#57 CAPTAIN THOR AND THE MAKE-UP WIPE INCIDENT
Letting go, healing, saying a final goodbye
As is the case with High School Sweetheart (HSS) and Dorian, the Stella Adler Academy actor, I could have said that that was that for Captain Thor. He rode off into the sunset and was never heard from again. I never spoke to him and the past had a big, solid line drawn under it. But that wasn’t the case.
In August 2013, I was living with my fiance in Georgia in an amazing house he’d bought for us (he’d later become my first husband) and Captain Thor sent me a message on Facebook.
Elaine, I have an unusual request. Do you recall when we went on trips where you would put your makeup remover in my car? What kind did you use? What did it look like more or less? I had a pretty embarrassing situation pop up. It would mean a lot to me. Also, congratulations on the engagement. [smiley face]
He sent me a photo of the items. I didn’t ever use makeup wipes. The concealer was a shade that was far too dark for my skin and I’d never used the brand of mascara. I do wonder who they belonged to.
I remember once finding another woman’s shirt shoved in a drawer at the apartment where Captain Thor lived. It was a drawer he’d cleared out for me. The shirt had been shoved in amongst my things but it was distinctly not my shirt – you know how we all know which clothes are ours and which are not. I was there most nights so I’m not sure if I wasn’t there one night and he had a woman over or if the shirt belonged to someone in his past but I don’t think I ever confronted him about it. And I don’t suppose it even matters.
Thank you for sending back the shirts and book. It was very thoughtful and I hope that the items didn't lead to an embarrassing situation. [His first wife’s name] found these and I am very certain that they belong to you. Would you like me to send them back? I've no idea what they cost due to the fact I don't wear makeup.
On one of our trips to Mississippi, his mama had given me one of her old childhood books. I think it was a Victorian book and she thought I’d like it. And I had a t-shirt that Captain Thor had given me that I slept in often and maybe some other shirts that had been his, so I mailed those back to him.
I replied:
These are most definitely not mine and makeup grows bacteria.
Then to his assertion that having items that belonged to him would cause embarrassment, I said (truthfully):
The items didn't lead to an embarrassing situation at all. I told [my fiance] about them and he knew I was sending them back. I gave the painting to my mum.
I did find the request odd and I was feeling pretty un-generous with past memories as this situation triggered memories of those times I found things from other women in his apartment (as stated) including that shirt, the various care packages, and love letters. I am not sure if he was seeing someone else or where the makeup and the wipes had come from but I supposed I could have just said they were mine to make his wife feel better but I didn’t.
But I imagine whatever was happening in their marriage didn’t bode well (I think it lasted 18 months, he said). The cracks were appearing if she was asking about makeup products that were in his car over a year after I’d last seen him.
We talked about the odds of having the same wedding date (the summer solstice) but I said we picked it for the same reason of it being the solstice. Now every year Michael and I have a summer solstice tradition where we go on a hike to Orchan Rocks (which you can see from my attic bedroom window) and we have a picnic and watch the sun go down. This lovely tradition with Michael erases (or eases) the memory that I ever got married on that day once, years ago.
I also said I was moving to Germany and he asked when we were going.
I didn’t hear from him again for three years.
August 2016
When I’d been living back in England for almost three months, he messaged to say he hoped I was doing well and to ask if I was living in England. I said I was doing well and it was nice to be home and that I loved “being close to family and getting to see my niece grow up.”
He said he was deployed to Kuwait. I asked him what made him get in touch after almost four years. He said he just wanted to see if I was okay. I said things hadn’t turned out as planned but I had wanted to be close to my family and now I was.
May 2017
He messaged again the next year after the Manchester Arena attacks and I said I was fine and had been nowhere near them but my cousin’s son Callum had been meant to work there that day but had called in sick. I said the whole thing was sad. We discussed politics a little.
I wished that he had a good birthday in October that year.
He wished me a happy Christmas that year.
March 2018
He told me about his engagement and how he met his now-wife back in 2004 and reconnected over the summer. He didn’t elaborate on their story, but I’ve always been a little curious.
I said that I was in a place I loved with someone who was perfect for me (Michael).
He kindly said that when he spoke to people who had known us as a couple they only had nice things to say – and that he had to grow up, learn about empathy, and not worry about controlling everything.
He said I helped him because he’d needed someone who cared. I replied I was glad to hear that. He said he was deployed to Afghanistan this time.
March 2021
I messaged him to send my condolences when I found out he’d lost his mother. I’d said I’d been searching for my cousin (who shared a name with his mother) and went to her Facebook page by accident and found she’d died of cancer in under a year from diagnosis. I said that I was sorry, that it must be heartbreaking, and that I’d hoped he and his siblings were okay.
He’d said that his mother had liked me and was happy at my attentions to his sister, especially that I helped her write a letter to her grandmother (I don’t remember doing this). I said she was a lovely little girl and I imagined she still was.
That was our last contact!
With my own happiness, came humility and forgiveness for past hurts. I was able truly to wish him the best in life, to hope for his happiness, to realise that as the “mirror, window, door” theory goes (as Zeta at
to Zen talks about in this piece) that some people hold up a mirror to all the ways you need to heal or a window to the possibilities of life so that a door may come along and be open to you.He married his attractive blonde, French wife and they have two children together, a boy and a girl. He is now a Major or he may have made it to Lieutenant Colonel by now. I think they live in Germany but I’m not sure. He seems happy and content and I do wish them every happiness.
I was with him through a long period of searching and discontent but now I’m where I meant to be.
Next up, perhaps a long-awaited post about the hot Jewish doctor.
Don’t forget to check out the other fifty-six posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place – and the odd “present day snippet” of what I’m up to lately.
Did someone ever come back from your past and give you the opportunity to heal, let go, and say a final goodbye?
If you missed the rest of the posts about Captain Thor, check them out below. (And congrats, readers, if you made it through – or skim-read – all approximately 30,000 words – eek! Yes, Captain Thor got a full-on novella out of me. To be fair, some of it was written twelve years ago to myself but I think it’s a Why We Met record.)
Here’s the supplementary bonus material for paid subscribers.
I'm glad all turned out well for both of you and, hopefully Thor cleans out his car more often these days! 🤣
Your post got me thinking...I never had someone come back from out of the past and offer healing and a proper goodbye, but I wish they had.