#55 CAPTAIN THOR MEMORIES: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

Anatomy of a relationship from beginning to end

As I said in my previous post, I met Captain Thor at Starbucks. He came back a day or two later to check if I was there and he took me out to dinner and then we may have gone on another date and slept together. Read about it here.

November 2011

That encounter somehow morphed into spending more and more time together – and semi-moving into his apartment where he cleared some closet and drawer space for me and I cut off my fling with the hot Jewish doctor I’d been sleeping with regularly (more on this later). 

I remember one of our early dates to Flat Rock Park. It was early November in 2011 with crisp air – my favourite season in Georgia – and he was wearing this sort of Scandi-inspired jumper that he wore a lot. We walked around the park and chatted, where he held his hands in a semi-formal grasp behind his back like a statesman. I’m not longer sure what about – but probably all of the usual ‘about me’ type things, including eventually the story of his fiance. 

Captain Thor on that date. No picture of me from that same day, though. These were all taken at Flat Rock Park in Columbus, Georgia that November (except the first-date selfie – that's just a reminder from the previous post) and the one where I'm dressed in gym clothes is from a walk with Brittany around that same park. I never did look good in 'casual' looks but I kept trying as if I'd be one of those girls that really rocks 'casual' when I never have been...

It was a crazy story in that this beautiful, blonde woman who did some kind of government contract work (and earned an impressive salary) regularly visited him when he lived in Germany where they’d have a ‘perfect’ week or two together and she’d fly home to D.C. or wherever she lived. They got engaged. She told him eventually she was pregnant. Then, she said she’d lost the baby and disappeared. He tried to get in touch with her family and her father angrily asked who he was – as his daughter was already married with a family. Of course, the whole deception was devastating to him. I can only appreciate now how awful it must have been to have built the sandcastles in the sky of the dream life you thought you’d have and then the clouds were blasted apart. I know what it’s like to have the life you envisioned snatched away and from my vantage now, I have nothing but sympathy. Then, I was young and naive and thought everything was about me, even when it wasn’t. 

It’s not like she was the only person he’d dated when in Germany, though. I had to compete against many ghosts: the perfect ex-fiance, the girls he’d dated in Germany where it didn’t quite work out. I don’t know how he met his ex or these other women but I do know every now and then I’d find some care package or love letter they’d send him, tucked away in the pantry or behind the Army-issued trunks in the walk-in closet. I tried to confront him about these relics but I never got a satisfactory answer – just the vague sense that all women get when they are jealous, upset, and unsure: that they are deemed as crazy and irrational. Further proof that he wasn’t all that into me. Further proof of what was I even doing? But like all red flags, if you have a vague sense of happiness at times, you push down all the bad feelings and keep soldiering on (pun intended?).

What made matters even worse is though I was ‘permitted’ to tag him on photos on Facebook and he kept the tags on (sometimes), we were never ‘allowed’ to be ‘Facebook official’ because apparently that ‘special accolade’ was reserved for the actual woman he would marry. Because, to him, it had been deeply embarrassing to be ‘Facebook official’ with the perfect-in-his-head fiance and then have that engagement disappear.

I had my ‘married’ status disappear overnight and I was just shocked at that happening. And when I see an engagement, relationship, or marriage disappear from Facebook officialdom, I – like any nosy human – am simply curious and/or concerned that that person is okay. But when it’s happening to you, you can’t have that sort of perspective I suppose. All this boiled down to how I felt hurt by his refusal to acknowledge me ‘officially’ as if ‘unofficially’ didn’t even matter. 

Also in November that year, we went on a night out to the bars in Downtown Columbus, Georgia. He brought his friend, Captain Texas, and I brought my beautiful Chinese friend, Anna. Captain Texas and Anna hit it off and eventually started dating. 

Our double-date era. Somehow on the bowling date, Anna miraculously matched both Captains.

December 2011

In December, I have some photos of us four bowling (see above). We became one of those sets of double-date couples after that. 

Anna, unlike me, had an amazing high-paying job and she was an established badass career woman. She’d graduated from a Canadian Ivy League uni and she worked in logistics or something or financial analysis (or both). I can’t fully understand what she did but I remember asking her to explain it to me and it was something along the lines of accounting plus figuring out how full each truck should be when delivering furniture (I think – high-end baby furniture) versus miles travelled, fuel costs, cost of each load, blah blah. She was clever like that and she longed (as she was already in her late twenties then) to find a husband and have a baby. Despite all her success and financial independence, she wanted this more than anything to feel ‘complete.’

And the man had to have a certain level of success and intelligence and good looks. She thought Captain Texas would be that man, sadly. But he was the sort of blonde, blue-eyed, very ‘Texas’ man who was a little inadvertently racist and no shit asked what their children would look like if they had them and she visited his family in Texas once and whilst they were polite and welcoming, they expressed concerns about him marrying her. After Captain Thor and I ended our relationship just under a year later, Captain Texas ended things with Anna in a way that was rather cruel and I’ve never liked him or the memory of him since. 

