#61 THE HOT JEWISH DOCTOR: THE END…OR WAS IT?
#61 THE HOT JEWISH DOCTOR: THE END…OR WAS IT?
The rollercoaster of the ending and what became of him
This post is incredibly long so you may want to read it over several sittings – and you’ll need to read it online/in the app to see the whole thing. Instead of breaking up this post into several smaller posts, I decided to put everything in one place. As usual, I have sub-headings breaking up the different sections. Thanks to all my subscribers for your support.
In October 2011, I dramatically wrote a subject line to myself “the ghosts of dating failure” are floating around me and how the Hot Jewish Doctor’s stories reminded me of the whole Patrick Bateman dating experience (read those posts starting here), where he basically listed all the ways the past women he dated had failed. Was it a hot, muscular man thing? Although, Chester said PB’s nose ruined his face.
In that one-line email, I wrote: The ‘this person failed’ routine reminds me of [PB]. It's self-fulfilling. I'm bound to fail. And you know what, it was true! It was self-fulfilling and I didn’t pass the exacting test.
But then again, in hindsight, remember when I said I was a yippy yappy dog around him? Well, who wants that? However, the universe also brought me where I’m meant to be now and I can happily write ‘all this crap’ from the vantage of a healthy, secure relationship. It also helps that my husband is not the jealous type in the least.
Did I think this was the way to bag a boyfriend?
In an undated notecard, I found written in green ink, I tried to swallow the ‘man-manual’ for dating and wrote notes to myself (I’ve added the bullets myself).
Men care about how they FEEL around a woman
Ask him about himself
Laugh at his jokes
Don’t give him a hard time
Trust him
Default: happy
Oh god! Was I trying to become a 1950s housewife? Sorry, honey, don’t bother your husband with your problems. You don’t matter. You need to look like a supermodel, be a size zero, have dinner on the table, make sure you’re presentable, and cater to his every need. Never say, ‘Not tonight, honey’ – be a vixen in the bedroom but not so sexy that other men lust after you. It’s all for your darling of a husband and if he slaps you around or unloads his problems on you, well, suck it up, buttercup, and welcome to marriage. Sigh!
Why was I a pick-me girl? Why didn’t I question it?
I mean I wrote that but then I also seemed to have this idea that in dating I really had to be ‘fully myself’ and that people had to like it or lump it. That was me in one way, but then I was also so desperate to impress in the way that early 20s women who are elder millennials like me can be. I wanted to be chosen but as I’ve written here (and quoted Poorna Bell’s piece), I didn’t question if things were what I wanted and needed.
There’s this artist I follow on Instagram, Lainey Molnar, and she has drawn about it here.
Is ‘dirty talk’ indicative of something else?
Plus, the Hot Jewish Doctor and Captain Thor were into dirty talk. I’ll just assume since it was largely my experience with flirting with various men I’ve slept with that “dirty talk” was standard, but, interestingly, neither of the two men I did go to marry ever spoke with me like that. I mean Michael and I may exchange the odd sext but definitely not at the beginning. He was a perfect gentleman or the “crap version of Mr Darcy” as he called himself. I guess by which he meant he didn’t own the equivalent of Chatsworth estate (but I’ll take our little corner of West Yorkshire any day).
The end of the whole ‘dating thing’
Skip to the end if you don't want the rigamarole of the whole email exchange it took for things to end.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011, 6.12pm
Subject line: Heart-stopping Sadness
Boy, is that a very overly dramatic subject line. I must have emailed myself the text I sent to him before he officially texted me to end things. So I just kept messaging him things and he just didn’t respond. Here’s more patheticness:
Still no texts from [Dr P] all day and I can't sleep, but before I tried I texted the following:
"I'm confused. Are/were you just busy today or did I say/do something wrong? I don't know if what I said weirded you out but I was being honest and it seems as if you've been honest with me. The last person I dated also told me of all his dating failures and I feel it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell me all the ways other people fail, it seems inevitable that I'm set up for failure too or have to worry if this I'm doing will equal failure or will that turn into an anecdote? And because this situation just happened to me, perhaps I'm overly sensitive to it. I like to learn from past relationships. Not only to learn what I don't want in the future but also to learn about myself. When I have revealed past information, I think I've carefully avoided criticising people from that past too harshly, choking it up mostly to incompatibility"
Then, I went downstairs and checked OkCupid messages to see if there's anyone I might potentially be interested in. I checked to see when [Dr P] had last logged in. I know, stalkerish. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I let it go? Anyway, he last logged in around 9.30 pm something and he texted me around 9.10 ish that he was "Driving now." So what does that mean?
He does check everything on his phone so he could have been about to drive and checked his messages on OkCupid. However, if he keeps logging on that also means that a. he just checks messages or b. he's actively searching for someone else, someone he deems more compatible. I really did think he was into me. This is very sad. I wonder where we went wrong? I say "we" because I can't blame myself entirely. How was I to know?
I wish I hadn't gone to Carrollton [in Georgia] this weekend and then it seems things would have been okay because I wouldn't have had the awkward unfulfilling sex thing happen and then he wouldn't have discovered that he didn't find me interesting enough or good enough in bed to continue to date. I know I'm over-speculating but I can't help it. Maybe him diagnosing me with ADD put him off? He said it all "made sense" now and I'm not sure that sounded like a good thing in light of the other ADD girl he dated, which he pointedly told me did not work out. He also seemed increasingly dissatisfied that I was not into watching television. Maybe I should've made more effort? But maybe he should've too. It seems like we settled into this routine where all we did was make out, have sex, watch television whilst he ate something, and then we went to bed and maybe had sex again. We'd wake up early and get ready for our respective jobs, but he was very go-go minded in the morning and acted like he barely had time to kiss me goodbye at the car.
It's so late, but I feel as if a hot knife has been plunged into my stomach. I feel really ill with it. I wish that I didn't feel this way about things. Why do I obsess? Why can't I be "normal." Why can't he just tell me if he is not interested? And why can't he tell me why?
He really did not seem like that kind of guy.
My goal is not to text him for a week. If he still does not text, I'll ask him for closure, What happened? What did I do wrong? Why couldn't you just tell me you weren't interested? and so forth and then I will delete his number and try and get over it.
I hope I feel better in the morning. I just feel so sad right now.
I feel like people in their early twenties feel so very deeply. We get a touch more jaded as we age and we don’t feel everything quite so dramatically.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011, 4.37pm
I emailed myself these paragraphs, a sentence for me, and a copy of his text:
So [Dr P] ended things. I feel sad, but I'm glad he told me. It seems so random and out of the blue.
