#32 THE ENDING OF THINGS WITH PATRICK BATEMAN, THE FSU FILM STUDENT, PART ONE
#32 THE ENDING OF THINGS WITH PATRICK BATEMAN, THE FSU FILM STUDENT, PART ONE
Facebook versus reality strikes again – that time my guy best friend Chester was my agony aunt
Remember Patrick Bateman who I’ve been discussing for four posts now because our fiveish continuous days together gave me plenty of material to rant to myself about in my email – and all my close friends?
If you want to read the previous four posts, check them out: how I thought he fit my checklist (spoiler: he didn’t), our first date (and first sex), the vegan cafe (and musings), and my pathetic attempts at getting his attention here.
To recap, I went to see him in late July and then sent him a bunch of texts (as evinced in the bonus material) and then we made plans for him to come visit my uni house in Valdosta, Georgia in early August.
I prepared to cook for him, take him to Wild Adventures (see more description of this place featured in the film Zombieland in the post on Bramwell here) where we saw a tiger show and fed the giraffes. I watched him go on rollercoasters and saw him check out and comment on a hot girl in a bikini (made me feel great, obvi).
Let’s just say our days together didn’t go as planned and I was trying hard to make it work even though it wasn’t. We didn’t even have a repeat of the amazing sex we had been having (minus the whole finger thing). And then I went into my bathroom one morning and realised he’d cleared away all his stuff so I knew he was going to leave, which he seemed surprised that I was calm about it, knew he was leaving, and handed him the rest of the case Diet Dr Peppers I’d bought for his stay (which was stupid). I should have drunk them. And he acted like my giving him a bunch of stuff was generous. The whole thing stung but I was way over it. He made me feel so utterly boring.
I should have followed Oscar Wilde’s advice, “Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.” But replace “love” with “fuck.”
Then, I went to Jax Beach to see my uncle and saw Charles who had rented a hotel on the beach to make me feel better.
The whole story is, perhaps, better told through my exchange with my best guy friend, Chester, who, prior to PB’s visit, spent practically two days with me helping me get my room tidied. He hung some pictures for me, helped me move my bed and rearrange furniture, hung up my whiteboard that I used to keep in my office on campus and was just generally an amazing friend who also was there to pick up the pieces when things inevitably didn’t work out, and he mostly refrained from saying I told you so.
I wrote: His place was so clean that I wanted my place to be so clean and I’m not exactly the tidiest person ever, so it took lots of work and with my penchant for procrastination I didn’t start until almost too late, which meant I was up night after night cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. I didn’t go out on Friday or Saturday night to party. I caught a movie with my friend on Friday night, The Change Up, which I loved, but I went home to clean.
Lame!
I’d also like to add that Chester was a tall, handsome, muscular, gym-body friend who was swooned over by many, many girls. But I loved him for his intelligence and friendship. He was, and still is, one of my most beloved friends.
Elaine: No idea what? Yeah, I'm feeling okay. It's his loss. He treated me like I was very boring and, well, I don't think I am. I think he was dull.
I’m not sure I felt that way but I was trying.
Chester: Good. That's the way you should look at it.
Elaine: He wasn't interested in getting to know me. I learned that on date one, really. I just wouldn't admit it to myself. I told you I shouldn't date overly goodlooking guys. They don't develop personalities. On date one, he just talked about himself whilst I asked questions and he never once asked me about myself and I listened attentively and you always ask me about me. We have free flowing discourse and you care what I do and you remember things and he did not and didn't care to know.
Also, Chester was a good friend and I was the self-centred arsehole who didn’t ask him enough about himself. And I’ve only gotten ever so slightly better at this in our messages.
Chester: First, he's not overly good looking. He has a huge nose. Second, why did you agree to date two if you already felt that way? Why did you continuously gush about him, and how amazing he was? And you already know the reason we're different.
The next day…not sure what happened in between or that it was ridiculous o’clock and we both fell asleep and these were the days when Facebook chat was on an actual computer. I remember thinking back then that I’d never ever want to use FB on a smartphone pah. (Not that I had one to use it on.)
