BONUS MATERIAL: THE TEARFUL LETTERS OF DISCONTENT
BONUS MATERIAL: THE TEARFUL LETTERS OF DISCONTENT
The sad saga of Captain Thor
More evidence of neurosis in sad emails to myself (and sometimes messages to him), which continually made him feel pressured and discontent.
Check out the previous three posts in the series if you haven’t already and the two other bonus material posts.
April 2012
Last night I couldn't sleep. I wrote a letter by hand. I was going to leave it for you in the bathroom but decided I needed to sleep on it. It was painful to write it, but I wanted to let you know how I felt last night.
Sigh! Weaponised sadness. Of course, it’s good to know how to express yourself and words have always been my way of figuring out the world (‘write towards knowing’ as writer circles say) but it’s also important to understand how to re-shape the world. By which I mean, you have to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around you and people react and say things out of their own pain, feelings, and frustrations. Sometimes it’s about you; sometimes it’s not. But you can only control so many factors. I could only control how I shaped my world, how I set boundaries, how I respected myself, but I wasn’t equipped then to do that. In this case, I was always looking for hurts that may or may not have been there…
Do I want a boyfriend who doesn't know what he wants? Who doesn't know where he'll be? My recent dilemma is ambiguous waiting around. You once told me I liked you more than you liked me. First, who says that? And, second, what idiot sticks around for that?
When this situation happened, I should either have created boundaries for myself (i.e. not allowing myself to be treated this way and ending things) or decided if I was going to be emotionally content with someone to sleep with and pass the time with but without a future.
I like you. I've enjoyed getting to know you. But I want to be liked back. In fact, it didn't take me long to realize I was willing to sacrifice things to want to spend more time with you. The fact that everything is ambiguous to you means you don't care for me very much. And that's fine. I don't expect it. You don't want me in your future. You've made that clear. So why do you ask me to wait for you just to say goodbye to you? You say you want to see me in 8 hours. Is that just because you want female company and I'll do because I'm in your life? If I was half as ambiguous to you – instead of open and honest and lying my heart on the line – I'm not sure you'd stick around.
Anna and [Captain Texas], in a shorter time than us, realized they want a future together. I was stupid to stay this long when I'm waiting for nothing. Yes, I enjoy your company and time but to what end? I spent almost half a year getting to know you for you to throw it all away. I'm not sure what you want in your future, but I know I'm not it. Please – if you want – let's enjoy these 15 days. And let's call an end to it. I have to move on with my life and plan for my future; I can't keep waiting around hoping you'll decide you want me in your life – even temporarily. A) That's just pathetic. B) If you can't even say there may be a future – long distance or anything – then I don't want you in my life either. Now you don't have to decide. You can focus on what's immediately in front of you.
Poor lost past Elaine. You wanted to keep things because he took you on adventures and gave you a nice lifestyle and he didn’t actually see a future; you were a way to pass the time… He made it clear by not making anything clear that you were just a convenient person to date. And whether it was pathetic to stay is now irrelevant.
That was it, but here's the thing I keep thinking. I feel really torn because, on the one hand, it seems like you like me and that you think – sometimes – about me in your future, but, on the other hand, you can never pin anything down. I know that you have a lot going on in your life and it's hard for you to make a concrete decision, but please see it from my perspective too. It's almost like I'm being strung along. Sometimes you give details as if you want me around and then in times like last night – when you're really pressed – you act like you don't want anything. And that's hurtful. Just like the million and one negative comments you say to me. They are hurtful. They lodge in my head. When I finally went to bed last night I thought of all the negative things you say to me and it hurt. And I wondered did our time together really make me happy. What was I doing?
And as much as I had flings in college, in adulthood, I wasn't looking for that. I know that our thing never promised anything more, but if I knew it would be a fling early on, I'm not sure I'd have pursued it.
Is that even true? I think I just wanted an end to the endless searching. Was it even really about Captain Thor at all?
I need to find a direction in life and I don't necessarily intend that direction to be sewn at your hip, but I do have to find something. And for a moment I thought of a life so completely opposite of what I had planned. I'd planned on having a career and pursuing that with gusto – probably with a string of flings, some meaningful, others meaningless.
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