"I needed a day to put my thoughts down. I know you hate texts, but I find in writing, I can say what I want to convey better. I think I am looking for something different and I'm not feeling very connected. We like very different things and I just don't feel the level of compatibility I like. For example, I would rather watch tv than read a book or discuss its themes. It's nothing you did. I just think it's better to stop anything now before there's more emotional involvement. I have a bad habit of letting things linger well beyond what I should because I pussy out of ending things. The stories I told had no deeper meaning. I'm just trying to do things differently so I can find what I'm looking for. We clearly are in different circles and heading in different directions so I think this is best. I prefer things not to be awkward so if I see you around I wouldn't hesitate to say hello, etc. If you want to talk on the phone later, I will be around." (Tuesday, 10.42 AM)
All of this was true but to my mind back then, young twenties, it stung. He was right to understand that the level of compatibility mattered and without really saying it directly, our respective social status differences (which I touched on here in a post about Captain Thor) also impacted things. At that time, I was younger. I hadn’t established a career. I still went out on the weekends to get trashed. I was still living a grad school-style life, where you live in a place with found furniture, and you don’t do regular dishes or laundry (maybe that was just me). He was a fully-grown adult Doctor who had an established career and older friend groups. He wasn’t quite in the dinner party set but he wanted to be there. He wanted someone in his future who wouldn’t bore a group of mixed company. I was still in that pretentious phase of life that university students sometimes get where they think all discussions of value have to be about ‘ideas’ and not simply ‘what TV show you watched last night.’ Those sorts of people are insufferable.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011, 5.08pm
What I emailed to Hot Jewish Doctor based on the very limited text above. Sigh.
[Dr P],
First of all, thanks for telling me up-front. It still seems out of the blue to me since I didn't really see it coming at all. How long have you been feeling this lack of compatibility? You seemed constantly to text me and then Sunday night, the texts were sporadic, which made me over-analyse and then wish I hadn't sent those texts; however, in hindsight, I didn' think what I said was so bad. Then, Monday...nothing and I was thinking what happened? A weekend of disappointing sex doesn't indicate a pattern, so that can't be it.
Okay, so I feel the need to respond to your text point by point. You said (what you say is in black in case you haven't figured out the pattern), “I needed a day to put my thoughts down. I know you hate texts, but I find in writing, I can say what I want to convey better.”
Yep! I made a reply of my words in red and his in black. For you, dear reader, I’ve put the text in bold since I don’t think this interface allows for colours. Also, when someone doesn’t want to date you, what's the point in emailing them a rebuttal? Seriously, what was wrong with me? It’s not like you’re going to be like, “you know, these are the reasons I think you’re wrong” and they’re going to be like, “Oh, you’re right. I did really like dating you. I ended things by mistake. Let’s date again.”
I find that in writing I can also convey my thoughts better too, but it would've been nice if you'd said a quick hello or something or just told me you were busy.
I find this in responses of unhealed people (as I was). They are so sensitive that they want you to reply in very specific ways to spare their feelings. Unfortunately, people don’t work like that.
He said:
I think I am looking for something different and I'm not feeling very connected.
My nonsensical rebuttal:
I guess I never did ask what you were looking for. What are you looking for? I also never asked why you were on a dating site. Was it simply because you find meeting people difficult because you're busy? Or another reason? For me, personally, it was because I'd just moved here and I originally joined when I lived in Valdosta to get over a person I was seeing.
Ha! I was a walking red flag. What’s that popular song now about getting over someone by getting under someone else? Twenties me could hard relate. With ‘hard’ being no pun intended. (Oh, the song is the opposite – don’t sleep with people you’re trying to get over. I wouldn’t learn that rule for a long, long time.)
He said:
We like very different things and I just don't feel the level of compatibility I like. For example, I would rather watch tv than read a book or discuss its themes.
I said:
Whereas I picked up on the fact you were bothered by my lack of television watching. For example, you made a comment that I talk during the "important bits," etc, television watching is not fundamental personality trait. What I mean is, I just haven't been used to watching television in a long time, but I do, however, despite appearances to the contrary, like television. I'm not trying to argue with you and suggest that you should see me etc, but the television thing isn't a fundamental issue. I could, conceivably, have learned to watch television with you in the way you liked to. I was just getting to know you so I was more excited about the prospect of talking with you than watching a television show that I wasn't invested in. Granted, with more television watching I could have learned to like the shows you liked and I was planning on making more of an effort.
Funnily enough, I’m about a year older than Doctor was then and besides writing, I’m also in my ‘television-watching phase’ with Michael. We watch quite a number of varied shows and we love cuddling up in my room, watching the tele. It can be learned!
I do, however, feel like we'd settled into this odd routine of make out, sex, eating, television, sex, etc. And that kinda took away from the "getting to know" each other part. Perhaps I let the fact I was very attracted to you override my senses?
Yes, I did. I did make a valid point here if I do say so myself. You can’t get to know someone if all you do is fuck each other’s brains out.
As far as the reading books things go and discussing themes, I don't do this all the time. I'm sorry I once bored you with my talk on Pride and Prejudice, but I have other things I like to talk about. I have plenty of literary-minded friends to fulfill my need to discuss literary themes and I don't necessarily look for that in someone I date. To me, the whole TV versus book point is kinda moot. But I understand if it's important to you.
He said:
It's nothing you did. I just think it's better to stop anything now before there's more emotional involvement.
I rebutted:
Yes, I appreciate that you did tell me early. What exactly about me set off red flags for you?
Ha! What didn’t set off red flags? And it’s nothing I did? It was most likely everything I did but he was trying to be kind and I was emailing him a rebuttal. Oh my goodness! What was I like? As my therapist says, forgive your past self for acting in ways you thought were protecting you. I guess I was protecting my massively fragile ego and sense of self.
He said:
I have a bad habit of letting things linger well beyond what I should because I pussy out of ending things. The stories I told had no deeper meaning. I'm just trying to do things differently so I can find what I'm looking for.
I said:
Again, what exactly are you looking for? Do you have a clear picture? It's not a criticism or a slight; I'm genuinely interested.
Also, why would he bother replying to any of this if he was doing the whole ‘break up text.’ Also, a BREAK-UP TEXT is a red flag. It’s even worse when someone ends a marriage via text (also happened to me).
He said:
We clearly are in different circles and heading in different directions so I think this is best.
What do you mean by "different circles"? I don't think I'm in any circles right now. I just moved here. Or do you mean the "poor graduate student" versus "successful doctor" thing? Granted, I won't always be a graduate student or an adjunct instructor. I'm just starting out and finding my direction in life and perhaps you're looking for someone more established. In which case I'm kinda confused as to why you started seeing me at all since you knew this information up front. What direction are you heading in? And, more importantly, what direction do you think I am heading in?
Bingo! I did get the whole social status discrepancy.
Maybe you were ready to settle and have children; even though I, perhaps, mentioned my opposition to these ideas a few times, it's not like I'm not potentially looking for that in the future. Although, this is all irrelevant now.
He said:
I prefer things not to be awkward so if I see you around I wouldn't hesitate to say hello etc.
I said:
I'm not the kind of person to hold grudges. When I said I rarely let things bother me, I meant it. Of course, it's not like things ending doesn't sting, but I'll get over it. I'd like for things to be amiable as well. Maybe this would be odd, but with distance perhaps you'd like to be friends? Or maybe you'd prefer not. I do still enjoy your company. It's not like I can turn that off overnight.