Chester: He wasn't that good looking (for some reason you can't see that huge nose)... and he didn't have a personality, just because HE was lame. And if you knew he was boring and self centred on date one, why was there a date two? …And my internet and cable went out for a few hours last night, so I'm sorry I wasn't able to read and respond last night before you went out.
To be fair, from some angles PB looked a bit model-like romanesque and others, yes, yes, he did have a big bird nose. And Chester asked very logical questions to which I probably didn’t have answers at the time because I was obsessed with people looking the part and being part of my checklist and having the qualities that I thought were good qualities, even if the whole system was total bullshit.
Elaine: I'm sleepy. What time did you go to sleep?
A few weeks ago, my therapist, Lorraine, asked did I know that I deflected questions when I didn’t want to talk about something? I didn't know I did that. I thought I was quite direct. She said she only knew because years before she was a therapist her therapist had told her she was a master at deflection and a less trained therapist wouldn’t have picked up on these swerving tactics. She’d asked me to do something for “homework” and I apparently dismissed it and said I was super busy.
Chester and I talked for a while about police riots in England and Chester remarked that he went to McDonald’s for breakfast at 4 am and it was strange to read about English police brutality because he thought it only existed in the US. Also, I guess I watched and listened to news back then and now only Michael listens to and watches 5,000 hours of news per week and I read the odd bit on The Times, The New York Times (mostly for the Modern Love column), and The Guardian but mostly I bury my head in the sand. (And also I have to edit chems news at work so by the time I finish for the day, I’ve well and truly had enough.)
Chester: Why were you up until 5am, and are you feeling better today?
Elaine: I’m not necessarily feeling better. I'm kinda feeling the stinging pain of it but I need to control that. I didn't really like him but rejection is difficult.
Chester: You liked some parts of him as I'm sure he liked some parts of you.
Elaine: Didn't seem that way. I guess there were some parts I liked but maybe it wasn't really him at all – the idea of him was better.
Chester: He wouldn't have come if he didn't like anything about you.
Elaine: Yeah, but basically he said he was too busy to realise we weren’t compatible when I stayed with him and when distractions were taken away, he realised that we didn't click as we should and he spent most of the weekend playing internet games. Super lame. Oh well.
Chester: And I'm guessing he didn't really live up to the idea…and what does "as we should” mean? I think it takes some effort to click.
Elaine: Yeah. Idk. He just said we didn't click as he felt we should and I agree. It wasn't easy. We didn't like the same things. I couldn't be myself around him. He didn't find me funny or charming or interesting. I called him out on how he had such strong opinions on everything and his reaction to stuff he didn’t like made the person feel almost as if they should apologise for differing.
Chester: …and if he didn't put in effort, that's on him.
Elaine: Yeah. He was very selfish and unthoughtful. Didn’t offer to do dishes.
Chester: It shouldn't take a lot of effort…but SOME effort is needed. And why would he play internet games? He only had a limited amount of time with you…take advantage of the time, even if you don't click, to learn about a new person. So he was a dick? Only seeing his side of any debate? What reactions did he have?
Elaine: Barely kept me company in the kitchen.
Chester: And what did you not agree about?
Elaine: It was mundane stuff. Like foods. We were having a mundane convo about those wheat thin buns for burgers. I said I liked them and he has some vendetta against health foods because he likes being a controversial dick, apparently and he was like "gahh, they're so terrible" or something like that and I just laughed and said how he has overly strong opinions on things that don't really matter and that I think he spends more time arguing about how people should eat trans fat and corn syrup than those people who choose not to eat those things would spend arguing with him.
I was one of those people who tried to avoid trans fat and corn syrup but give me all the butter!
Chester: Hahaha…so he’s a fatty on the inside. Well, I guess you learned more about trans fat and corn syrup than you planned this weekend. Silver lining.
Elaine: No, it's not like he had the science behind them. He didn't know what they did to your body. He just hates having people say what you can't eat and he goes the opposite direction. He said that people who don't exercise and eat health foods should be super thin if that food is better for you and blah blah blah. He was really shallow and obvs against fat ppl and adamantly against hippies.
