BONUS MATERIAL: THE LONG MESSAGE EXCHANGE WITH PATRICK BATEMAN, THE FSU FILM STUDENT

Our early nonchalant message exchange: why did we even bother? We were clearly priority number five hundred and twenty-eight to each other…

TL:DR: We exchanged several messages over random times and seemed to forget about each other in between. If you’re brave/bored, you can see what we said to each other and my commentary a little after the time…

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Back in August 2011, I wrote this little number (things had already fizzled then) to myself (in my email, of course).

Backstory on RHSG

I met a guy at a party when I wasn’t feeling particularly spirited. I’m usually what my friends call “a social butterfly” and someone whose “batteries recharge” around people. I love people. I love talking to people, learning about people, watching people (not always in the creepy sense), and in general peopling people (okay, so this one doesn’t make sense, but I needed to make my sentence parallel in structure and it seemed appropriate to add one more item; forgive my English-major-y-ness). Back on point. I’d recently been dumped by a boyfriend (we’ll call him LTBF #2 – long-term boyfriend number two – because I’ll be writing about him soon). I really liked LTBF #2, but you may think me a sadist when I get to the story and wonder why I would have possibly liked LTBF #2, but well, I make my own mistakes. And learn from them. 

Obviously, in my over-a-decade later retelling he is called, the Stella Adler Academy Actor (AKA Dorian) and not LTBF #2. Which do you think is more catchy? But I still kept the Red-Haired Sex God moniker for Bramwell.

In December, I’d experienced my first bout of depression. Prior to this moment I’d felt as if I would never ever understand this mysterious condition called “depression.” Why did people just feel sad about things when life was so amazing and fun and exciting and beautiful? 

So, to recap: I was dumped. I was depressed in December which had made me lie in bed for inordinate amounts of time without eating much (I’m usually a ravenous eater, so this was unusual and worrisome for my friends). Then, I go to this party – a party at a close friend’s house – and meet this guy who insists on talking to me practically all night. 

The close friend being Theo (AKA the guy who now works for a huge tech co).

At first, I wasn’t into him. But the more I listened to his stories of being in the Army (also, I usually don’t date military men), the more intriguing I found him, despite the fact that he clearly wasn’t my usual “type.” 

In that post on Bramwell, I said I hadn’t been around a lot of military men but my Uncle Paul, my father, and my Grandfather Mike (who also went to Sandhurst) were all in the British Army but I think that’s a distinctly different personality type than US Army/Marine/Navy/Airforce men.

I normally I go for the tall, dark, and handsome type with specifically more literary intelligence, but this guy was tall with red hair and a cute, friendly face with a crinkling smile in his green eyes and a big grin, but not especially handsome upon first glance, at least not traditionally handsome. I gave him my number. I wasn’t sure if I’d contact him again, but I gave it to him anyway. I programmed his number in my phone – incorrectly, but I didn’t know that at the time. Anyway, he’ll become an entry all to himself, but I figured I need this back story (look out for a future entry entitled Red-Haired Sex God).

See, I was born to write this Substack and this story has clearly been ruminating in my mind for over a decade. I didn’t even think I was more succinct back then but in a paragraph, I’ve summed up Bramwell, Theo, and Dorian already. 

Basically, RHSG and I began dating from January onward and I fell into a deep infatuation and admiration for him. A ridiculously infatuated state. As in I’ve never been so infatuated with someone and it made me seem powerless and out of control and slightly ridiculous. When things finally fizzled with RHSG (not by any choice of mine, but simply because he’s what we call “emotionally unavailable by choice”), I had to figure out how to get over him. 

It was May. I’d spent the better part of five months getting to know RHSG and now he was off in China and I knew that even if he did think of me on his trip, he’d purposely push me from his mind. He liked me “too much” as he said, but he didn’t want to and he did all in his power to distract himself from liking me. Eventually, after innumerable very, very pathetic displays at garnering his attention I ended things. Via text. I basically told him that he knew I liked him. He’d never want me as his girlfriend. Despite the fact he was amazing in bed (hence the nickname), I’d had more frequent and reliable fuck buddies and I was wasting my time. I signed off with an “I’m out.” Did I want to send this text? No. Hell no. I loved being around him. I loved having sex with him, but I also loved the thought at having my dignity back.