But the good news is she married a very handsome Asian-American captain of her own who has since been to an Ivy himself and they have a beautiful daughter and a successful business together and their own very fancy careers and own properties and live in a practical mansion so it all worked out in the end, as they say. 

I saw an Instagram post the other day about how all of these things that don’t work out in life are stepping stones to the path that is meant for you.

Also in December, we went out for drinks with Anna, Captain Texas, Captain Thor, and another friend of theirs I’ll call Captain Ivy. That will be his nickname as he went to a very expensive famous university in New York where he grew up. He had a debonair air and hung out with us often as he and his beautiful, petite Captain fiance (we’ll call her Gabriella) were stationed apart. He was good company. He seemed often sad to be stationed away from Gabriella and I'm not sure when they were due to live near each other again. I didn't really know their story, how they met, fell in love, or got engaged. He gave off Saltburn vibes like he lived the kind of Upper East Side life and I'm not sure what made him join the army as an officer but I think he went to West Point. I'm not sure if he was a good or bad fiance but all I know was he wasn't the type of military guy to play the field as some do when their wives, fiances, or girlfriends are away. He didn't go out on the town.

After I met Gabriella in New York for that wedding Captain Thor and I attended for their friend, I found her blog (like a creeper and read it) and she was such an interesting person and writer and I enjoyed her company that weekend. If I recall correctly, she studied languages in Seattle for her degree. I think she’s still in the military. Gabriella and Captain Ivy never did get married though – again, I’m not sure of the story. However, she seems happily married to someone else, so I suppose it all worked out for her and I am not sure what became of him. Captain Ivy and I were Facebook friends once upon a time but no longer. 

I found an email from Captain Ivy of something presumably I was meant to print with the subject line “Eat my brownies or we're enemies for life!” I think he also baked. But I was practically always doing keto back then. I don’t know if I ate the brownies.

Our double date plus Captain Ivy in December 2011.

Captain Thor had a soothing voice. He was generally a calm person, which I liked. As I’ve mentioned, he didn’t own a television. We spent nights having people over for game nights and food. Of course, I was the one who was meant to cook the food and I’ve always liked hosting so I had fun playing house in this domestic situation. 

But I think overall the great efforts I went to went unappreciated. I’d often think how can he still not like me. He has a flesh-and-blood in-person girlfriend and he still harbours the idea of a fantasy woman. Everyone can seem perfect for two weeks. Even I could pull that off. But here I was being real and true and absolutely myself (maybe that was the problem – heh) and still he couldn't feel more for me than mild care.

The seriously awful never-before-seen selfie of the date-night outfit above with a view of our downstairs townhouse loo (our being Brittany and mine) as well as our plunger (are those even a thing in the UK?) and my cat, Jack-Jack (who Brittany still very kindly cares for).

I spent Thanksgiving with my friends Annie and Anna. Annie had kindly invited us over to the celebration hosted by her sister, Julie.

Mid-December when he was in Alaska and I was in England, I emailed, “I miss you already, handsome.” He made the effort to Skype me and I’m not sure how he managed it with what would have been a 23-hour time difference. I guess that was a level of effort at least for a few weeks! 

I made the entire England play-by-play email available here as bonus material, which details my trip to see my family and friends in England that winter.

An assortment of pictures from my trip back to England (I forgot to dig out the photos for my bonus post) including selfies with terrible lighting (gah! don't you just love modern filters?). In my bonus post, I talk about going to Spindles in Oldham (top left, my lovely hometown – and I also consider Alapaha, Georgia my secondary hometown). My older sister, Jae, was pregnant with my niece here. There I am in a photo (bottom left) with my beautiful childhood friend, Ruby, who is now a fancy lawyer and mother to two boys (we were shopping at Primark, which is not known for its 'quality' garments). Bottom right is a picture with another childhood friend, Joanne, and her friend. This is also why I've had lifelong body hangups (more later on photo with Captain Ivy's girlfriend Captain Gabriella). I am full on hulk-sized and 'normal' women are half my size but only being just shy of 5'7", I don't have the added height to justify my very large frame and proportions.

I also found this message: “Ugh! I didn't want the serious-ish talks to start so soon. I just wanted to go with it and be happy for now and not worry about what will happen when you go away. I figured we'd say goodbye and deal with it then. I can't do long-distance. And, honestly, I can't do the whole you-might-leave at any point thing either. I like you. I enjoy your company. You make me happy. Let's leave it at that. It doesn't have to be more complicated at all.”

Look at me trying to think I could do a whole ‘casual’ ‘see where it goes’ vibe. I was never that casual. No idea what ‘serious’ talks were happening but I was probably being needy.