Chester: Now I would agree that just because something isn't important to you, It may be important to someone else. An argument with nothing to back it up? That's lame, and does he exercise? Because he seems to know nothing about nutrition? And how can you not like hippies? Hippies rock!
Elaine: Well, he used to be a big workout guy, but it doesn't seem so anymore. His opinions were clearly superior to anyone else's. He didn't even try and learn about what I had to say. Didn't seem to be considering or open to new ideas. He's good at arguing in general. Like, he said you have to think of the opposition's strongest point and attack it. He asked my opinion on raw food diets for fodder against the raw foodies and I just told him that certain cooking and canning processes alllowed our bodies to absorb the nutrients better than if they were raw. That's about the only thing he seemed to listen to. At one point I was talking about this footage I'd missed in Paris – where I thought the record was off when it was on and I'd turned the record off – and he kinda cut me off and told me to go and shower so we could go to dinner.
Chester: Hahaha…wow.
Elaine: He obvs wasn’t interested in having sex with me either. Granted, he seems to value physical perfection…
Chester: Why do you say that? ...and that was just rude on his part.
Elaine: We went to Wild Adventures and he was talking about water parks and people who shouldn’t be wearing bikinis (that's another thing is he talked about people in his past and "hot girls" he's known and blah blah) and I was like "how shallow of you." And chidingly, "we can't all have perfect physiques" and he said that he didn't claim to have one and something else.
Chester: And I can't believe you let him be rude. Most guys you would have started to ignore THEM. And what is physical perfection in his opinion? …And rude again, he doesn't know you that well yet, why would he bring up other women?
Elaine: Well, because he obvs wasn’t all that interested.
Chester: Did you get on a roller coaster?
Elaine: And I made my family recipe [my Great Grandmother Eva’s WWII-time] chocolate cake. And I was like, “How much do you want?” And he says “only a little in case it’s terrible and I won’t have to suffer through it.” And he wasn’t fucking kidding. But then he had several helpings. Super rude. No, I just went on the little “Go bananas” one. But I let him go on the others alone. And then he got queasy feeling and was miserable and then kinda insulted my driving.
“Go bananas” is a rollercoaster for literal children. I’m a wimp when it comes to scary rides.
Chester: He didn't try to coerce you into getting on the rides with him? ...and congrats on getting on the Bananas one. Baby steps. Wow, he sounds unbearable. How did you put up with HIM all weekend?
Elaine: And I told him I didn't like racist jokes and he told me one and then we didn't find the same things funny. He thought these videos of this guy who pretend farts in public places was hilarious and it was okay funny but not smart humour and not subtle and we talked about books – and at one point he just sorta said "well, you're obviously more well read than me" and gave up on it. Oh and he really loved playing those damn flash games - he did it at his place too. He said I had an "impressive book collection." Never once complimented me. When I was staying at his, he once held my face and said, "You look great" but that was about it.
Chester: Hahaha…so if he’s not good at something, he quits? He probably should have said, “I need to read more.” Flash games means he's too cheap to buy real games. You do look great but maybe he compliments no one.
Chester is a serious video gamer and sometimes even features on these gaming TV shows giving his opinions and things. Also, he loves Marvel and DC comics. He is obsessed with all things like that.
Elaine: He's a SELF-PROCLAIMED narcissist. That sums him up.
Chester: So don't put it not working on you.
Elaine: He apparently writes and directs and I told him about my writing process and he couldn’t comment on his.
Chester: He obviously has issues.
Elaine: He did admit that his first film was awful and he felt bad about that but he got complimented on this film he did recently. He said you know ppl like something if they go out of their way to tell you they liked it and blah blah. Yeah, did I tell you that I was standing in the bathroom when he was taking these pills and he said this is the medicine I have to take every day and I was like, “You don't mind my asking what's it for?” And he said…BIPOLAR DISORDER and his eyes were cold and he obvs never thought of anything. I'd ask him what he was thinking and he said he was just blanking or he'd be thinking something lame. Oh and he talked to me about this book he read, How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You and he relayed the psychology of getting men and women to fall in love and I'd heard of the biological/psychological factors before and I casually said, "so you're a collector of people" and he just brushed it off and said he wasn't a collector.