To be fair, I don’t think I have held grudges against people in my past. I do legit hope they are all well and living their best lives. They were part of my journey and I’m happy in my life now (thankfully) and they didn't do long-lasting damage. No one ever made it so I was bitter and that I couldn’t love again or anything, at least. I always kept trying, as a hopeless romantic, putting myself out there time and time again.
He said:
If you want to talk on the phone later, I will be around.
I still think that’s kind of him to offer me phone call closure. Cousin Pamela would be proud of past me wanting phone calls. Now, I distinctly do not want phone calls.
What time do you get off today? If it'd be okay, I'd maybe like to meet in person. Or maybe the phone will work best for you? Don't worry. I'm not going to try and convince you to change your mind; I have more dignity than that. I think I'd just find the transition easier. Because, again, it was all very sudden to me even if you had been mulling it over for some time. I mean the fact you'd invited me to hang out over the weekend indicated to me a different direction than the last weekend before you break things off.
I barely even understand what I wrote here. I guess that means that if you’re ready to break it off with someone, you don’t invite them over for the weekend, but maybe the disastrous weekend (read here) solidified that it wasn’t working.
Weird request, but if you'd be game, I'd like to have sex one last time just so I can leave with a happy memory. Game?
Spoiler: we had sex more than once after this point.
Also, sadly, I never did receive those pictures I took. I'd still like to have them if that would not be too odd for you.
He did eventually send these as well.
And, finally, maybe I'd like to have a photo together? Maybe this is an odd request but I like to have a photo with each person I date, no matter how briefly. I like to take photos to chronicle my life. I understand if you're not okay with this one. Okay, so re-reading that makes me sound like a weirdo, but I'm used to taking hundreds of photos each week and since I moved to Columbus I've taken none. Normally, I would have taken photos of the things we did together, but I just felt that that wouldn't be appropriate protocol with you.
And in this case, this didn’t happen. No photos exist of us in the wild together. Again, even back then I was trying to document life as if it was Memento. Although sometimes finding stuff I wrote over a decade ago does feel like I have amnesia. If we think people don’t adapt and change, then they really do over time. Michael and I are certainly not the same people or versions of ourselves we met almost eight years ago.
Hope you're having a good day,
Elaine x
Email to Brittany
Because life didn’t make sense unless I was talking to Brittany or Chester about things!
Tuesday, 4 October 2011, 3pm ish
Okay, so you probably picked up on my kinda-not-okay-ness yesterday? Well, it’s because [Dr P’s] texts on Sunday were choppy and I received none on Monday. I didn't receive anything this morning either and, well, I left my phone in your office, but I'm sure there'll be none today.
The ‘good old days’ of times when our phones were not glued to us practically 24/7. Now I’d feel like my arm was removed if I didn’t have my iPhone (™ and all that).
I’m not really sure what happened, but things seemed to be going well until I started to worry when he diagnosed me with the whole ADD thing and told me that it didn’t work out with the other person he dated with ADD because she did weird things because she'd switch her train of thought at odd times. (But he did say that if I had ADD it was "mild.") And lately he’s been telling me a lot of “this didn’t work out” stories and that makes me feel anxious because that’s what [PB] did and I feel it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell me how easy it is to fail, it’s like I’m bound for failure.
On a personal, but important note, sex this weekend was NOT as awesome as it usually is, so he seemed really disappointed with that, but it doesn’t seem like a reason to give up on someone. I mean, one bad weekend doesn’t equal a pattern, right? He also seemed disconcerted that I don’t like television. He’s very into routine and he likes to watch tv and cuddle up and kinda talk during commercials and stuff, but he says because I don’t pay attention to the television I talk at the important times, but he didn’t act like that was a big deal or anything.
Thankfully for Brittany and maybe all my friends, I did not share the sordid details that I now share with my readers so, basically, have I developed some sort of mental disorder over the last decade? Some readers are here for the smutty stuff which may be good practice for writing a romance novel this year (under a pseudonym).
Then there was the disappearing in the bathroom, which was odd of me. Yeah…but, again, that doesn’t seem like a reason not to contact me.
Anyway, so Sunday morning he got called to the hospital. He spent a lazy morning with me and then he helped me carry my stuff to my car and he kissed me goodbye. I know that he had a lot of work to do at the hospital. He was running late and he had to "irrigate" some man.
I went to fill up my car with gas at the station near the hotel. I was feeling pretty positive on the drive home. The weather was cold and it was a nice, sunny day.
I texted him when I'd gone part way down the road, "I feel I was sexually disappointing to you this weekend. But I'll make it up to you next week. Promise. P.S. You're so sexy." (Sunday, 1.08 pm) Maybe I was trying too hard but I thought it seemed playful enough and kinda indicating that it wouldn't be a pattern we'd slipped into.
Yes, I T9 texted and drove. This was before texting and driving was an illegal thing…
An hour later it occurred to me to ask, "How difficult would it be to get provigil this week? Or would I have to be prescribed it?" (Sunday, 2.02 pm). Maybe I shouldn't have asked him for drugs, but he had suggested that it was an awesome concentration drug and seemed eager to help me out and get it for me but he always kept "forgetting" to bring some.
When I'd settled in at home, I texted, "Made it home. Hope you have a good day :)" (Sunday, 2.33 pm)
I'd usually hear from him at some point later in the day, so I asked, "Make it home ok?" (Sunday, 9.09 pm)
Reply: "Driving now" (Sunday, 9.10 pm)
"Aww. Long day! Was it ok?" (Sunday, 9.11 pm)
Reply: "Busy" (Sunday, 9.11 pm) Was this "Busy" as in I'm busy now or busy as in the day at the hospital was busy? Either way, he didn't respond again.
"Wish I could scratch your back to relax you :)" (Sunday, 9.12 pm). No reply.
Cring! Why did I tell B so much?
Then, later on, I tried to ring him. He didn't answer, so I texted: "Going to bed early. Just wanted to say goodnight and I hope you have a good week." (Sunday, 10.50 pm) No reply. Am I being what he considers "clingy" now? Or was he just tired or driving or any number of things? Either way, I couldn't sleep after that so I went back downstairs and took more attendance.
Then, I texted again later, even though it was probably a mistake: "Ugh. Can't sleep. Your stories of all these women you dated are kinda making me anxious, even though it's ridiculous since I'm just enjoying my time with you, casually seeing you. But the stories kinda make me feel like a short-lived fling, like I wonder when my time's up. Maybe that sounds silly because we just met but I enjoy your company? I just want to have fun with you and whilst I find the stories entertaining at the time, I have a tendency towards analysing so I wonder what exactly you're trying to reveal to me or are you simply conversing?" (Monday, 12.37 am). No reply. Okay, so this was probably where I went wrong. Displaying insecurity is a no, no, but he seemed mature enough to take it. I thought.
I woke up the next morning. Still no reply.
Before I showered, I texted: "Anyway, I'm not trying to get too serious too soon. I just don't want to see the impending end at the beginning. Things should be light and fun, I think. I feel so sleepy this morning. Hope you're having a better morning." (Monday, 8.45 am)
And then he did not text me all Monday, which is odd because he usually texts me at SOME point, even though Monday is his busy day.
