#51 CAPTAIN COTILLION, THE HANDSOME DEBUTANT

We met accidentally at the door of a bar and had a magical (drunken) night or two

We have already established that my early 20s self was a daydreamer and semi-fantasist (as in I had an imagination not that I made up my life). My love of books, rom coms, Sex and the City, Gilmore Girls, Smallville, Bridget Jones (the books too), Love Actually, Mean Girls (not entirely relevant for this thread), and the list goes on meant that I had an inclination towards meeting someone, pouring all my projections into them, and going from there. And being disappointed when it didn’t work out because – and I really didn’t realise this a decade ago – I was really quite mad, as “mad as a box of frogs” as they say (i.e. a little on the la la crazy side) but I thought I was semi-normal. I really hope girls (and guys) now with the whole “girl boss” era and “fuckboy” and “gaslighting” awareness are nothing like elder Millennial me.

Anyway, cue an actual romantic meet-cute with a man who wasn’t any of the bad things.

It was Friday, 21 October 2011. I know because (unsurprisingly) I wrote it down. This very handsome debonair debutant left his impression on me.

I better tell it in my own words from the email (yes, another email to myself) that I sent to myself on Tuesday, 25 October 2011. So here goes…

The self-emails strike again.

Email, Tuesday, 25 October 2011

On Friday night, I had ice cream and dinner with this guy [his name that I had completely forgotten/never remembered]. We had a nice time. I didn't kiss him or anything. He lived downtown, an officer in the army. Had an MBA. I invited him to go to the bars with me, but he wanted to go home. We sat in the cold and talked, but eventually, I needed to pee [wee], so I decided I'd go upstairs to the Loft. 

The Loft was a trendy restaurant and bar in Columbus, Georgia frequented by the white-collar businessmen and women who lived in the area and army officers stationed at Ft Benning.

My phone was dead and I was supposed to meet my [gorgeous Chinese] friend Anna, but I was early. She was on a date with an army lawyer and she said she'd be half an hour and to wait for her in the bar. 

I guess we did a lot of dating and then meeting up with each other to debrief or drink ourselves under the table. This was just before we’d meet our respective Captains: Captain Thor (aka the second person I met at Starbucks) and Captain Texas in November 2011 and after the time I dated the handsome Jewish urologist I was hung up on because of amazing sex and when I’d dated the Auburn Professor. Things worked fast in my world.

I went to pay cover and the guy collecting money said, "Are you getting one or two?" I replied, "one." 

For my UK readers, doormen often collected “cover” charges at doors to drinking establishments. You pay to go in the building to drink. Why? I don’t get it either. Maybe to pay the band. I can’t even remember. 

He thought I was getting the guy next to me who happened to be very tall and very very handsome and I made a joke and said "Just one. We haven't met yet." Tall and handsome thought this was very amusing and chuckled. And I introduced myself to him. 

“Tall and handsome” became known to me as Captain Cotillion.

I went upstairs to pee [wee] anyway, so I go to the bathroom and look around for my friend, Anna, and she's not there, so I just kinda end up hanging out with him and he seems really into talking to me and buys me a drink. We talk for a long time. His friends leave. 

I remember feeling as if it was just the two of us in the bar, alone in our own reverie, sitting on some barstools at a ledge in the back corner and drunkenly staring into his gorgeous face, whilst also admiring his smoking body. Seriously, he looked a lot like Jacob Elordi for anyone who has seen Saltburn with a physique just as good, but more like Jacob if Jacob had a more mature face (because his face is a bit baby face but still hot). Captain Cotillion was also wrongly 6’4” and I’m a sucker for a man above 6’1”. (Chester always said this was super shallow and besides, I think Captain Thor was only 5’11”.)

Then we move to next bar and we continue to talk and talk. He buys me another drink. And then he takes me to fancy martini bar with handstuffed blue cheese olives and then he drives me home. 

Is this badly written narrative reminding anyone else of that “and then, and then, and then” scene in the amazing classic that is Dude, Where’s My Car? (Obviously, a reference that is not PC at all. Didn’t age well.)

And then we had sex, which I didn't plan on, but he was hot and I was into him. The sex wasn't as awesome as with [Bramwell or the hot Jewish Doctor], but it was pretty good. 

Sheesh! It’s the first time! Give the guy a break. And did we miss the whole fact that we smashed drinks all night and martinis and I let him drive me home to my apartment?

My level of self-control…

I was super sore after, though, which wasn't good. Then in the morning, he brought me water from downstairs. I was sleepy and he got up crazy early because he couldn't sleep. At one point in the night, he took a shower and I got him a towel and stuff. He was really patient and waited for me to get up around 10 am. 