Omg f*cking hell! Check out this body language from another December double-date. I’m all over him and he’s vaguely leaning in but crossing his arms in a protective gesture. See the gold Thor’s hammer? Oh and I loved a good ‘granny’ fashion statement as I thought my arms were massive so I always wore cardigans even when it was too hot for them. (Chester always said I’d have been better to ditch them but he was always sweetly complimentary and supportive.)

The highlights reel of 2012

We met in November 2011. We’d been apart for a chunk of December. I recall those early days being fun and light (besides whatever message that was above). But again, we were both not in the best place for dating at all, never mind each other.

January 2012

As I’d learn when I became an officer’s wife later (spoiler: not to Captain Thor, obviously), the military life is a close-knit one. Of course, single soldiers tend to socialise with each other and if they socialise with married couples, you’re only really welcome if you’re a fiance or a spouse and not a girlfriend, but Captain Thor had lots of lovely, fun, intelligent friends. I’ve always been a people person and love to know people’s stories. But I do recall a time or two when the wives weren’t as warm to me.

Our day-to-day life consisted of the usual domestic pursuits, snuggling in bed and chatting, going to the gym, walking, spending time with his friends, hosting dinner parties, going out to eat, having fun weekends away, and going to our respective jobs. 

I taught at the technical college until December when my contract ‘wasn’t renewed’ and then worked on the psychological study run by the University of Michigan at Ft Benning until I finished my Master’s degree in July after which I got better teaching jobs at Georgia Military College (with my amazing boss Erica – who now has her PhD and has transitioned away from academia into UX design) and at Columbus State University and worked as a legal assistant for a local property lawyer who occasionally did wills and probate. 

Even though I did enjoy teaching at GMC, which surprisingly paid better than the university, my contract eventually wasn’t renewed (so either I didn’t do that well or the classes I was assigned didn’t have enough students signing up) and then I worked at the on-campus tutoring centre – but by this point I’d met the person who I’d marry first-go round. Of course, I had to re-visit my own CV to remember I even had all these jobs. I have no idea how I made ends meet, to be fair. Adjunct teaching jobs pay surprisingly little. 

Back to time with Captain Thor, we had a fun night out and dinner in downtown Columbus at the Cannon Brew Pub with the usual cast of Anna, Captain Texas, and Captain Ivy. I wore a mustard dress that I loved.

I shared these images in a previous post. My Mum has always been very domestic goddessy so I never learned how to do anything but cook. She wasn't really one for makeup either. Despite all the beautiful, immaculately done up Southern ladies I grew up around, I was always more of a person to air dry my hair (never learned how to style it) and I rarely wore foundation even if I wore all the other bits of makeup (I have always been a blusher addict even if I put it on wrong and I look clown-like). Plus, I've never learned to iron (as evinced by most of my clothes).

Later that month, my Mum, stepdad, and baby sis came to visit. Captain Thor was a gracious host and I think they liked him well enough.

Again, I shared the top middle pic in another post (and I could only focus on how awful my 'love handles' looked). I mean I did grow up with the Paris Hilton and the like being the only acceptable body type and an era of Victoria's Secret runway models that I'd never emulate no matter how thin I got. But I've always been a voracious eater so it would have made me very miserable to abstain from any of life's pleasures, especially food. Pics also of my Mama and baby sis (Hannah) who is now 21!

I’m not sure when it happened exactly but when we were first dating and I slept over, he’d make me get out of bed at stupid o’clock in the morning – probably around 5 am when he left for PT – and leave his apartment to drive back to my own apartment, half asleep as I was not a morning person then – as he didn’t yet trust me to be alone in his apartment by myself. I found it incredibly odd because I’d never had anyone kick me out in the morning before, but I guess in hindsight, I could have been a psycho and he didn’t know what I’d do in his apartment, but equally, I could have also done any of whatever he imagined snooping randomly at 1 am after he’d gone to sleep. Not that he had many things to snoop through and violating privacy had never been my bag. (The packages I found from other women were found when I was doing everyday things like going in the pantry, opening up the coffee table to retrieve something, and finding a top that had fallen behind the packing trunks in the closet – so definitely not purposefully snooping.) Eventually, he did give me a key to his place, though.

My cat Jack Jack. Captain Thor in my bed (I had a nasty habit of taking photos of my ‘conquests’ sleeping – I guess it’s better than stealing undies or trinkets?). Stacks of research on the nightstand (i.e. a TV table - #gradschoollife amirite?). Mirror hung with random bobbles and headbands and some boomerang thingy that Hannah made for me. Not sure why he was sleeping at my place. My Mama got me that bed and mattress and HSS bought me that duvet from Ralph Lauren and it’s the softest feather duvet ever. My first husband ended up with the bed (and all our furniture and most of our stuff) and I got the duvet, packed away into the eaves of the attic. Weirdly, a duvet that has seen all sexual encounters but the last (probably rather fitting).