I went to bed again, but my mind was reeling so around midnight last night I texted (even though I'd vowed not to text him until he texted me because I didn't want to seem desperate, but I felt if the last two texts scared him off I needed to explain more): "I'm confused. Are/were you just busy today or did I say/do something wrong? I don't know if what I said weirded you out but I was being honest and it seems as if you've been honest with me. The last person I dated also told me of all his dating failures and I feel it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell me all the ways other people fail, it seems inevitable that I'm set up for failure too or have to worry if this I'm doing will equal failure or will that turn into an anecdote? And because this situation just happened to me, perhaps I'm overly sensitive to it. I like to learn from past relationships. Not only to learn what I don't want in the future but also to learn about myself. When I have revealed past information, I think I've carefully avoided criticizing people from that past too harshly, choking it up mostly to incompatibility"
Then, I went downstairs and checked OkCupid messages to see if there's anyone I might potentially be interested in. I checked to see when [Dr P] had last logged in. I know, stalkerish. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I let it go? Anyway, he last logged in around 9.30 pm something on SUNDAY and he texted me around 9.10 ish that he was "Driving now." So what does that mean? Was he NOT driving when he said he was driving? I mean, this is odd. He's always seemed to be very truthful to me.
Sigh! I was so pathetic. Are there any not-overthinkers out there? Was it just me?
He does check everything on his phone so he could have been about to drive and checked his messages on OkCupid. However, if he keeps logging on that also means that a. he just checks messages or b. he's actively searching for someone else, someone he deems more compatible. I really did think he was into me. This is very sad. I wonder where we went wrong? I say "we" because I can't blame myself entirely. How was I to know?
I wish I had NOT gone to Carrollton this weekend and then it seems things would have been okay because I wouldn't have had the awkward unfulfilling sex thing happen and then he wouldn't have discovered that he didn't find me interesting enough to date or maybe he found me weird. He did say a seemingly innocuous, “You said you were quirky.” I know I'm over-speculating but I can't help it. Maybe him diagnosing me with ADD put him off? He said it all "made sense" now and I'm not sure that sounded like a good thing in light of the other ADD girl he dated, which he pointedly told me did not work out. Again, he seemed increasingly dissatisfied that I was not into watching television. Maybe I should've made more effort? But maybe he should've too. It seems like we settled into this routine already in the evenings. Then we'd wake up early and get ready for our respective jobs, but he was very go-go minded in the morning and acted like he barely had time to kiss me goodbye at the car. But he always did and was always nice.
I know this sounds dramatic, but I feel as if a hot knife has been plunged into my stomach. I feel really ill with it. I wish that I didn't feel this way about things. Why do I obsess? Why can't I be "normal." Why can't he just tell me if he is not interested? And why can't he tell me why? I tried to take things slowly and I thought I was. I tried to just go with it and see where things led and I tried not to read too much into his actions/the things he said, but I guess it's automatic for me.
He really did not seem like that kind of guy.
My goal is not to text him for a week. If he still does not text, I'll ask him for closure, What happened? What did I do wrong? Why couldn't you just tell me you weren't interested? and so forth and then I will delete his number and try and get over it.
But even if he did tell me those things…then would I have just accepted them? Probably not…
I’m feeling okay as of right now, but I’m trying to avoid my phone :(
My students are working on revisions again and I planned on grading after I'd composed this message to you.
Hope you're having a good day. :D
Tuesday, 4 October 2011, 7.48pm
The wise bits of Brittany’s reply:
I'm so sorry to hear about all of this (and sorry it took me so long to reply). I wish I knew what to tell you, but unfortunately, I can't read his mind. I can't tell you what went wrong. I can tell you, however, that I'm extremely proud of you. From what I could see, you really handled this relationship wonderfully. You did take it slow and you did let it just happen. Honestly, I know everyone always says this and that it doesn't mean much, but I don't think it was you. I really got the feeling all along that [Dr P] was looking for a wife. I mean, he was reading about relationships, he was trying to build something lasting. I don't remember who said this (maybe Chester), but someone told you that you and [Bramwell – RHSG] were just in the wrong places in your lives. Well, I think maybe you and [Dr P] are in the wrong places, too. You're in "I'm not sure what I want and I'm young, and life is exciting and full of possibilities, and I'm still finding myself." [Dr P] is in "I've got a job, a place to live, nice things – I'm an established provider looking for someone to provide for." I know that doesn't dull that knife pain in your stomach. I wish I could do something to make that stop. Even though I know it wouldn't help and that he never meant to hurt you, part of me would like to yell at [Dr P] a bit and ask him what's wrong with him. But you know me; I'm a bit of a hothead.
Aww! What a lovely friend! Women supporting women and all that. And it’s all so true about people having to be in the ‘same place’ in life to be compatible.
I did notice your kinda-not-okay-ness. I was concerned because you didn't say much about your weekend, even when I asked you. When you're quiet about something, that's not good. And I heard you up at night and sensed your restlessness. However, I wasn't sure what was going on, so I was hesitant to ask too many questions.
But honestly, regardless of what happened in Carrollton, if [Dr P] was looking for a wife to settle down with, then it wouldn't have worked. I just hope you're not beating yourself up over this, because regardless of what happened sexually, or while watching TV, or whenever else, settling down isn't what you want right now.
I wish I had something better to say. I'm not feeling especially wise right now. I feel like now that I've started online dating, I've become less wise. Maybe one needs distance and objectivity to have wisdom. That makes me sad; what good is wisdom if one simply lives a detached life on the mountain-top and never actually applies that wisdom? To stay wise, must I isolate myself from everyone? Or must I not feel – because it's being emotionally invested that obscures wisdom. *sigh*
Then Brittany talked about some other topics and when one of her dates asked her if she wanted children. Brittany was always amazing with children and had worked in the creche/nursery at her church. She wanted children at the time and, unlike me, she felt a more biological drive for them.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011, 9.42pm
What I replied to Brittany that day:
Ha! The scary thing is is maybe I want to be married and have kids. Or at least that's PART of me. I want to be the fucking Angel in the House. Ha! So whenever people bring it up, I seem like I'm dead set against it, but really I'm only lukewarm against it.
For those who didn’t study Victorian Literature, the ‘Angel in the House’ was a term coined by Coventry Patmore in an 1854 narrative poem. The trope existed long before it had a name. Think of many Victorian characters in, say, Dickens novels. The “good, saintly” (read: Christian) woman gets rewarded for her perfection and the “fallen woman” (read: promiscuous or accidentally pregnant or the opposite of the “Angel in the House'') repents and often dies. The ‘Angel in the House’ was the Victorian feminine ideal of a submissive wife and mother devoted to her children. I don’t think I quite wanted to become that because, according to Victorian standards, I was most firmly in the “fallen woman” camp, but thankfully us “sinners” are no longer narratively punished by an early consumptive death. I could go on about this topic but I will save your eyeballs…
And for some reason I kept emphasising how I wasn't on the kid/marriage market with [Dr P]. It seemed like I needed to emphasise that because I didn't want to scare him away and make him think that I was some poor college kid looking for a meal ticket, but maybe that was the wrong approach? Irony?