Super sore because he was well-endowed. Ouch! Omg I had low standards but this was sweet if he was used to getting up around 5 am to do PT (physical training in the Army) and I’m here being a super late sleeper always. Now, I rise early but I’m sure I could’ve slept until 2 pm in my mid-20s. I’m also sure my room was always a total mess so I’m seeing him as this perfect fantasy man and he is probably thinking that I’m a total disaster (because I was).

We went to breakfast at this sort of hole-in-the-wall place he'd meant to try. It was very good. He paid. My friend Anna called to be taken to her car and he offered to pick her up and he dropped us off at our cars downtown. 

Oh, America! We spent all night drinking and then he drove back to my apartment. Sigh! But I always left my car at the bars. And who knows what happened to Anna that night? Did I ditch her or had she gone home with the guy she’d gone on a date with?

He pretty much seems to meet all of my "list" perfectly. On November 1st he's moving to Texas since he was only stationed here for six months for Captain school. 

There was a programme at Ft Benning called “The Captains Career Course” which is why so many Captains made their way to the South. And also why did every hot person I met seem to go to bloody Texas?

He's from California. Went to San Diego State Uni. Studied Poli Sci and History. He quoted Milton at breakfast. Knew about the history of the literature I'd studied. He was amazing. 

Swoon! Can’t you see why I built him up in my head? Was he even dating anyone? I didn’t even ask.

He met me yesterday at Starbucks. It was really nice. He's so very handsome. I nicknamed him Captain Cotillion because he went to Cotillion and he said he knew how to ballroom dance formally. He makes me laugh and I have such a good time with him. I wish he was not leaving. 

He came from the school of gentlemanly etiquette, good breeding, and the world of Emily Post.

My imagined life was in Stars Hollow with the sort of people who grew up attending balls…

I mean life, eh? I meet this seemingly perfect, gorgeous, handsome guy who most likely would’ve run for the hills once he got to know me (hence why I’m onto person 49 plus as some posts are about 2-3 people I casually dated and the four handfuls of people I slept with) and he’s moving away ten days after meeting.

---

Email, Sunday, 23 October 2011, two days prior to my own recap email

Before I gathered my thoughts I did my usual weirdness of typing out our text messages.

Saturday, 22 October 2011, the next morning

Elaine, 1.14 pm: Now you can't forget my number.

I texted him right after he'd dropped me off at my car before we parted ways for me to go to Starbucks (presumably to grade papers) – which he said he'd potentially join me with, which he did not – and for him to go install motion detectors and run errands. Why he was installing motion detectors I have no clue.

Captain Cotillion, 1.19 pm: Can't wait to start texting you with incorrect punctuation. 

Elaine, 1.21 pm: I'll simply refuse to respond. ;)

Despite being an English major (and now an editor), I don’t really care how people text as long as they use the basics correctly, i.e. their, they’re, there, its, it’s, your, you’re, etc. I especially hate when people write, “your welcome.” YOU ARE. YOU ARE. YOU ARE. Sigh! It was never “your.”

Elaine, 3.44 pm: Must nap. Very tired. Wish you were here. No thesis progress, sadly. :( 

I thought I'd let him know in case he decided to venture to Starbucks.

Elaine, 7.58 pm: Detectors installed? How's your day thus far?

I mean I’m showing surprising restraint not texting him 12,000 times per hour.

Captain Cotillion, 8.46 pm: Sleepy. Yours?

Elaine, 9.01 pm: I too was sleepy. Passed out hard. But had uneasy dreams. Did you nap?

Elaine, 9.45 pm: I suppose it seems I'm the avid texter in our conversations! I do hope to see you again before I leave. I had a km 

This was a phone error. I began to type a text message and my phone kept messing up and I had no idea that it was sent until I went into the conversation to text him again.

Elaine, 12.01 am: Was supposed to be lovely time last night. Didn't know that sent.

End of conversation. Two texts. I wrote that to myself. That he texted me only twice.

So now, because it’s me, I was left questioning my entire life choices. A full-on existential semi-crisis – probably with all the wrong conclusions because I didn’t have time and distance and any sort of perspective on why men hated me. (I just joke here. He didn’t know me to know I was full-on mental.)

I don’t know where half of these GIFs are from (on my Substack not on this post) but I’ll go with it.

My email continuation to myself after I recorded his two texts…

Still, I'm trying to keep it in perspective. He really did seem to enjoy my company on Friday night. 

My decisions were rash and reckless. But it was like a movie in many ways – the whirlwind romance, all wrapped up so quickly and ended just as soon. Except movies don't show the emotional afterthoughts, the hurt, the confusion. I think I'm okay, though. 

I'm trying to put it in perspective and realize that men do exist in the world who are both educated, charming, handsome, tall, and find me interesting too, people who I can laugh with, drink with, flirt with, enjoy an evening with. 

