#43 THE REALLY, REALLY HOT ONE, AKA THE SECOND PERSON I MET AT STARBUCKS
#43 THE REALLY, REALLY HOT ONE, AKA THE SECOND PERSON I MET AT STARBUCKS
The dream man that never was: out of reach and on the wrong timeline
Past me had a theme of being desperate, completely damaged by every bad relationship and encounter, totally un-healed, and for chasing an idea.
The five people I fell in semi-short-lived infatuation with in the fantasy-land that is my imagination all looked like Hollywood leading men: Theo (I kept a lid on my obsession because Theo was always just so nice and lovely); the sexy Jewish doctor (post to come); Captain Cotillion (also to come); the Scandi Lit Prof (Dr Henry, written about in my last three posts); and the super hot (and I mean super hot – like his body was breathtaking) second person I met at Starbucks.
Clearly, my Disney-educated fairytale brain had a type in mind. That didn’t mean I wasn’t open to all kinds of looks – I really was – and no one can find a theme in the looks and variety of the men I dated. But my “ideal” was to have some handsome dreamboat of a man sweep me off my feet, preferably if they were on the Orlando Bloom to Tom Welling spectrum. I mean isn’t that any girl’s dream? Maybe just mine then.
The second person I met at Starbucks looked more Chris or Liam Hemsworth than Tom Welling but he was absolutely gorgeous (I mean Chris and Liam are gorgeous, too, but my ideal “type” usually had dark hair). He was tall with a chiselled jawline, green eyes, and sandy blonde hair – oh and he had the whole Henry Cavil in Witcher sort of body.
The only problem was that I’d already met the first person I met in Starbucks the previous month, Captain Thor, (not to be confused with the third person I met in Starbucks who was my first husband). I am not sure if Starbucks held magical powers or it was a curse.
Captain Thor and I had met and had gone on a few dates and I wanted to see where things would go. Spoiler: they didn’t go anywhere great and I should have cut and run but hindsight and all that. So, I knew I could only be friends with Starbucks Man #2. We’ll call him Noah like the character in The Notebook if he looked more like Thor (I mean I’m not knocking Ryan Gosling – I am beach and all that).
Before you feel too badly (or judge me too much) that I had a semi-flirtation with someone when I was starting to date someone else, Captain Thor and I dated for almost a year. At the time, he was in Alaska for the winter holidays and I was going to go to England for them (he did Skype every day somehow even with the crazy time difference). But by July 2012, only eight months in, I found out he was never over his ex. He was getting stationed in Texas. He never told me he loved me, and he made it clear we had no future (so I guess the only kind thing I can say was he didn’t give me false hope) – and I was stupid enough to stick around (but I’ll speculate more on that when I write about him). Of course, it wasn’t all bad. What ever is?
But I found an email to Chester that I’d sent in January 2012 where my relationship with Captain Thor was already showing cracks. Even though we had sex daily (apparently), I couldn’t get him off and it sent me into a misery spiral and I made the mistake of asking what he wanted in bed, what I could do better, and surely there was someone who he’d enjoyed sex with – and he talked about how everything was all about his ex and he’d never expected to be dating someone new and I made him happy because he “didn’t have to worry about me” (whatever that meant). I was sad that he wouldn’t make us FB official and that clearly we lacked emotional or physical connection – and in a message to Noah once I said Captain Thor had the emotional depth of a crustacean. Ten long months of mental torture (but I’ll also talk about the good bits someday soon). He wasn’t a bad person. He was going through a lot and I was the casualty. What’s worse is I did it to myself. And that was the headspace I was in when I met my first husband who swept me off my feet and showed me a glimmer of how being wanted and loved (or loved at first) could heal (until I was discarded again).
So with that going on in the background, the idea of this fantasy person was appealing even if nothing ever happened.
My therapist, Lorraine, says that being chosen by someone attractive appeals to people’s sense of self-worth, like being “chosen” by someone somehow boosts your status, or at least that’s how some people view it. So, subconsciously, being sought out by these handsome men seemed to validate to me that I was “worth it” especially when I had contradictory forces telling me I wasn’t – often in my head with my own lack of self-worth or feeling like being discarded by a boyfriend was a reflection of me and not both me and them!
When I met Noah
Noah and I met at Starbucks. I was wearing this dusky rose-pink dress I had at the time. It was made with tulle and was short and I’d throw a black cardigan on top. I remember swooshing past this gorgeous man and smiling at him. He struck up a conversation with me and the only indication I have of what we talked about is from the primary sources (i.e. emails) left behind. The text evidence is long buried because, for whatever reason, I never typed out his messages. (I say whatever reason because obviously based on previous posts I was sometimes mad as a box of frogs enough to do that – like in this post on RHSG.)
8 December 2011, Email
Hey Elaine,
Nice talking to you as well at Starbucks. I must say you are interesting...and very attractive. So what kind of name is Frieman? It sounds German to me.
Well back to work for me! I'm actually doing some security work for a bank here in town. It's called penetration testing, and it can only be done in the evenings.
Hope you are having fun grading papers!
N
P.S. Thanks for the gym pass!