Check out the email I wrote to Chester at the end of January here about my concerns that I wasn’t able to please in the bedroom.

February 2012

In February, he met my friends and family in Valdosta (where I went to uni). We went to stay with my Mama in north Florida. 

I think this trip when he met my friends and family was something to do with my Master's thesis and I needed to visit my uni probably to see Dr Elliott. Captain Thor rented a hotel for us in town and we went on a night out and I saw a bunch of my friends from back then.

As mentioned in post #53, we went for a walk to Coopers Creek Park in Columbus, Georgia where I revealed I had student loans and things began to sour.

The fated Coopers Creek Park day. I wore a dress from my friend Kate's boutique in England. Then, clearly, it was too cold to be out without a cot and I'm wearing CT's coat.

Also that month, the four of us went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. We saw Mariska Hargitay, Hilary Swank, Harry Connick Jr, and Cindy Lauper on the balcony above where we stood and Will Ferrel, of SNL fame, presided over the Bacchus parade as King Bacchus, the Roman god of wine.

Some random YouTube person has recorded this event.

I just Googled it and found an article about the celebs who were there that day – unfortunately, we didn’t spot JLo.

I got pelted in the face with beads with no tit flashing involved. It was too cold for that anyway. When you live in the south, 50-60°F feels very cold and you can see that my faux leather jacket was probably not up to the task of keeping me remotely warm.

Various photos of the trip and I didn't know anything about my face angles then (I still don't know about body angles now) and looked very un-stylish.

I’m sure Captain Thor kindly paid for it all and Captain Texas drove us all there in his massive truck that you practically needed a ladder to get inside. Here’s an image that Anna must have taken of us falling asleep on the journey. Falling asleep on car rides was my party trick.

Sleeping in Captain Texas's massive truck (i.e. practically a moving house) and at some random shopping outlet with everyone (Banana Republic?) where my income bracket at the time was well below everyone else's. "Sharkey" belonged to Anna (maybe a gift from Captain Texas?).

I met Captain Thor’s family in Biloxi, Mississippi. We drove from New Orleans and passed through Biloxi on the way back, stopping to see Captain Thor’s family. His mother, stepfather, and baby sister were delightful. Having a baby sister, Hannah, myself, I instantly bonded with his beautiful, intelligent little sister. He also had a younger brother but I think I only met him very briefly and perhaps on a different trip.

March 2012

Captain Thor graduated from the Maneuver Captains Career Course and his family came to visit to see him graduate.

In March, we visited Callaway Gardens twice (early March and mid-March, for some reason) for a long weekend. Callaway Resort and Gardens, apparently, is a 2,500-acre resort near Pine Mountain, Georgia. It has the world’s largest azalea garden. It also has all sorts of activities like zip lining (‘a treetop adventure’ as they call it), horse riding, golf, nature trails, fishing, boating, a spa, a butterfly garden, fancy hotels, and restaurants. It would not have been a place that was in-budget for me at the time and it was a magical experience. (Have a gander at their website here.)

The first trip we did mini golf, walking around the gardens, horse riding, and eating. The second time, we had sunset dinner at a German restaurant where he spoke in German with the waitress and we went ziplining, which I promptly left after attempting a few obstacles because I have always been terribly, deathly afraid of heights. I remember walking across this suspended bridge where the planks moved and shook and I moved at a snail’s pace on wobbly legs. (I also abandoned ziplining in Mexico when Michael and I went on our honeymoon. I had to descend a million steps to the ground and wait for some nice men to drive me in a golf cart to the final place I’d find Michael again after the million tree-top ziplines.)

Body image issues cropping up again in the yellow outfit where I thought I looked massive. I always loved horses so it was a treat to go horse riding (which I predictably did with both of my husbands as well - except in Poland and Spain instead of Georgia). Also, despite the fact that I loved eye makeup because he liked his past women 'natural' (the theme being he just liked them full stop), I seemed to make an effort to wear less eye makeup and it truly did make me look awful.

April 2012

In April, Captain Thor went to Ranger School and he wrote lovely letters to me – and to his family, I believe. The course is 62 days and he only made it about a month but it’s supposed to be one of the most difficult ‘tactics and leadership’ courses out there and Army men wear Ranger badges with pride. I think they do lots of physical exercise on starvation and sleep deprivation and spend lots of time out in the woods. 

May 2012

In May, I defended my Master’s thesis and passed with revisions. I’m sure Dr Elliott was relieved that I got to that point (as was I). There are three outcomes when you defend: pass, pass with revisions (what most people get), fail. I revised the thesis and passed (thank fuck for that – it was a long time coming) and then I had to await formal graduation and being mailed the degree certificate for my life to begin! A final end to the in-between lost period – or so I thought. 