Although I don't usually pick up handsome strangers at a bar, have sex with them, and then have them move away without seeing them again, I suppose I can learn from it. He came and went from my life quickly. 

But he showed me that I can be valued. In fact, all the men I've dated lately seem to find me fun and interesting, but I didn't have the kind of connection with them that I had with [Captain Cotillion], which is a shame really. I do still like [a guy who I cannot even remember but maybe was the ranting guy and if so that’s confusing], though; he does seem fun and sweet, but not entirely a perfect fit.

[Hot Jewish doctor] has stopped texting altogether. I suppose he put up with me long enough, but I'm not all that bad and it's kind of mean of him to drop me from his life. Although, he never had to keep me in his life once he broke things off. I guess I should be thankful-ish that he indulged me for two or was it three weeks longer? 

Ugh! Past me was so pathetic but my therapist says that we all do what we gotta do to get by (she sounds quite posh so those are definitely not her words) and she also says not to be so judgemental of past me.

Even though [Captain Cotillion] seemed to be perfect, he was not perfect in bed. The sex was not bad, but it was not good. It wasn't the kind of raw amazing chemistry I have with [Bramwell or the hot Jewish doctor]. [The doctor] was so very good in bed. I'm not sure why or how, but he really is and [Captain Cotillion] lacked the same finesse with my body. I imagine [the doctor] is good with every woman's body. Maybe it's his sweet touch, gentle and coaxing. I will miss that for sure. 

Rolls eyes. I mean generally, you can improve a sex life with time. And I was comparing him to people who had learned my body and given me orgasms. I was comparing a drunken romp with a hot stranger, so not exactly apples to apples.

Again, even if it was only for a night, I had a memorable and enjoyable evening. I'll try and keep that in mind. Although my heart hurts a little if I will admit that to myself. 

He seemed to have such a nice time and so did I, but why will he not respond more? I mean, I really, really hope that I didn't make an unsafe decision. I'm paranoid about STDs. Fuck! I mean what if he gave me something? I did ask, "You have been tested, right? And you're clean?" Eek! Need to get tested ASAP. I was very sore and am still very sore from the sex. Maybe it's because I was easy and had sex with him? I mean he pushed it. But still, it's unladylike and he just wanted sex, I guess. And now the fun's over. I was being so good, too, with my other dates. Second date first kisses. No sex with any of them yet. And now this. And heartache all over again. A perfect night, a lovely morning, and heartache. 

The internalised misogyny I had and the whole STD paranoia again (the whole Dr Scani Lit Prof 102]. I’ll tell you a funny story when I get to my husband Michael about our date to the STD clinic. Was it a match made in heaven? 

Captain Cotillion was probably busy and he had no investment in me so it didn’t matter. But I think he did come over again because I remember forcing poor Brittany through a dinner party with him (I did the same to her with the hot Jewish doctor as well) and I know we did have sex more than once. Captain Cotillion was person number 19 on my sex list and the doctor number 18.

Maybe he couldn't handle my quirks. He seemed to be into it and into me. Maybe I was too self-deprecating. Maybe I revealed too much. In fact, I revealed a lot about myself. I told stories. He told me his mum had cancer and survived it. His parents were divorced. But what had he really said? Anything telling? Anything personal? Not really. I was the one who had revealed it all.

LOLs I wonder what was so personal I worried I had revealed. And I’d say the details he shared are pretty emotionally poignant so that’s quite “sharing.” 

He told me a few stories from college, but generic and implied. He told me he could ballroom dance and he had been to Cotillion. I think my car maybe turned him off since he seemed to be against poor people in general. I thought he found me interesting and unusual and charming, but maybe I was wrong. Or maybe I worry myself sick with overanalysis when I should just forget it and move on and enjoy the memory of the night and get my shit together and be a complete person and get my shit in order so I can bring something to the table to someone I meet later in life.

Clearly, I had my own hangups about being a poor adjunct professor in the middle of her Master’s degree which I had yet to finish. These feelings would resurface in a big way with Captain Thor. I felt that whatever I was was not good enough for the “good” people who came along.

I need to sleep. Ugh!

I need to get thesis work done tomorrow for sure and grade all the menial shit. Ugh! Wish I loved life a bit more right now. 

Ugh! Now back to missing [the hot Jewish doctor] and being sad he doesn't want me and hasn't really texted for two days. 