But this entry isn’t about RHSG, it’s about someone else.

I think I borrowed that last bit from these notes in my post about Bramwell in the entry on how I went full-blown hot-crazy scale.

And now the post I wrote about thirteen years ago about the guy I’ll call Patrick Bateman because who better to tell you than the person it happened to…I am very distinct from past me now…

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So here it began…with some messages.

Patrick Bateman: 5 May 2011, 2.16pm

Well, what I mean is that I don't like doing typical tourist stuff. If I'm going to go to a place, I'd like to live there for awhile. Also, my dad was in the military, so we moved around a lot overseas when I was young. Yes, I did have a bad experience in Spain about 5 years ago. I was there for a few months, and things got really bad with our host family. The film I'm shooting this summer is a comedy, and I'm not quite sure yet about which direction I want to go.

What about you? Have you read the Tenant of Wildfell Hall? I think that a lot of the Bronte sisters' stories are about the real price of true love. Guess what? They were talking about Jane Eyre on Diane Rheem last week, and I called into the show and got through!

I hadn’t finished reading Tenant, so I dodged the question. I’m good at bullshitting conversations, maybe making it seem as if I know more than I do, so this is how I responded:

Elaine: 5 May 2011, 5.11pm

That's really cool about calling through. Funnily enough, I'm writing my last grad school paper on Anne Bronte's Agnes Grey. It's due either tonight (early due date) or by the latest tomorrow, so I'm trying to get through it. I'm writing about Agnes Grey as a sort of bildungsroman by extending a couple of critic's interpretation of it, but I'm also concluding that it's a sort of story from uselessness to ability and that that distinction allows Agnes to gain a happy husband (love) when Rosalie ends up miserable (marrying for money and status). I'm sure you don't miss these types of papers.

I also like to travel when I can live with locals, but I usually just visit the friends I've acquired from all over the world.

Did you write your comedy and are you planning on directing it?

Alright, so now I test his English-major-ness. Can he follow my interpretation? Maybe I’ve delved into the travelling issue. Bad experience. More to come later. Now more questions about him.

Patrick Bateman: 6 May 2011, 8.51pm

I wrote it and will be directing it. Friends you've acquired from all over the world, huh? That's sooooooo impressive. :) I haven't read Agnes Gray, but your take on it makes sense. I thought her other book was about how individuality, independence, and intelligence, especially with women at the time, meant a life of loneliness and marginalization. Who knows, though? I don't necessarily miss the papers, but I do miss the in-depth discussions. Were you able to finish your paper? I'm going to Biloxi tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes; I usually go about three or four times a year. Typical question: what makes a good date for you?

2023 me here: Friends from around the world at this point only consisted of my friend in Paris, Nasim, who had been a foreign exchange student at my high school and I visited him one summer with his charming mother and brother, Karim, so I was being totally hyperbolic to sound more impressive, even though exaggerating/lying wasn’t usually a quality of mine.

Alright, so this is the first question he asks about me. It’s a stock question and I hate stock questions, but whatever. He can also use the word “marginalized.” His interpretation isn’t brilliant or new, but neither was my take on Agnes Grey, so I go with it. Also, I reflect that once I’m finished with graduate school classes then I’d probably miss the in-depth discussion. Okay, so why would he think that my friends “acquired around the world” is impressive when he hates travelling? I’d later find out that he hated talking about travelling unless it was him talking about his experiences.

Elaine: 9 May 2011, 5.56pm

Yes, any woman who broke from the "norm" of perfect, little Angel in the House met with a marginalized status. That's kinda what my thesis is about. Well, about women who break the Angel in the House mold. At least somewhat break with it – only to return to it.

I'd be sad to think I could never have such interesting conversations about literature. People who haven't studied literature definitely don't talk about books in the same way.