And why am I feeling like this too? Again, I spend way too much time – more than I'd ever admit to you or myself – thinking about all this marriage and kids shit. Why? Why? Why? I'm totally defective.
Part of me thinks it's very anti-feminist of me. I want to have a career, make my own path, BE FREEEEEE! But part of me sees freedom in the confines of security. Yes, CONFINES OF SECURITY. And maybe that's because everything is so uncertain and hard and fucking nerve-wracking right now.
And I honestly miss being in a stable long-term relationship and I haven't had that since [high school sweetheart – HSS]. Even if [HSS] wasn't right for me, he really did love me – even if that love was the twisted I-love-you-so-much-I-want-to-squeeze-the-life-out-of-you kind of love – and there's security in having someone there for you and care for you each and every day.
Ugh! This hurts so much. It's just so out of the blue and so sad for me. There's always that "too good to be true" thing. I hate to be increasingly more cynical, but still. He seemed so open and honest with me and things seemed to be going so well and then they suddenly were not going well at all. Wtf? A big what the fuck? And I'm not sure it was me or anything I did, but he sure as hell didn't give any indicators. Ugh!
I’m sure he did give me signals or maybe he didn’t. Who knows now? But it was good for Brittany to say that she’d noticed progress in my dating history and was proud of me!
I'm sorry to hear about [person she was dating]. Hopefully, maybe, potentially, soon we'll both find people that are WORTH our time? I understand it's hard for you to feel comfortable with someone. But I also understand the need for intellectual discussion. I guess I realise that with [Dr P] it was all about him and his interests and he didn't even pretend or try to pretend to be remotely interested in anything I was. He didn't even try to learn about literary analysis. I mean, I like people who like learning. I mean, it's okay for him not to be interested, but to be rude about it. Sheesh! Gosh, and I don't think I'm that boring? Sadface.
I think that stung because he made me feel boring. But you know, there are people out there for everyone. Also, Michael (gasp) is not a reader and we still legitimately love being in each other’s company. He’s film and TV mad and has an unbelievable memory and I still prefer books (although more audiobooks these days as our attention spans have gotten ever-shorter – and also probably because I’m an editor and read words all day).
When we were first talking on the phone, he told me at some point he went on thirty dates that didn't have second dates. I guess I got a lot longer than that. Ha! I'm just so baffled.
I hope you enjoy meeting Mr. Unpronounceable. Ha!
But, seriously, I want to meet another established person. And being a doctor was cool. How does one meet more handsome, young doctors? Ha!
I did think about joining another dating site. I do need mourning time, but I also like rebounding. It's easier.
Heh! I guess this summed up my philosophy on life: rebonding was easier…
I think [Dr P’s] on a few dating sites. Maybe he is looking for trophy wife number two. I kinda made a comment once saying that I didn't think he'd message me because I'm not exactly a "trophy wife" kind of person, but he said "already had one of those." I guess that was his first wife. But he did talk to me a lot about compatibility stuff. Like once he was like, "You're a Gemini" and Geminis are supposed to be untrustworthy to Leos, etc. And then he did that "Love Languages" thing where he said that I like to give compliments and I'm affectionate. Whereas, he is affectionate and something else – maybe acts of service? I don't remember.
I am still a Gemini and I still am affectionate and complimentary! And Michael responds well to both! I think he is more acts of service, though, and he’s learned to be affectionate.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
For some reason, I felt the need to record these snippets of texts after I sent my pathetic ‘rebuttal’ to his breaking-it-off message:
Dr P: I'm just finishing work. I'll read your email when I get home. (4.14 pm)
Dr P: Got roped into dinner with the guys. Will have to table the phone call till tomorrow. (8.00 pm)
I always hated when people spelt ‘til or ‘until’ like a tiller…
Elaine: If you could spare the time I'd really appreciate the closure today. Then I'll know and won't have to think about it tonight and tomorrow. (11.12 pm)
Elaine: I really don't want to make this a painful conversation any more than you do. You've been good at keeping your word in the short time I've known you. I really didn't expect you to treat me like this. I don't think I've been irrational or unfair. (11.21 pm)
Dr P: Sorry, I'm out tonight. I thought I'd have more time after work. (11.28 pm)
Elaine: So you don't have time when you return from being out? (11.31 pm)
Rolls eyes at my patheticness. It was a short-lived fling and did it really need that much ‘closure’ but I can’t speak for my younger self. Well, I can show you how my younger self reacted.
Thursday, 6 October 2011, 1.11pm
Notes with subject line: Phone call with [Dr P]
To be fair to the guy, he did contact me the next morning after he’d been out probably past midnight!
I said something along the lines of as far as compatibility goes, I understand you felt we did not have much in common, but I liked the fact you were intelligent and could hold a good conversation. I find that hobbies and interests develop together over time and similarities on such a level are less important. And I think I'm open to a lot of new things and learning to like and appreciate things that maybe I hadn't considered.
He felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable. I talked a lot and all of my conversations seemed to revolve around books. And he said he often felt bored by what I was saying. He didn't think I'd ever go and see any movies he wanted to see and he liked watching television and seeing movies. He said that I got squeamish at his work stories. He also said I often looked glazed-over when he talked about things he was interested in.
I don’t remember not being interested in him and/or what he had to say. In fact, I was fascinated with everything about him at the time. But maybe I didn’t convey it or maybe these may have been projections because he was deeply uninterested in what I had to say. But also people are allowed to end things and not be compatible and don’t really expect to be bombarded with people like me who are full-on.
He said that I didn't seem to be interested when he talked about comic books; I didn't try to get interested in the football game even though he said it was important to him and so forth.
He said I was overwhelmingly affectionate too soon and that I said I thought he too was affectionate and he said he's been accused of the opposite and he's more into hand-holding when he's into someone.
He thought my random conversations during sex were odd.
Also, he said when he's really into someone he will make lots of time to spend with them even if he's very busy. He said Mondays are his and Tuesdays are guy's night, but other than that, he has five days. He said that the fact that he was content to see me two or three days a week was a tip off and that I overwhelmed him and he didn't feel comfortable with me.
Jae said to me something like I said he never saw me on a Friday was probably to do with the fact that ‘Friday dusk until Saturday dusk is the Jewish sabbath and they are not allowed to work/date, etc’ so it may have been that. Also, I love a bit of Friday Night Dinner (a British show about a Jewish family in England).
He described me as intense and maybe I seemed too high-strung for him. The fact that he couldn't get me off easily really bothered him. Getting a girl off makes him feel more like a man and he usually doesn't have that trouble and it made him feel badly about himself. He felt he was doing something wrong like he hadn't learned my body or something. This also makes me kinda sad.
Funnily enough, he did have times when he could make me orgasm but I think the more I thought about it and got nervous around him the less often it happened, but even still I felt the bedroom life was still intense and good. It’s not all about the finish line. Sometimes you can enjoy the ride, no pun intended (or every pun intended?).