We all went on a night out downtown and the guys wore their lederhosen. Having lived in Germany myself, I know what a disappointment returning Stateside could feel like so I imagine life felt less shiny for them and Anna and I were the fallout. I didn't get my own dirndl until I lived in Germany a couple of years after this. I have a million and one photos from this time but this was the only definitive picture from May (It's gonna be May).

June 2012

In June, he took me to Savannah for my birthday, which was a lovely thing to do. We met up with my friend Darcy who got drunk and ended up staying in our hotel room. It was lovely to see her again after time apart after our grad school days. I think she spotted some red flags with Captain Thor and wasn’t all that fond of how he treated me. But, as you do, I explained it all away. I was fine!

He took me for afternoon tea at a Rennie Mackintosh-inspired tea room I wanted to go to because of the connection with my Dad (he loved his art, furniture, and work) and to all the grand house tours I wanted to go to, like the Davenport House which I plucked out of my memory from twelve years ago, which if I recall correctly was visited by Charles Dickens or William Makepeace Thackery. Again, all of the things he took me to do and see were actually really generous. We even went for sushi, which I always loved. 

Various Savannah pics but I'm sure it made an amazing impression on Darcy that Captain Thor looked like he wanted to strangle me in that one photo...

For my 25th birthday, we went out to a hibachi restaurant with some of my friends. This was the day of the infamous ice cream cake scavenger hunt (from post #53) where my therapist thought I was a total ungrateful arse. I see from the picture, actually, (only re-visited today) that he bought me all of my favourite sweets and chocolate, a balloon, and carnations (I always said I loved those surprisingly because they are flowers that are pretty and last ages), so his gift was actually very thoughtful and I truly was a dickhead for hating it. Plus, how cute he went to the effort of writing clues for me. No one has done that for me before or since.

Truly awful pic of me on the left and on the right it looks like I'm turning 100 with how 'on fire' that cake appears.

I also went to Providence Canyon with Annie and Anna (a place I also went to with Brittany another time) in June. It's a 1,003-acre Georgia state park. I always felt I never looked very good in a t-shirt and sweatpants look but it was a sweaty summer's day.

July 2012

In early July, we visited his family again in Mississippi. This time we stayed at a casino hotel for a night or two where I gambled $20 of his money and lost it all. But there were free drinks involved. And then we stayed a night or so at his mother’s house and we stayed up chatting a bit. She could see I liked her son and she knew he did not feel the same about me. We had some sort of conversation that alluded as much.

I always had this perception that I’d take ‘cute’ couple photos but ended up looking like the Hulk in them. I think seeing all these celeb images as an elder millennial and how women ‘should’ look and how small they should be in relation to partners, etc made me realise that I very much did not fit that perception (to my dismay).

Mid-July, I graduated with my Master’s degree in British Victorian Literature and to this day regret putting his name in the acknowledgements. He met and hung out with some of my friends again. We went out to a fancy restaurant for dinner and my Mum treated us. He bought me the painting which I didn’t like at the time (also alluded to in post #53). 

The dreaded present…

Again, it’s the whole thing of ‘expectation versus reality’ and I had this idea of how big, sweeping gestures should look and I didn’t see the kindnesses for what they were such as the fact that he’d gone to time and expense to frame the painting for me professionally.

Chester also came to see my graduate (happy face). He's in the red shirt. My undergrad outfit was much cooler because I got the Sigma Tau Delta stole, my Phi Kappa Phi medal, and my magna cum laude medal. A master's graduation just comes with the weird sleeve long bits and a backwards stole where the back indicates what your degree was about. The literature ones were boring white around the neck and I don't recall what colours were in the swooping back part. I just threw away all my graduation robes when sorting out my Dad's house with my sister.

August 2012

Captain Thor was moving away at some point in August so I’d known really that it was the end of the road for us. But I think I secretly harboured ideas that things would be different. I knew deep down that the relationship wasn’t good for me or my self-perception in it was one where I was being compared to impossibly high criteria that I could never meet. I didn’t pass in any area that Captain Thor wanted from thinness to career to domesticity. 

I know ‘Trad Wife’ is now a trend but I’ve never been designed for that sort of life. More power to you if you are…women making their own choices and all that.

That month, we had dinner on the base with his married friends at their home. It was the birthday party for his black friend who had married a blonde German woman and they had an absolutely adorable son together. Even in front of this friend, Captain Thor made racist jokes although he asserted that he truly loved his friend. I’m not sure how his friend was still friends with him but they’d all been friends for years. Also in attendance at that party besides Anna and Captain Texas was the guy whose wedding I’d accompany Captain Thor to that next month. The guy’s future wife was elsewhere.