2023 me here: I mean now I barely understand my past sense and approximately (almost) zero of my master’s thesis as I’m so far removed from this discourse community. I do miss the in-depth literary discussions but I’m also just tired and over any level of pretentiousness. I love a light rom-com these days. It doesn’t have to be that deep (although I’ll have you know many a rom-com author can discuss deep topics.)

I did indeed finish my paper.

Why do you travel to Biloxi so often?

What makes a good date? Well, a good date is one in which I can feel comfortable with a person and have interesting, intelligent conversation combined with interesting and perhaps silly banter, with flirting added for good measure. I think you can tell when you just click with someone conversationally. I wouldn't like to pin any factors down. I want to feel comfortable and to have a nice time doing anything we do be it dinner and a movie, walking along the beach, going to a park, bowling, mini-golf, anything. What makes a good date for you?

It is and it isn't interesting. I love the subject matter (of course), but when you've studied something for 6 years, you get pretty exhausted. Or maybe I'm just being a jaded grad student. Either way, I've finished all of my class-classes in Grad School and all I have left to write and defend my thesis by June 1st.

This past weekend was absolutely exhausting – some parts good and others not so awesome. I was up until 6 am this morning finishing my grading. Grades were due at 9 am. I procrastinate as much (if not worse) than my students; the difference might lie in the fact that I know my abilities and, therefore, always get it done.

I did enjoy my Friday night. I went partying and celebrating the end of the semester classes with friends. Saturday I went to spend the night with my mum. My cousin came over from England so I saw her on Sunday and I had so much fun – she's delightful – which was why I had to pull an all-nighter on the end-of-the-semester grading.

I maintained my 4.0 through Grad School, so now I only have to complete my thesis. I'm not feeling hopeful. I just want it to be over with.

How was your weekend?

Okay, so my thesis did not get finished by 1 June and I was needlessly dropping my GPA in conversation; it was a stressful time. And he never answered what he wanted in a date. Lame.

Elaine: 9 May 2011, 6.11pm

Read this article if you have time. I thought you'd appreciate the sentiment: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dont-date-a-girl-who-reads/ 

It's simultaneously tragic and amusing. It walks the reader through the scenario of a man who dates a girl who isn't all that smart and the tragedy that is his life versus if he dated an intelligent woman.

So, I ran across this article and I liked it at the time. Not so much in hindsight, but it resonated with me at the time. I mostly thought of RHSG when I read it and sent it to him immediately. See, I was still hung up on him, but oh well. I was trying to move on.

Patrick Bateman: 19 May 2011, 12.50am

Thanks for sending me that article- I enjoyed it. Sorry I've been out of contact for a little while. Our summer production cycle has started, and its [sic] been crazy busy. Lots of 14 hour days. Producing is a lot of work, and we'll actually be filming in Cairo, GA this weekend at the old jail there. How have you been. We seem to have a lot in common. perhaps we can meet up sometime in the near future.

Take care,

PB

Ha! Typos! And lack of punctuation in this message. Okay, so I'm guilty of these too. In fact, this blog is probably full of typos, but a paragraph of text is easy to edit.  “A lot in common”? We talked about one interpretation of a novel. And we’ve known about each other for about 14 days. Fourteen. (I had to do maths for this one. With fingers.) Not great odds. All I know about you is that you read one book, one time. Okay, but I probably wasn’t this critical at the time I received the message…

Elaine: 22 May 2011, 2.44am

The more I ponder the article, the less I like it. I did like it upon immediate inspection, but I feel it's a bit reductive in the long run. Oh well.

I understand that you are busy; I'm trying to finish up my thesis this month and, possibly, next month, so I completely understand. I assume you are in Cairo now filming or you have completed it. I hope it went well.

Yes, I'd definitely be game to meet up sometime in the future. Hopefully our schedules will clear up in the next couple of months.

Good luck with everything.