He said he might consider a sexual relationship with me, but there needs to be cool-down time. I said that if he wanted something this week or in the weekend to let me know. He laughed and said that he wasn't thinking about that right now. This kinda makes me sad. Obviously sex with me isn't that awesome. I said I thought we were sexually compatible. He said we were to a degree – definitely on sexual appetite.
I said that I'd never had anyone describe me as overwhelming and my friends usually think I'm laid back and go-with-the-flow. I also said that I was probably too wrapped up in getting to know him, which was why I wanted to talk all the time and such. He said he usually likes to get to know stuff gradually. I said I probably can be a bit full-on because I like to learn about people because I like to know about disparate people so I can use the information, etc. But I can see how I was too full-on with that and I hope to learn from it.
It still makes me feel kinda crappy, but at least I don't have the rose-tinted spectacles. I guess I was too wrapped up in the "idea" of him. He also thinks I may have seemed more emotionally connected, etc. I don't know...I don't think I was?
Who knows now and who cares? I think Brittany hit the nail on the head; I was still young and wanted to be free and explore life and he was ready to settle down, being twelve years older and established where I was anything but established.
The script to myself…
Another email I wrote to myself on the matter. I guess I couldn’t stop thinking about the whole ordeal and the rejection and heartbreak of it all. I somehow created this weird sort of back-and-forth ‘script’ to myself…
Thursday, 6 October 2011, 5.15pm
Subject line: An apple a day…
What academics do: synthesise and connect.
Professor Auburn: "It's interesting that literary analysis is so similar in a lot of ways to what I do with teaching web design..."
Professor Auburn is someone I started dating at the same time as Dr P but then I ended things with him, probably confusing him because he was absolutely delightful, and I’ll write about him soon. There was nothing wrong with him at all and he was handsome and intelligent and a good conversationalist but there was something extra about Doctor (maybe the big muscles) and I chose the Doctor instead.
Elaine: Okay, so I'm obviously boring doctor with talk of Pride and Prejudice, but maybe if I talk more he'll suddenly be engrossed by the story and see how interesting it is.
"So, then Mr. Collins comes along and he's really obnoxious, but the estate has been entailed to him, so he thinks he's being charitable when he asks Lizzie to marry him and she's like, 'no, sisters, please don't leave me alone with him'..."
Oh fuck!
What doctor hears: Book talk. Book talk. Book talk. Does she ever stop talking about books? Oh fuck! She's going to keep going. How long will this last? How long can I feign interest? 30 seconds. Glazed-over-look. Glazed-over-look.
Elaine: Keeps talking...STAT. STAT? Is the doctor alive? Oh no, I'm losing him. Am I really that boring? God, I didn't even get to the end of the story. I really hate being treated like I'm boring. Oh fuck! I'm boring? But people seem to think I'm interesting or so I thought. Sadface.
Did people think I was interesting? I had no idea at this point. I mean I guess the right people maybe did and the wrong people (for me) definitely didn’t. Again, I think I said before at this point in my life, I was a bit of a snob and only liked talking about intellectual things, which is frankly, boring and now I love talking about all sorts of things from trivial to serious to dishwashers (I love mine)!
The hookups resume
Somehow by the 12th of October, a mere week later, we’d resumed our casual sexual relationship and with no hopes of a relationship, I was probably more relaxed and I’d show up to a door with underwear and a coat and he’d be naked (underneath) and wearing his doctor’s coat upon request.
Sometimes in bed or I recall an incident when he was over at my apartment, he’d help me edit some creative writing – even, some that I’d written about sex with Bramwell.
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Subject line: Murphy's Law Extraordinaire
My luck had run out. That invisible lucky rabbit foot that I thought I had permanently attached to me had finally disappeared. I could see I was going to label this week as "Murphy's Law Extraordinaire," hoping that the week would not turn into more weeks, months, years.
No idea what this means but prob something to do with Dr P. I tended to view my life even then as things happening for a reason and that I was generally a lucky person who ‘landed on her feet.’
Friday, 14 October 2011
Chester’s assessment of my feelings: “I didn't say you didn't feel, just said you try to avoid feeling. You'd rather be analytical about a situation then elicit any type of emotional response. No crying, no anger, no jealousy, no love, though you do feel those emotions.”
Then why was I so neurotic, Chester, my dear friend?
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Subject line: The Day I Gave [Dr P] the "Out"
So I sent [Dr P] some texts today and he usually responds and I didn't get a response after a while so I figured he was ignoring me and didn't want to talk so I sent: "Sorry. Will stop texting. You're busy. You don't have time. I just like talking to you. You are funny and amuse me. And I like sex with you but you think I'm too quirky and whatever you think of me :)"
Lines dripping with emotional ridiculousness and insecurity. Sigh.
Then I couldn't stop so I said: "...and you indulged me before by responding but it got old apparently. Maybe it's that I seem like a lot of drama that you aren't used to. And you kinda make me feel like I don't have my life together and I admire that you do. However, I may not be together now but I'm only 24. You were in med school at my age so I doubt you were stable either. And think what can happen in one year, how much can change then, and you have an extra 11 on me. I think I'm where I am supposed to be at 24. And I learn, like really make a point of learning, from my experiences. I'm not sure you reevaluate yourself as much anymore. You've obviously dated a lot and I know you're figuring out what fits with you but are you willing to work with someone to fit together? No one will be your ideal, just like no one will be my perfect match. It's about compromise. I'm not sure you gave me much of a chance. It's like you have a checklist and I didn't meet enough points. Even though I have a tentative checklist, I try and learn about each person. Maybe your wife was perfect for you and I'm sorry she's not in your life. That must be hard because I'm sure you expected her to be there forever. I hope you find what you're looking for. :)"
Then a few hours later he said, "Or my phone was dead."
I felt like a complete dick. So I said: "Ha. I feel like dick. Oops."
He replied: "No worries. Been fixing my computer." He did not have to reply at all. I'd given him an out. He hasn't seen me in a week; he hasn't indicated he wants sex again, so I'm utterly confused.
I sent: "Yeah? How's that going. God. I'm a horrible person. I totally get now if you want to stop talking to me. I do talk too much. Sorry for saying those things to you. I think it just hurts my ego that someone I admire doesn't like me. Sadly, wrongly even, I'm used to people thinking I'm charming and not boring. But maybe I am. boring that is. And it's funny that my friend says I think very little when I'm dating someone – as in I barely analyse anything I just go with it – but after I pick everything apart. Another and different mean friend whose goal seems to give me harsh reality checks says the I'm a great fling but no one takes me seriously as a girlfriend because I'm too open and not enough of a chase. And obviously I talk too fucking much about myself. Ha."
Then he responded. Why I don't know: "The comp thing was ok. Out drinking now."
Then I made a joke and asked if his porn collection had been saved. And he said, "Umm well the Internet still exists. My porn was backed up :)"
Then we continued to text – through guys night – I asked what he liked and he said something like all sorts, but not lesbian, etc and then at one point he seemed to get kinda flirty with me. I'm utterly confused. I gave him an out and he did not take it. And then I guess he went home around 12.40 and said, "I'm going to sleep. Good night. Sweet dreams."