Captain Thor treated us to dinner at this very upscale restaurant in Columbus, Georgia. I can’t recall the name of it now but it was where my first husband took me on our first date. Captain Thor wanted us all to go out to dinner with his mentor and his wife. His mentor was a sergeant from his early days in his military career (if I recall correctly) and maybe before he became an officer. 

Later that month, the movers came to pack up his apartment. I brought back the half closet full of clothes I’d brought there. I remember being annoyed that I both paid for and picked up the sandwiches for the movers. Captain Thor didn’t pay me back, which I still remember because I was broke, but then again, it was ungenerous of me because he obviously paid for so much during our relationship. 

He saved money by staying with me at my apartment before moving and then he moved to Texas and we still exchanged phone calls and texts as he settled in. I found an email where I’d been helping him search for apartments as if I was some unpaid PA (pathetic) with cost and location to the base researched (sigh).

I emailed Brittany at the end of August about mine and Captain Thor’s different lifestyle philosophies in that he was ‘career-oriented’ (because he had one) and I was ‘lifestyle-oriented’ (in that I wanted a job so I could afford life and not my life to be my job). But by this point, I was working three jobs so life was busy and I couldn’t envision a time when I’d have one, solid stable job. (I still do a full-time job and the odd bit of freelance so I guess I never gave up that ‘hustle’ factor but I definitely value rest and relaxation time – and all my annual leave.) 

It made me question if I should join the military or become a lawyer, both of which would never have been a good fit for me. I was writing all this to Brittany but I’ll spare you the details.

I told her I was overwhelmed with everything and that I didn’t ‘get’ Captain Thor because he said:

‘I make him happy; he doesn't want to leave, etc. Then why does he make it so complicated to be together? It's really not that hard. Happiness isn't that difficult. You know? When you find someone who makes you happy, why complicate it and make yourself miserable? I'm sure I'll be okay, but it's going to be tough. But I am glad I really don't have time to be sad and dwell. I'll be far too busy for that. I have to keep up with my jobs, grading, working, planning, living, etc. I just wish things were different, but I don't exactly know how/why/when/where/what. I want to get into publishing/fashion/women's-right/writing/television/whatever-I-decide. I just wish sometimes life was a "pick one" adventure and you could see where the road took you.’

He didn’t make me happy and I was delusional. We both had happy bits or happy-ish bits but we weren’t in a place to be happy and complete and healed. And, as I said in post #53, what I didn’t realise about was this concept of ‘status.’ To Captain Thor, I had none. I didn’t seem like a good financial prospect to hitch his wagon to. He envisioned a future in which I was entirely financially reliant on him (fair enough as I was yet to prove the inverse). I suppose more people ought to be more practical but, of course, at the time, it made me feel truly awful, like I was value-less.

Brittany replied: ‘This might sound crazy, but I think maybe we're focusing too much on finding our place in the universe. If you think on anything too much – even a good thing – it becomes an obsession, and we're not designed for obsessions. Perhaps we need to relax a tiny bit. Instead of thinking about how much we hate being where we are, we should look for the good things in what we have now. Focus on making good meals, going to the gym, feeling as healthy as possible, being decent at teaching, spending time in nature, and finding some creative outlets. I think if we get in the right frame of mind, we'll become positive and open. When you're positive and open, good things come to you: the positivity draws more positive energy, people, and experiences, and the openness allows you to embrace what comes.’

I swear Brittany was always ahead of her time. I mean this is the sort of approach to life I have now but it was certainly NOT the approach to life I had then. 

September 2012

In September, I flew to New York to meet Captain Thor (who had been living in Texas) to attend a wedding. I’m surprised that the couple getting married allowed randos at their wedding. I don’t think I was featured in any wedding pics so I imagine I did not spoil their memories. The groom was a West Point grad and grew up in New Jersey and she was German and they’d met when he was stationed there.

On our first night, we saw Captain Ivy and his lovely girlfriend, Gabriella. It was my first time in New York like a total newbie and she knew her way around.

The three Captains and me.

For some reason, Captain Thor had not brought his formal dress military uniform and I have no idea why. One of the popular things at military weddings is to create a ‘sabre tunnel’ for the bride and groom to pass through with all the military men lined up along the sides. I think Captain Thor was sulking that he was left out of that little bit. I do recall spending an inordinate amount of time at Macy’s helping him get a suit, which I helped him choose and helped him pick up when the trousers were tailored and all the finishing touches were done.

The library pic is in our first hotel. A random pic where we could have been on sort of street. This was the suit! I always felt self-conscious about showing my arms but I always loved this Zak Posen dress. Pointed toe shoes have always been my fave and I was way ahead of the trend with Barbie-pink Dollhouse heels (LOLs).

He took me to a ‘ninja’ sushi restaurant which had some fun theatrics and to meet his cousin who legit had a job watching baseball all day in some kind of live-in television studio where they all sat around to make commentary on the games and I presume made enough money to live in the heart of Manhattan (I mean they lived in the place I think as a perk and not that they paid rent on an apartment). We did a bit of sightseeing.