Elaine x

At this point, I really hated this article and I didn’t want him to think it was indicative of my usual thinking patterns. I also wasn’t sure if I was ready to get over RHSG since he was probably coming home from China any time soon and I’d inevitably want to see him and that would cause all sorts of mixed and weird feelings. It’s difficult to start something new and fresh when you kind of want to hold onto something in the past; I know all about this feeling. In the past, I’d ruined all sorts of relationships – potential relationships – by continuing to sleep with my past. And new people really hate that if/when they find out. It seems people really hate sharing, but I didn’t want to repeat old history. I’d intended to learn from past indiscretions.

Elaine: 1 Jun 2011, 9.39pm

I hope you are having a great week.

So, it had been a while since I’d received a message. But I’d stayed pretty busy and sort of only remembered his existence again probably because things with RHSG had been on/off again.

Elaine: 10 Jun 2011, 12.58pm

I haven't heard from you in a while. Hope things are going well. :D

Alright, so it had been nine days, but I don’t remember being worried about it in retrospect. But I’d probably give up if I didn’t get a response. Also, I was moping about the fact that RHSG didn’t seem to plan on coming to my birthday party.

Patrick Bateman: 11 Jun 2011, 11.43am

Yes, things are going well, thanks. We are in the middle of our production cycle, though, and I have been working 6 day weeks for 14 hours a day. I have time right now because I am production designing a show for next week, which means I get four days to do all the costumes and build the set. How have you been? When are we going to meet up? I could do it in the evening one of the next four days, or at the end of summer. I'm not worried, though, we'll meet up eventually. Keep me posted,

PB

Elaine: 11 Jun 2011, 3.56pm

This next week is kind of busy for me – it's my birthday week – but I will let you know. I plan on having a birthday party on Saturday night. It's a shame Valdosta is a bit of a trek for you.

I've been okay. I've been working on my thesis. I got the deadline pushed back a bit, which gave me a false sense of security and it's crunch time again. I'm working on a chapter right now.

The end of the summer might work best, but it's unfortunate I have to wait that long.

Good luck with designing, building, and costuming. Seems like a crazy task.

Take care,

Elaine x

Alright, so I guess I’d stopped asking get-to-know-you questions, too. Hmm.

Elaine: 12 Jun 2011, 5.34pm

My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX  if you want to call me at some point. Perhaps, even if we are both busy, we can talk on the phone for a bit.

2023 me here: Lols I still remember my phone number but won’t share it in case some poor soul in Georgia who has AT&T still has that number. Maybe I should randomly WhatsApp them sometime. Or not! 

I'm actually getting really tired of where I'm living. Maybe you can tell me a bit about Tallahassee and the cost of living/availability of jobs because maybe I'll just move down there. I'm trying to scope out places to live.

I’m pretty sure he didn’t respond to my ploy to move to Tallahassee. In retrospect, that sounded pretty creepy, but I was having a terrible time with my landlady and her close-to-midnight, unannounced stop-overs to bitch at me about having “overnight guests” and whatnot, so I was definitely ready to move. Anywhere. Even some place I’d not been before – like Tallahassee – except that one time when I got my green card renewed. Plus, how can you know how much it costs to live in a place if you don’t ask the locals? See, there was logic behind my madness. And, obviously, my creepiness was overlooked since he called me after this message.

He tried calling me again one night, but I had a friend over and it seemed as if we kept missing the communication boat so I called him one day and let it go to voicemail so I could hear his voice. It’s also how I garnered his surname – better for internet stalking – but, alas, there was nothing to be found but some credits to some student film he’d done that couldn’t be found on the internet – at least not the parts he was in (I found some other poorly acted part done by some other people in the same production. It probably was a good thing as I wasn’t subjected to entire terrible student film as the acting was just that bad). He also appeared to have no Facebook. And no Myspace. And his name was a bit too common for the Yellow Pages and Google images. You can find my image on “the” Google. Plus, I have a Facebook, a Myspace, a Google+, I’m listed on my university website a few times, used to be under the “faculty” page – basically, I’m very stalk-able. But I’m not sure he even bothered. That shows a lack of interest or lack of gumption, in my opinion. Praise Google! His voice seemed pretty nice if un-place-able, sort of accent-less with a tad bit of surfer in there, but deep and a touch too loud, a little distracted at times.