I was all sorts of a fucked up hot mess. I can’t even pull this apart. Just reading it is already pulling it apart and yes, I thought if we were having casual hookups then I’d actually morphed into a cooler, more casual version of myself but no, I would never learn not to be super neurotic until later (and maybe therapy).
Then by the 23rd of October (four days after whatever the above was), I was emailing myself about the perfect, charming Captain Cotillion. Of course, my neuroses messed that up too – but also it didn't – because he was moving anyway.
Thursday, 3 November 2011, 4.26pm
Subject line: Ah! Texting Woes!
On Tuesday, I barely text Doctor and in the evening he suddenly texts me wanting to discuss Chekhov because he remembers I like Chekhov and I'm thinking he's just trying to quiz me and is, therefore, being douchey, but he says he's not and that lately I've acted like he's being a dick when he was just trying to be nice and make conversation. I concede the point and say something along the lines of you're right. I've been too defensive lately. I won't assume you're being a dick from now on.
The next day I text him a lot and he barely responds. I texted him about how we should see a movie. Then I texted him about how we should go to dinner that night. And he was all, I'm still at work. Wednesday is my long, busy day and I responded, well, we should have dinner when you get off work. He doesn't respond. Eventually, he responds and says he's having dinner with [Mark], but we could see a movie Thursday if I am interested. I say that I am.
During our "Chekhov" texts I say something and he says something like "Gender roles! Fascinating!" and I ask him to explain and he says he will tomorrow. He always does this, leaves me hanging. It's annoying as fuck. On Wednesday then, I ask him to explain and he says, "Men should chase. If women pursue it's a turn off. Signalling interest is good. Hounding and pursuing not so much."
To which I reply, "Yeah. I need to get that rule down. My problem is I try too hard when I like someone. And the people I approach more casually really like me but I'm probably less interested. Case in point, today I get ignored by you and yesterday you make small talk when I don't text. But what I most don't understand about you is you could've dropped me a million times and I practically gave you an out especially because you don't seem to value my company or think we'll make good friends but you haven't dropped me. I mean I like your company. You make me laugh but I'm not sure what I bring but excessive messaging. You aren't even using the free sex option. :) But I think if you get to know the toned down me you'll like me. I'm a good friend. Lots of people like me. And I'll stop messaging you so much."
Then HE says, "I think you have potential, just a bit of drama there and a little overwhelming and ADD. I figure that when you feel more established here, you'll relax. I like things about you, so why not be patient."
And now I wonder what the fuck that means.
Was I being gaslit?
Thursday, 3 November 2011, 6.53pm
So, this afternoon I texted "Potential for what? And be patient for what?" and he said, "New rule. When you think you want to text me multiple questions, pause and text another friend instead."
I replied, "Ouch! That was two questions and only one text today. At midday no less. And it was in response to something you said. It thought it would be ok to ask. Guess I was wrong. Apologies all 'round. Are you trying to educate me on being gender appropriate because these rules are lame."
Friday, 4 November 2011, 1.13am
Subject line: Message to Dr P
Guessing I texted this mess!
I apologise for annoying you at work, but I really didn't text you excessively today and I think you were unnecessarily rude to me. It was one text. A nicer way to handle the situation would probably be to say, "Please don't text before 8 pm" or something like that. Also, granted it was a different situation, but a month and a half ago you wouldn't have gotten upset with me for texting you during your working hours; you used to text me all day long and I wondered often how you had the time. It's only in this new situation – this friendship of sorts – that I seemingly bother you. And, anyway, what is this? I can text my other friends and expect them not to get frustrated with me for contacting them. I assume you're my 'friend' yet you get upset.
Rolls eyes.
Then last night you send me the baffling text about "potential." Friend potential? You like "things about" me? "Be patient"? I mean, I don't give you friend stipulations. That's kinda like saying, "Elaine, when you get your shit together we can be friends." or "Elaine, you just need to change yourself a little to be friends with me." I'm not trying to win your approval. I've been unabashedly myself – to your dismay – this whole time.
But I was trying to win his approval but totally going about it the wrong way. I mean when someone is this neurotic (i.e. past me) do you tell them to ‘be yourself’ and the right person will come along or just to chill the fuck out?
Yes, I'm often accused of being too honest, too open, too receptive, and a tad too enthusiastic to new people when I like them. I've even had old people I've dated say something along the lines of "you're too hot to be so available all the time. Stop being so damn available. It's unattractive."
Yep! My first kiss said that gem of a line to me – after we used to hook up.
And I realise this, but I think, if I think of someone and want to talk to them, I do. If they text me, I'm not going to pretend that I don't have my phone on me all the time – I do – so I respond. Point being, if you like some things about me enough to hang out, then let's hang out. Don't tell me I have to change my personality for you. I have friends who like me just as I am and celebrate my quirkiness and enthusiasm because it brightens their day, not overwhelms them. I accept you as you are and, if you can't do the same, so be it.
And all I wanted to do was see a movie with you, geez.
When did things fully end?
I’m not sure when we officially stopped hooking up or when our last time was but I know that I’d hooked up with him the week of my first date with Captain Thor. But then I didn’t sleep with him again as I pursued what I thought would be a potential relationship with Captain Thor.
However, we did meet up occasionally for sneaky lunches at the Korean BBQ haunt he’d introduced me to in the “dodgy” party of town. The food there was amazing. We’d text occasionally, too. But we didn’t have sex again until I broke up with Captain Thor (in September 2012, a full year after I’d met Dr P).
But it wouldn’t be the end of Dr P just yet. He’d crop up early the next year when I was dating my first husband.
12 February 2013
I messaged Dr P probably out of the blue. Probably to gloat about how I had now met the right person who was into me and I was happy.
Dr P,
Happy to see you have a girlfriend – and Facebook official at that. I hope you have found happiness at last.
Best wishes,
Elaine
One month later…
11 March 2013, 6.40pm
He replied:
I just saw this. How's it going? I have my doubts about this lasting but ah well, that's how it goes.
11 March 2013, 7.54pm
Hello!
Things are actually going really well outside of the non-existent career bit. I've been seeing someone for a few months now (same one as before), and it's quite serious.His name is [Benoit], but everyone calls him [Ben].
I’ve decided Benoit will be a good nickname for my first husband!
We've been talking about marriage and everything. I'm moving with him to Germany in September. It'll be great to be close to my family, and be able to tick off places on my extensive "must travel" list. Another
Army guy, but this one has a Master's in Engineering from Penn State. He's originally from Lebanon, thirty two years old, and he treats me like gold. He's still not into literature though. He does read, though, but he doesn't share my penchant for analysis of everything.
He just bought a house – we're moving in today, actually – for an investment property, and when he rang me to tell me he got it, he said, "We just bought a house!" Things are just easy and we get along really well. He's very close with his family, and I've met his sisters, their husbands, the nieces and nephews, family friends, friends and the lot and they are all really lovely and welcoming. I'm really, truly genuinely happy this time. I think you once told me that on your second date with your wife, you knew you wanted to be with her, and I have finally found that click, too.
