 hours according to the internet) where they learn about bones, nerves, and muscles and how they work together to influence a person’s health. It’s more about preventative medicine than simply treating illnesses.
Hudson and I had an amazing time on our walk. He was intelligent, sweet, and thoughtful. I found out that he’d grown up in New York with his immigrant parents and had a sister. He adored his family and they were close-knit.
Like my friend Anna who was tall, he was also tall, and a former gymnast. He had the muscles to match and an amazing smile.
He lived in a penthouse apartment that was beautifully and tastefully furnished with a large balcony. He invited me over one evening and we watched his favourite film The Red Violin, which I proceeded to sleep through (by accident) as he held me on his sectional sofa. One of those modular things where you can move the bits around. I’d been constantly burning the candle at all ends with exercise, teaching uni students, working at the law office as a legal assistant, and grading mountains of papers, so I suppose his presence was so calming it allowed me to let go and drift into sleep.
I’m not sure if it was that night or another where I slept over, wearing a leotard that I’d bought from my childhood English friend Kate’s boutique on one visit, and he asked if I also did gymnastics or dance (Pah! As if I have the body for that, I thought). I said no, it was just comfortable.
For once with a man, we legitimately spent the night cuddling. He made me feel safe and at peace. No Lainey-special handjobs or rushed-into sex for once – and not because I didn’t find him attractive. He really was. In all ways, especially his nature and kindness.
I woke up the next morning and was invited to sit at his kitchen island barstool and he made me the most delicious breakfast anyone has ever made me ‘the morning after.’ Like gourmet-level food. I always judged people on if they took me to breakfast the next day but this was incredible. A cooked breakfast! It was some kind of fancy breakfast burrito with avocado and everything. Healthy and tasty food.
When I left that morning, because I hadn’t given myself emotional closure or space from the previous relationship, when he kissed me a hot tear came to my eye, and I did my favourite disappearing act.
When Charles was visiting me in Columbus a week or so later – maybe for a hookup and also to be a supportive friend – we ran into Hudson at Starbucks. (At this point Why We Met should be renamed The Starbucks Chronicles and then I can ask SB to sponsor me – LOLs! I should own stock for all the tea and chai I’ve bought over the years when grading.) Charles possessively held my hand, which is something he had never done before, and I felt things were super awkward even though we all had a pleasant enough chat. Maybe Charles could sense my flirtation with Hudson.
Hudson dodged a bullet with me, obviously, like so many people because I needed time to heal and even though he may have been what I needed, I certainly wouldn’t have been what he needed. Yet, despite the (too) many people I’ve dated, Hudson left an impression on me and I always remembered him fondly.
Later that same month, just before Halloween, I met my first husband and we moved to Germany. More on him later.
In December 2015, my first husband and I, along with our friends (some of my fabulous ‘Germany ladies’ lot and their respective husbands), were all at the Christmas markets in Regensburg and I saw Hudson again. Unbeknownst to me, he was stationed in Germany too but whilst my first husband and I were over in Vilseck-Grafenwoehr, Hudson was in Regensburg, an hour from where I lived.
He recognised me first and called out my name as we were walking by each other. We hugged and parted. My first husband didn’t ask questions and I offered no answers.
We are still Facebook friends and I get to see all the lovely adventurous, outdoorsy things he gets up to, including travel to many exotic places. He looks happy and truly lives life to the fullest as the cliche goes. He’s married now to a beautiful woman who I know nothing about (she’s inherently un-stalkable) but they attend balls together and have inside jokes. I hope he finally found his person.
I’ve still never finished The Red Violin, maybe one day.
Coming up next, that time I dated an Auburn Art Professor, another lovely man, who I ghosted – and I felt awful about it.
Don’t forget to check out the other sixty-four posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place – and the odd “present day snippet” of what I’m up to lately.
Have you ever met someone who you regretted never pursuing? Let me know in the comments. Please like and share my post so it may reach a wider audience. And, as always, I’d love it if you would subscribe for FREE.
P.S. I’m making my way through the Marian Keyes ‘Walsh family’ series. Loving it. I just bought The Coffin Path by
(to read next month) and I finished This Is Fine by last week (loved it). I’m also looking forward to reading The Love of My Afterlife next by Kristy Greenwood who is an author from Oldham (where I was born in Lancashire). I randomly stumbled across a book of hers once and enjoyed it and I’m glad to see her getting wider recognition now, being published by Penguin. Let me know if you’ve read any of these.