After this whole thought spiral, slut shaming myself and whatever, I sent myself an email on the evening of Sunday, 23 October 2011. The subject line was “10 days…” which is presumably how long he had left in Columbus and the only content of the email was “Even if only for a night, I had a magical evening…”

I mean really I had a nice time and that was that and I should have moved on. It didn’t indicate anything about me other than that. He drove to Starbucks on his last night dressed as Conan the Barbarian (no recollection why – maybe it was Halloween and maybe I wasn’t going out until later). I was wearing a terrible outfit and looked horrible so I always regret that I didn’t even look remotely hot in the picture. It’s the only picture we have together. 

You know because in my mind, he wasn't into me because I wasn't "hot" enough or "thin" enough or "rich" enough or basically nothing to do with any actual reasons other than the fact he had other things on his mind with moving away.

---

I must have shared all of these irrational fears with Brittany (irrational over a “relationship” that was never going to happen) and she sent me an email on Monday, 24 October 2011 with the subject line “Elaine’s list.”

OK, remember, this is a working list, meaning you have to keep revising it. My advice is you list everything you could possibly want, then prioritize things, possibly even making two lists – one for essentials and one for things that are awesome, but not essential.

1. Likes my (bubbly, vivacious, quixotic) personality

2. Not a TV or gaming addict

3. Social drinker only

4. Goes to the gym, but not obsessively

5. Eats healthy, but not obsessively

6. Not obsessive (OK, I just added this one for a laugh)

7. Sociable

8. Enjoys novelty, not afraid to try new things

9. Even-tempered (and calm?)

10. Unmarried/single

11. Doesn't hate travelling

12. Mentally stable

13. At least 5'10", preferably 6'2"

14. Muscular

15. Male (Seems like a given, but take no chances. I don't know how open-minded you are, but you might even add naturally and biologically male.)

That feeling when you got your “checklist” person.

The list makes me laugh (the biologically male comment maybe didn’t age well but it was 2011 before the world was as woke). Michael meets all of these except the fully “sociable” bit but he can either be absolutely charming and sociable or a total hermit. But seriously, I don’t think I’d have dated anyone around the 5’10” mark since HSS and Dorian. Ridiculous maybe!

On Wednesday, 26 October 2011, I sent him this cringey FB message so that must have meant we went to dinner that evening because I know I saw him again at least three times before he left.

Captain Cotillion, 

No shit, I even called him that then to his face (or in this message).

You are a very sexy and handsome man. I like your smile and how you explain things I don't understand. I enjoy our conversations very much. Furthermore, I think we should render that history timeline into digital form and share it on YouTube with everyone (which may only consist of seven people with four of them being our parents). It was amusing to me nonetheless. 

I don’t even know what this YouTube comment means.

It totally turns me on when you quote Nietzsche too (and other smart things) and, just to let me know, you had me at Milton (Get it? "You had me at hello." Yeah... never mind). Quoting Milton at breakfast. Check. I think I should add that to some list somewhere. Also Shakespeare. And Keats. And what was the other one you knew about? You also knew about the War of the Roses. You're pretty damned amazing. I'm not sure if I've met anyone outside of my male friends in the Dept. of English – who, being already with English major girlfriends are un-dateable – that can quote literature and can remember anything that happened in history outside of American. I sound vacuous right now, but I am tired. All of this gloating may have scared you away had you not already been leaving. Hehe! [winky face]

Can't wait to see you at dinner tomorrow. I'm thinking 8.30 might be a good time since I have to hit up Starbucks and the Gym first. I'll also have to clean ALL the things for your coming (also find this reference at http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html). Does that work for you? You can spend the night too if you don't have other plans. 

Hugs,

-Elaine xxx

I messaged a few more times and he ignored my messages. He had very limited polite small talk and thanked me for a birthday message on his Facebook wall. I gave up after that. 

He seems to be married to his own blonde doctor now (own being in reference to the blonde Jewish doctor I briefly dated before Captain Cotillion). They seem to have an adopted daughter and two biological children. He doesn’t have any “About” info besides saying, “Just here to embarrass my family” so I have no idea where he lives or what he does. He doesn’t even seem to have a LinkedIn page. 

I may have thought spiralled and he may have run a mile or probably more likely just didn’t want to get emotionally invested in something that was a few-night stand, but he taught me a valuable lesson about myself. I learned after this to calm all of the spiralling thoughts a little. And I knew that I could find someone equally interesting, gorgeous, and intelligent again. (Spoiler: I did with my current husband.) 

My dating life…and what if I’d never come to any sort of realisation that yes, the problem was totally me! (Or a lot of me.)

But that’s another matter that my therapist talks about – how much I value beauty and what that says about me. 

Next up, the handsome, tall Air Force Guy who resurfaced from my uni days right after I’d met my first husband, an encounter that almost ruined the beginnings of my relationship.

Don’t forget to check out the other fifty posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place – and the odd “present day snippet” of what I’m up to lately.

Have you ever had a rom-com-like date or hookup? How did it go afterwards?