I was totally a collector of people. I was always fascinated with people and learning about them. And reading this back, I’m all like omg you cannot make this shit up and why the fuck did I stay. Why did I keep trying to impress him and make this work? I also didn’t know that much about bipolar disorder at the time. But also if people say they are narcissistic this is never a good sign. Run!
Also, young people, if you can learn more than I ever did, is A) communicate and B) just be yourself with someone. If you cannot be yourself, then don’t be with someone. I mean if “being yourself” is someone who likes to wipe bogeys on the walls, tone it down (also I absolutely hate snot and spit so even writing the word bogey is grossing me out). But, like, if you have loads of really gross or weird habits, maybe tone that down but the essential essence of your personality – you should be able to be you.
Gross side note: both Michael and I have childhood bogey stories that are totally disgustingly gross and Michael can gross me out with two words of his story: “bogey hole.” And both our parents made us clean up said bogey disasters. Blech! So we are just two total weirdos who found each other’s weirdness okay…as long as M never says the “B-word” to me (which he does quite a lot to taunt me).
Chester: Hahaha…what did you think of the info? You're both collectors then.
Elaine: I'm a collector with a heart and the way to get men was to learn about sports and politics. I read the Amazon reviews of the book and it was basically good tips to fake a personality, to make you universally appealing, but deceptive. Do you want someone to love you for who you are not?
Chester: Yeah, that makes it soooo different, but what if the guy knows nothing about sports and/or politics? ...and no, I always want to love and be loved as me.
Elaine: Ew, and he burped in front of me ALL the time. And at one point he said, “Let me know if my bodily functions are offensive to you.” He said he lived alone and he was used to doing that. I said it wasn't particularly "offensive" because "offensive" isn't the word I would use, but in my head I thought it was impolite and disgusting.
Then he went on some rant about how both men and women should know how to cook. And a woman knowing how to cook the basics was essential. But, then again, he only liked food cooked the way he did it. And his mum's cooking was superior to anyone else's cooking in the entire world.
Chester: If all of these things happened in Tallahassee, why are you so smitten with him?
Elaine: No, this is a combo of this time and that. I was really giving him a second chance. I knew all these things. When I came back, I didn't think he was all that interested in me and didn't think I'd see him again, though I don't know why I cared.
I told him that at one point and instead of saying, “I didn't mean to give YOU mixed signals,” he said, "I wonder if I give everyone such mixed signals" and I was like “me specifically or people in general” and “he said people in general.” I kinda gradually figured he wasn't into me then.
Red flag central. Again, He’s Just Not That Into You circa 2009. But more importantly, as with the whole Dorian thing, why? Why was I such a glutton for punishment and such a dick?
Chester: Because he didn't seem interested in you, probably made you want him more psychologically.
Elaine: Maybe it hurt my pride. I'm used to ppl acting like I'm interesting and he acted like I was Miss Dull 2011.
Chester: Since you're a collector, you often want what you deem "hard to get." (Comp about to die.)
And that was it for Chester’s wisdom. I mean he absolutely got tired of me and my dating disasters because he could see from the outside – and he had known me since I was dating HSS when I was a uni freshman.
I asked Michael if he wanted to see a picture of PB and he said, “Am I going to be frightened by his nose.” And then he said, “Chester was right about his nose. How could you not see his nose?” I showed him a picture from far away and said, “Well, it wasn’t as bad from far away” to which he replied, “...and did you have sex with him from that far away?” Lols.
Next up, the exchange I had on this version of events with my housemate and grad school bestie (before the word “bestie” was a thing), Brittany. I mean I sounded like I’d healed and learned but really I hadn’t.
Don’t forget to check out the other thirty-one posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place.
Have you ever wanted to make it work because someone seemed good on paper or they looked the part? I mean this is an all-too-common theme for past me!