The female cousin and the fun sushi dining experience. I was never one to be too fashionable and my choices were sometimes questionable. I wanted to look chic like the girls in Gossip Girl (or Audrey Hepburn) but I didn't have the style or the budget (or the frame). Again, as was a major theme, I felt inadequate and huge next to his small cousin as if eveyrthing that was missing in me was to do with having a large frame (sigh!).

I wrote a bit about going out to dinner with my good-looking friend Edward whom I met when I was a freshman in uni/college (post #34) when Captain Thor went out for the stag do (or bachelor party for US readers). I also talked about how I’d emailed Noah at the time explaining my sadness (post #45) and a few details of the breakup.

Out with Edward where I had a truly magical night. And resisted making out with him.

Of course, everything we did for me was tinged with sadness and body dysmorphia where I felt massive and that I didn’t quite fit in, especially because I recall a scene at the wedding when a man from Germany who made dirndls was telling all the pretty, petite girls that they should come to Germany and he will make one for them and he pointedly avoided saying that to me. As you can see from photos, this was always why I was insecure about being massive because I’m figuratively double of that one other wedding guest date (left) and Captain Ivy’s pretty, petite girlfriend (middle).

I always lamented that I was about 50x larger than ‘normal-sized’ women. I’ve always loved food and had a bit of extra weight but I did actually work out five times per week and eat nutritious food and even thinner, my frame wouldn’t exactly shrink to be anything remotely as small as I’d want to be.

Another Captain friend I’d met brought a beautiful, highly intelligent Indian girl as a date. They sat opposite us at our table at the wedding and I enjoyed chatting with them (not sure it was mutual). They’d been long-time friends apparently but I got the sense of an unrequited love situation. She came from Georgia so I enjoyed chatting to her about that but she was living in New York and attending Columbia and then I see from her FB profile (because I’m sure half of these people have forgotten we are still FB friends or never use FB as Gen Z has declared FB to be ‘dead’) that she attended NYU law school and is now very successful as a director of civil litigation or something. 

Does my smile look forced? Was this before or after my boyfriend actively flirted with women in front of me? Who knows! The little vodka shots on the table helped…

I was a terrible dancer and always have been. I’m sure I embarrassed Captain Thor by being terrible amidst all the writhing, sexier, more coordinated dancers. I remember him actively flirting with women in front of me when holding my hand, no less. I stared out the window on the drive back to the city where Captain Ivy and his girlfriend could probably cut the tension in the backseat with a knife, as I stared out the window not uttering a single word to Captain Thor.

The next morning, I ended things, we had sex, we said goodbye. I told him not to contact me again. I didn't expect him actually not to contact me again. 

Years later, we spoke again. This time he told me he had been lucky to have my attention. I said he was unhappy with me and had never gotten over his ex. He said it all had nothing to do with me and he was just unhappy in general; I’d just been the fallout. He had said all his friends and family had liked me, especially his baby sister. 

I told him the last time we’d had sex I cried in the bathroom when he left. He said he’d been torn about leaving (he had a flight to catch). I said I’d cried on Brittany when I got home and hadn’t been able to eat but still went to the gym and dropped weight. 

He told me he watched me whilst we had sex through the ‘weird pirate mirrors’ in the hotel room ‘and you looked so beautiful, welcoming, and warm’ and ‘I felt like I wasn’t the right man for you – like you deserved better.’ I’m not sure if that was true or not but it was kind of him to say – I’m sure past me would’ve loved to hear that at the time.

I always hated staying in hotels where the actual bathroom and/or shower was visible from the bedroom. What if you’re doing some acrobatic shaving or vigorous washing? You can’t even do full-on getting deep in there teeth brushing or plucking or anything…but that’s a tangent. 

The reality of what I looked like in Grand Central Station versus what I wanted to look like if my life was a fantasy that I could write...

Random memory

I have a random memory of Captain Thor asking me about why I had hair on my neck. I’d always been deeply embarrassed about being hairy and I tried to play it off. I spent time making sure I plucked out every facial hair but my neck never occurred to me. It’s like one time that Chester was later ashamed that he’d mentioned to me that most women don’t just rock their arm hair – and I shaved my arms. For years, I’d hated being hairy but I didn’t know anything really could be done about it and shaving and plucking and bleaching everything everywhere just seemed like a losing battle. (I’ll talk at some point about my laser hair removal journey which was the best thing I ever did – of course, beauty-wise.) I always tried to play it off as okay because men don’t get questioned about perfectly normal mammalian hair but besides being totally jealous of tall, flat-chested, model-like women, I was also jealous of women who seemed to have flawless, hairless skin. How do they do it? Are some people just that naturally genetically blessed? And why is life so unfair? LOL. 