You really did help me a lot – with your friendship and advise – and I do appreciate that. I just wish I'd realized how miserable I was with the last one; you could see it, but I apparently didn't want to. It was such a waste of time, and that time could have been much more pleasantly spent having a fling with you.
I guess on our lunches he could see that Captain Thor didn’t make me happy but you can read about that whole saga if you wish starting here.
I think I once told you that when you contacted me in January (a whole year ago when I was visiting England for Xmas) – I'd newly been seeing [Captain Thor] – and I was ready to pack it in for a fling with you. That should have been a big indicator for me then (or maybe it was the whole cat-nip effect that I wanted?), but it wasn't. Anyway...
I'm sorry about the way I blew you off, but I was honest and open with the new guy about everything – past flings and the like – and it was pretty much throw away a potential serious relationship or see you. I probably should have left out the whole "Top 2" detail. And as much as I am the type of girl that would have so desperately wanted a last firework show with you, I suppose things have worked out for the best. But in a perfect alternate universe that would've happened.
I'm sorry to hear about the new one. :( I'd hoped you'd found your match, especially since it's the first FB Official one I have seen.
How's life for you? Still busy? And when do you plan to move back to Florida?
Best wishes,
Elaine
When I ‘blew him off’ (not the hot kind)
I think we may have texted and that was it. But the whole ‘blew you off’ comment was he was coming to Carrollton again to do a moonlighting shift and he wanted me to stay in the hotel with him for the weekend. After the whole situation with the Air Force Guy (AFG), I didn’t want to risk another fling that would put the current relationship (with my first husband, Benoit) in jeopardy. Was the fact that I truly wasn’t ready to settle down just yet a red flag in hindsight? Or did all the people from my past come out of the woodwork precisely because I was settling down?
I think I made the right call but since the sex with Dr P had been amazing, part of me had really wanted that hedonistic rush. Dr P as was his annoying habit left me with a cliffhanger that was never solved.
He said something along the lines of he’d figured out something about me, about us, and he was going to share it that weekend when I went to stay with him. Since I didn’t go, I never did find out.
My first husband, maybe understandably given my long and extensive flirting history, wanted me to cut off all contact with people in the past (that was a little controlling but that’s a realisation to discuss another day). I made the right choice, though. Doctor would have been another endless cycle of unhappiness. I think the one thing about me was I always did learn from every experience.
The pivotal men thus far
As I said in my previous post, Hot Jewish Doctor was one of those pivotal people for me that I remember. Others have been my first date, my first kiss (the revisited grad school part when we used to hook up), high school sweetheart (because of the whole losing my virginity to him and the emotional rollercoaster of our journey), the air traffic controller (all the imagination and magic that interaction seemed to promise before things fizzled out like a spent firework), the red haired sex god (because he was a lovely person and so much fun, with a sadness behind is eyes), and the married professor (the illicit and seedy nature of the whole thing but also the excitement and sneaking around). Those are people who stand out as significant when I think of the people who shaped my sexual and dating life.
The last time we had sex
The last time I had sex with the Hot Jewish Doctor, he was packing up his apartment. It was just before I met my first husband and after I’d ended things in New York with Captain Thor. Dr P asked me to bring my duvet over to lie on the floor. I shoved my duvet and pillows into my distinctive (distinctively crap) Mustang. I laid the blanket on the floor where the super king master bed used to be, the bed full of memories (for me at least), and we had basic missionary that was so full of grinding and longing that we were both dripping with sweat at the end. We lay there and talked for however long and I packed up my comforter and probably went home.
In many ways, I ruined things by being over-analytical. When he just ‘lived in the moment,’ I spent more moments thinking of all that every word he said ‘meant’ – and sometimes things just aren’t that deep. People make throwaway statements and you’re never going to ‘catch a boyfriend’ by being so full-on and so anxious that you become actively unpleasant to be around. Obviously, I hadn’t learned that lesson by Captain Thor either, but I’d calmed down by the time I met my first husband but I think that was mostly because he was also ready to fall in love – and as such he was predisposed to find me charming instead of problematic. As always, more on that in another chapter.
What became of the Hot Jewish Doctor?
Dr P and I didn’t stay in touch. He did marry a busty Hispanic nurse who had a daughter. In their wedding photos or in a video of it (I recall from years ago), he promised his stepdaughter that he’d also take care of her which was sweet and touching. His new wife blocked me from his FB, though, so I am no longer FB friends with him.
My past social media stalking came in handy, though, as I found his Instagram and it’s all pictures of comics and a few of his wife holding comics with Spiderman socks and a low-cut outfit on so I guess she fully embraced his hobbies to become his ultimate dream girl.
Her Instagram reveals that they may have had a second daughter together. I’m not sure if it was her daughter or their daughter but one of them ended up with learning difficulties like ADHD (gasp) and they have a lawsuit out against the school which they seem to have been fighting for years and going on outlets like Fox News about it. They pulled her from public school to have her privately educated. They seem to be suing the school because the school didn’t provide the resources needed to meet her learning needs during the pandemic. Not sure if they are being Karens or have a case… I can’t tell if they had two daughters together (because I don’t know how old the daughter was when they married or how old the girls look now) and she has the older child – or if they just have one joint biological child and the second daughter together.
Dr P looks like the gym wasn’t as important in his later life (totally fine – we all get there) so his looks have faded but he seems happy. He got the life he was looking for back then. Like everyone I’ve dated, significant or not to me, I wish everyone happiness in the universe (despite my snarky comments). I do hope he’s happy and the fact they are still together makes me think he did finally find his peace at least.
Also, he seems to have a YouTube channel about comic book collections, which I found too boring to watch. He still lives in Florida and is part of a urology practice at a medical centre – I saw the promo video he did about it but in that, he was looking more like I remembered him and less like the ‘heavier’ version – but to be fair to him, he will probably be close to fifty by now.
Up next!
Next up, you know what I just ran across? The Hot Jewish Doctor’s Dating Profile that I took the time to save…It’s pure gold. I’ll save that bonus material for my paid subs. Plus some of the emails I sent him that I didn’t share in previous posts.
I think my problem back then was I wanted to live ten lives at once. I genuinely loved and was fascinated by people – all people, men and women (and still am) – and I was also pleasure-seeking and hedonistic back then and I wanted it all. I wanted to experience all life had to offer all at once, which left me feeling torn between wanting to settle down (what society told me to do) and desiring to live fully and be free (what part of me wanted to do).
The next post for free subscribers will be about ‘the kind Captain’ whom I’ll call ‘Captain Bookworm’ for reasons you may guess.
Thanks for reading!
Don’t forget to check out the other sixty posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place – and the odd “present day snippet” of what I’m up to lately.
What are important lessons you learned from your dating mistakes? Have you evolved in the last decade or so – for the better?
P.S. Remember on our second date we went to painting class? Well, I found the version of the painting I did and have since parted company with.