2023 me here: OMG! Myspace, Google+. Long dead relics of the internet. I would have loved to access all my old Myspace conversations and this one time I had an email address before my ridiculous Hotmail address (a la my Ginny Weasley with Riddle’s Diary days) that was at something like GurlMail.com. Anyone remember that? 

We had pretty decent phone conversations, but he repeated my name ad nauseam as if it would change mid-conversation and he had to be sure to hold onto it before he lost his grasp, like water trickling through his fingers. He didn’t exactly make me laugh and I mostly let him talk about film school, but I liked talking to him, nonetheless.

He usually texted before he called:

TEXT: 14 Jun 2011, 11.55pm

It’s [Patrick]. Are you up?

Of course, I was up. Despite the fact it was a Tuesday night, it was my birthday night and I partied pretty hard – with the help of friends and face-sized drinks. I went for dinner with companions, to a pub downtown (where the cute bartender gave me a birthday shot and birthday hug), and then a bar near my university for lots of drinks and karaoke (and the DJ, also a friend, gave me a few shout-outs over the mic); this was the first night of my life where I was drunk enough to participate in karaoke. It gave me a newfound respect for something I’d once viewed as a pointless ploy to get people to listen to your amazing singing or the horrors of your drunken warbling (mine's definitely the warbling kind of singing. I honestly can't sing. I don't say this to be modest. Some people say they can't sing only to discover they really can. But I can't and I know it); I now saw it is a way to have fun. I’m certain my phone had died that night. If it hadn’t died I was too drunk to find it or answer it. Although, I’m also certain I ended up in my bed. Probably with the glitter from my Candies glittery heels still stuck to my leg. In bed alone, might I add? I wasn’t overly drunk, you see.

Elaine: 15 Jun 2011, 4.55pm

Hi. Sorry about the other night. I had a friend over and we were talking and I didn't want to be rude. I tried calling back about an hour later and you didn't answer. Maybe you can call back again when you have some more time. Take care x

I’m sure it took me until almost 5 pm to recover from my hangover. And I can’t recall the time between the phone call and my apology for missing it.

So, basically, I hadn’t heard the text, the whole “are you up” one and I responded as soon as I saw it a full two days later (Jun 16) at 2:51 am (which was probably a good thing because people impose all sorts of rules about not being over-eager and blah blah). He’s not a night owl like me. I replied: “I didn’t even get your message last night. So sorry.” At 2.54 he answered with “No worries. You’re a night owl, huh? Good night. I’ll call you in a few days.” So ambiguous. A few days. Ha!

TEXT: 16 Jun, 2.56am: Yes, Night owl for sure. Prefer daytime schedule but find it difficult to stick with it. Look forward to your call. I’m having a party Saturday night so that’s probably the only bad time to call.

He’d sent this message before he received my text response in which I apologised for not answering…

Patrick Bateman: 16 Jun 2011, 2.03am

Elaine, No prob. I'll try calling you in a few days if I don't get off set too late.

This was the last message he sent via the online dating site. Again, repetition of my name. Weird.

Later that night he texted me:

16 Jun, 9.45pm: It’s Patrick. Are you free to talk?

16 Jun, 10.03pm: Elaine: Yes.

We spoke briefly and then he said he was going to shower.

16 Jun, 10.05pm, Patrick: Cool. I’ll call you in 20.

10:38pm, Elaine: I’m about to head out. Sorry. We can talk tomorrow?

10:41pm, Patrick: Sure. Like 9:30 or so?

10:46pm, Elaine: Pm? Either will work. At least I know you have a nice voice!

10:47pm, Patrick: Yeah, pm. Hopefully earlier. Depends on when I get off set.

10.48pm, Elaine: Look forward to it :). Have a nice night. Hope you enjoyed your shower.

Despite my overly critical outlook on PB in retrospect, at the time all of these messages added up to a pretty decent, nice guy. He seemed fairly normal and well-put together, hard working and all the rest and I looked forward to meeting him. I wasn’t sitting by the phone waiting for him to call, but I did find a call or text a welcomed surprise.