I guess I gave him a free gym pass to the gym. I used to go to the gym about six days per week on top of working out with my personal trainer, Tiffany, twice per week. I’m sure I could barely afford training but it really did make me feel good and this was way before mental health initiatives, so I’ll chalk it down to it was the only thing sort of keeping my sanity back then.
Noah,
You can add me on Facebook if you wish. My surname is German in origin, but I'm actually a British citizen.
So you do something with safes/security? I'm sure that's all very complicated!
I'm not sure that you can tell if I'm interesting or not based on a four minute conversation, but thank you. You are also attractive, naturally.
Grading papers is never fun. I'm back at home as Starbucks' internet connection was iffy and, since I grade electronically, I didn't want to have to wait for the internet to mess up and lose my work.
Hope you are enjoying Columbus.
Take care,
Elaine
Elaine,
So you're British, with dual citizenship? I've been to London three times, and love it. I could live there. Do you like to travel? I'm actually German and Swedish.
Yes, I do security with regards to helping secure computer and communication systems. I'm helping the bank test their security, so they can improve it. Kind of like helping defend their online banking against hackers, etc! I enjoy it.
Thank you. When you walked by me, I thought you were a dancer with the graceful way you moved. It's very sexy...
When I was young, my mother affectionately called my ballet skills “fairy elephant” so no one ever accused me of being graceful, so that and my perception of myself as big and lumbering (more like an O’Connor “Good Country People” kind of character than a graceful, flitting Daisy Buchanan type).
I'm enjoying it as much as I can, with all of the workload. It would be nice to get out and really enjoy it. I fly home Saturday afternoon.
Noah
From what I recall, he was some high-up director then but now I think he has his own company and it seems to have done really well. Back then, he also wrote papers, and presented at conferences, and you can find him in YouTube videos (even still).
He double majored in Spanish and Psychology at the University of Michigan (the place that was doing that psychology study on soldiers that I briefly helped facilitate) and then got his Master’s in computer science where he’d specialised in this Voice over IP something or other which I still have no clue what it is.
I said:
No, I'm a British citizen and I have a green card to live in the States, but my mother is American. I'm from the North of England. But I do love London too. I'm going to England for over a month in about 9 days. I love traveling. I wish I could do it more. The semester system of teaching isn't always convenient for travel. Well, it is, but I keep switching jobs, so I find time to go back and visit family when I can. I'd love to do more traveling outside of just England. I can never see enough places.
The semester system is the most convenient way to travel and have lots of time off, but when I was an adjunct instructor time wasn’t the issue: funding was.
I'm not sure anyone's ever accused me of being graceful. Ha! I'm usually such a disaster. And I felt I looked like a disaster today. But thank you again.
After I finish grading later, I'm going to see my friend and then tomorrow morning, I'm going to drive 3.5 hours to visit my mum.
What're you up to tonight?
Elaine
I was very flattered by his attention and compliments.
Noah replied:
Hey, sorry for the delay. That's really cool. I love to travel, especially internationally. I've seen a few places in Europe but I want to really see it all. I have a list.
I'm working onsite for the client tonight. Are you having fun tonight?
That's cool that you get to see your mum.
I hope he did get to tick the countries off his list.
Quickfire emails:
Elaine: I've just got back from the gym. I went to dinner with my roommate. I'm about to be up all night grading. So, in essence, I'm having a fantastic night…
Noah: Oh that sounds like so much fun...I'm onsite with the bank working all night...jealous? I suppose we are both having fantastic times. :)
Elaine: I suppose so. There's always breakfast?
I’m not sure if that was an invitation for us to go to breakfast together…
Noah: Indeed, there is.
Then Noah sent another email to say:
Have fun over at your mum's place!
Elaine: I'm still grading for now. I'll set off later.
Noah: Ah, got ya. I'm over here at Starbucks, ha ha...Well have fun grading, and then over at Mum's!!
He emailed again:
P.S. I looked at a few of your Facebook pics. Very funny. Looks like you know how to have some fun. :-)
Elaine: Yes, I'm mostly known for being goofy and not graceful. Hehe! I considered Starbucks, but I'm getting a little done here, so I think I'll stick it out here for a bit. Might head there later since I'm just around the corner.
I checked out your limited selection of FB photos and looks like you like to run in mud!
P.S. Nice muscles.
He had a few pictures of him very sexily running in those Tough Mudder-type competitions.
Goofy...I see it now. You had me fooled on 'graceful.’ I've since departed Starbucks and back at my hotel.
I thought I had a lot of FB pics up there, ha.
Thanks. I'm glad you like the muscles.
Don’t worry, Noah, I’m about to email you in “stalker mode.” Oh lawd as some say in the South!
I see 17 tagged photos and a few albums. Perhaps I just don't have access to your other photos. I mostly just see you jogging in mud.
Are you working later or is it relaxing in the hotel until you return to Texas?
It’s a shame I was busy because why didn’t I go and visit him at Starbucks or at his hotel? I mean I guess I made the “sensible” decision to grade and not drive my mother crazy with being super late to her house which was just under a four-hour drive away.
Next up, to be continued…because Michael says my posts are too long and thus will bore people and I need to break things up…
Don’t forget to check out the other forty-two posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place – and the odd “present day snippet” of what I’m up to lately.
Did you ever meet your “fantasy” person at the wrong place and time?