If only I could look like my dream girl…or maybe it’s everyone else’s obsession with blondes? No, but seriously, why didn’t life make me look more like Blake?

October 2012

In October, I went out with Anna on a night out. This was around the time I met Captain Cambridge and had a one-night stand with this very attractive Captain whose name I barely remember (I almost forgot to write about him but I will soon – and come up with an appropriate pseudonym). The CFO had been to visit me to ‘cheer’ me up. I’d gone home to my Mama’s house, taking Anna with me, for a weekend to heal my heart.

Captain Cambridge makes an appearance. I met the girl who is not Anna on the dating site where I'd randomly messaged women to go out with me when I was newly single and Anna was maybe not as available to go out. Anna came with me to Florida to see my Mama and baby sis – and we went to a party that night and Chester was there (she'd met him before, before we met these Captains where we went for Halloween together).

And by this point, I’d already been on a few dates, including with the handsome, kind Chinese-American doctor (more on him later) but I hadn’t been ready to date fully and when we first kissed I cried by accident. I still wasn’t over Captain Thor and I was still hoping he’d see my Facebook photos and miss me, especially when I took them with the hot bartender who had an equally hot girlfriend who was tall, stunningly beautiful, and modelesque. I didn’t have to be fucking the hot bartender, it just needed to look like it was a possibility…

Hot bartender randomly mastered the 'hover hand.' And when I was in my Supergirl costume, my first husband was out with me that night but I thought I better round off the photos for a final goodbye.

For his 30th birthday, I wrote a happy birthday message on myself in lipstick and took a mirror selfie to send to him – in my underwear – because I was ‘thinner’ and ‘hotter’ and surely then he’d see? (Spoiler: it’s never about body fat.)

I wore my own version of a ‘revenge dress’ also in the vain efforts of getting his attention.

Why do 'mirror selfies' always look better? I'm not sure why I decided on 'fully black out your eyes' eyeshadow. Maybe it was a reaction against 'natural beauties who never wear eyeshadow.' Anna looking amazing (and enviably thin) as always.

I even slept with the hot Jewish doctor again before he moved away (to Florida or wherever) to revisit the whole fling where the sex had been amazing. Again, I thought it would make me feel better, make me feel wanted but (surprise, surprise) it didn’t.

Taking a scalpel 

The ‘situationship’ lasted from November 2011 to September 2012 but it was fraught for me. All of it reminds me of

Allison Raskin

’s piece on ‘I don’t have to beg people to love me anymore.’ No matter what I did or didn’t do, it wasn't the right relationship or the right time. 

We both got something out of it. We had happy moments and a lovely day-to-day but then sadness and a general sense of unfulfillment because he spent more time with me than any of my previous boyfriends or dates (besides HSS) and he still could not and would not love me or care. Years later, as I said, he said it was a lost and bad time for him and it was really not to do with me. (Probably, it was a little to do with me and my neediness and lack of career.)

But the whole thing made me feel worthless. However, as established, it was only a continuation of most of the early-to-mid-20s dating interactions. My self-esteem and self-worth needed work anyway but some relationships rubbed salt and jalapenos further into the wound.

At the time, Dr Luke, being an older and wiser man, said people cannot make you happy. They can share your happiness alongside you but they cannot be your reason for happiness. The trouble was I didn’t know then how to be complete on my own. 

For a while, I didn’t forget the way he had treated me, the way he made me cry (oh so many teary phone calls to my mother – sorry, Mama!), but when I was visiting my mother this past December, she reminded me that when she and Lamar came to visit, Captain Thor been a perfect host. He’d gone to a lot of effort to make them sparkling water and fresh coffee and to make their trip enjoyable – and was always kind. 

And, ultimately, I did know that about him. Whilst Captain Thor wasn’t what I wanted and needed and he was sometimes unintentionally cruel, he ultimately had kindness in him. He supported me financially by paying for our living expenses and food (even though I was still paying rent and bills on my apartment with Brittany) and he took me on trips and adventures. He showed me the possibility of what life could be alongside a person who was a good fit (which we clearly weren’t for each other), but I think the heartbreak over this situation, the kind of wanting someone to commit even to something as minor as being ‘Facebook official,’ drove me very quickly into the outstretched arms of my first husband (more later). 

I only watched the first two seasons of Outlander but maybe this GIF fits?

It’s not that I wanted anything serious with Captain Thor – or I don’t think that’s what I had wanted at the time (and I’m glad for both of us it didn’t work out) – I wanted to be wanted and loved. He couldn’t give me that. He was recovering himself. 

Next up, how things ended with Captain Thor.

Don’t forget to check out the other fifty-four posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place – and the odd “present day snippet” of what I’m up to lately.

Have you ever broken apart the pieces of a past relationship for analysis? We can’t undo the decisions we made but we can reframe them and forgive ourselves.