#92 HOW I MET MY YORKSHIRE HUSBAND: PART THREE
Happiness, toxicity, healing, picnics, and playing house
Is happiness inherently boring to read about? Whilst I’m in a happy, healthy place with Michael now our beginning was a little messy. Just like when I met my first husband, I wasn’t sure if I wanted wildness or freedom, but – as I went on dates with other people – my mind kept going back to Michael. There was something about him that pulled to me like a golden thread connecting us.
Do I believe in soulmates? I’m not sure. I think Michael is my person. He’s now the cliched bestie (not that I don’t also have friends and family that also form a very vital part of my life).
I love spending time with him. He makes me laugh. We genuinely like each other even as we approach nine years and next year, a decade. This is the longest, happiest, healthiest romantic relationship I’ve ever had in my life – and I’m so grateful for that.
My toxicity and working towards a better life
But that’s not to say I didn’t pull my usual shit in our early relationship. Probably in a fit of panic when I realised I really, really liked him, instead of letting our relationship unfold ‘normally’ and ‘naturally,’ I tried to force it. I said things along the lines of how it was hard for me to go from married to casually dating. And I needed to find the next person I was going to settle with if I wanted marriage and children again. I hadn’t even made sense of my impending divorce. I certainly had no clue what I wanted for the future. I just knew that the rock bottom my life had become wasn’t it.
That’s not to say I didn’t work on doing healthy things, too. As my mental health was in the figurative toilet, I tried to work on one thing per day, per week, whatever I could muster to get me closer to the life I wanted.
(Annoyingly, you can’t caption videos, so this ugly text will have to suffice. Video above of when I landed my first writing job in England, which took over a year and had left me feeling hopeless. I used to send messages on this app called Telegram to Chester, Grammy, my Mum, and Charles – the CFO, my best date, and longtime friend. I did have some other videos where I was a bit less optimistic, but I can’t find them this minute. Spoiler: I did not pursue teaching despite getting a place at Manchester Uni, and writing all day did not give me the energy to write a novel. Only in 2024 did I do that and this was around 2017. My accent has changed now.)
To be fair to Michael, he could have run, but he worked with me. He – knowing also that he wanted things to change in his life in the romance department and seeing a spark in me too – navigated life with me. He pushed his boundaries probably beyond what he was comfortable with, and kept going with the relationship as it developed.
Our early messages were full of flirting and ‘banter.’ I’d never done banter with anyone. I was usually overly serious and felt that the literature major in me had to be ‘serious’ and have ‘meaningful’ conversations with people. But with Michael, we could talk about a broad range of subjects, and I learned to be less serious, laugh more, and roll with the sometimes very random thoughts and ideas that flowed from his brain.
Michael was always kind to me. He’d take me to the train station to see my Grammy, but he was boundaried. Even back then, I knew if he didn’t want to do something, he didn’t do it. I found it frustrating in that I’d sometimes had men bend over backwards for me – before they slept with me and got to know me, that is.
I think sometimes that tapering off made me feel unlovable. Like people only wanted me at the beginning until they realised I was ‘too much,’ but Michael’s steadiness helped me grow and flourish. Over time, we have learned to be good partners to each other.
(Video above to Michael when I decided to dye my hair for the first time blonde-ish at the end. It was called ‘ombre.’ My Dad said it looked like I’d dyed my hair blonde and let it grow out for a while. When I first moved to England, I did the typical ‘trauma haircut’ of chopping my hair off short. I’d had hair that went below my boobs and now I had hair that went below my collarbone. Yes, I was an annoying person who called my partner ‘baby,’ but now it’s just softened to ‘darling.’)
Bedroom banter: how things just get better
Sexually, too, with that safety has come exploration. I have always loved sex (friends have described me maybe unfavourably as a bit of a nympo) but I’d often been so amped up and highly strung at a new partner’s company that I coudn’t relax enough to orgasm which had been a point of contention for some (such as Hot Jewish Doctor). Some people (like Captain Thor) were well endowed enough to hit all the right bits, and I orgasmed by chance if I ground myself against him the right way – certainly not on his intentional effort.
For both men and women, sex can be enjoyable when you don’t orgasm. Besides, I can make myself come – at least I eventually learned how to do that. But with Michael, I had more orgasms than I’ve had with anyone – even at the beginning.
Side note: I don’t write these chapters anonymously, but I don’t exactly share these details with people in my life so obvs I’m getting vulnerable with internet strangers, which can be nerve-wracking but why not be open about this stuff sometimes? Everyone would be happier if they had a better sex life and that’s with a partner or solo!
Michael’s drive isn’t as high as mine, so even though we do have sex several times per week, I’m sure he wishes we did it less, and I wish we did it more. But he’s still a generous lover. There’s always the offer of an orgasm for me, even if he doesn’t want to engage himself. I think all that comes down to trust, relaxation, and kindness. I love that Michael had brought out all sorts in me, but this especially. I have always trusted him with my body, and that’s a lovely place to be.
Plus, Captain Cambridge said that I don’t mention Michael’s size (as I do for others). Let’s just say we joke he’s like Goldilocks and ‘just right’ for me – but also Captain Cambridge is, like, unusually large (over a footlong) but let’s just say that Michael – if it would be his thing – according to the article Captain Cambridge sent me recently, could comfortably be a male porn star without venturing into what people call the ‘monster cock’ category. So, I’d say that’s perfect for a husband.
Most of the people I’ve slept with – by pure luck – have been on the more ‘endowed end,’ but fret not men who are reading, most women I know haven’t cared about this sort of thing, and it really is all about listening to what your partner wants and likes in bed – and vice versa. Most men cannot be the wielder of a large cock without actually knowing what to do with it – or it’s less exciting and more eye-watering (the bad kind).
The hiccups, the frustrations
After having ‘run’ my own house with my first husband, there were also times I was frustrated that we lived like teenagers. We had separate bedrooms (we still do). I lived in the attic (like the madwoman in Jane Eyre), and he had his childhood bedroom (which is now the guestroom and my office), and his Dad was in the master bedroom (even though Michael owned the house, but that’s a long story I won’t share on here).
As much as I adored Michael’s Dad and knew how important Michael’s bond was with George – I mean George was great company and equally made me laugh as much as Michael – it was an odd situation to be in and I sometimes wondered how I would adapt where I couldn’t fully feel comfortable to have friends and family over or people to stay or have dinner parties or do any of the ‘adulting’ things I’d been used to.
But we eventually all managed to navigate the situation for almost four lovely years until Michael’s father’s sad passing in January 2020 (not from COVID), which changed everything for us.
There were other early frustrations like I said when Michael would make me take the bus or the times he’d pick me up to hang out but then would tell me he needed to take me home before the road closure – one time when the road between my Dad’s house where I lived and Michael’s house was closed from a certain time at night until the morning due to road works.
Knowing Michael now, I just knew that he needed decompression time away from me. But back then, I didn’t understand that and couldn’t comprehend that when we slept in separate rooms, why he was eager to get rid of me.
(Video above of my niece and Michael’s nephew – now combined, and we have another nephew – when we took them to Bolton Abbey. We bonded over trying to be the best Aunty and Uncle to these gorgeous children in our lives. I mean, how cute are Caroline and Oliver?)
My television and film education
During graduate school, I didn’t own a television that had any channels. Brittany and I would sometimes venture into my extensive DVD or boxset collection – Gilmore Girls being a particular favourite – but with schoolwork and partying, I didn’t have the time. We’d also sometimes go to the ‘big cinema’ or the ‘dollar theatre’ (where you could see matinees for 99 cents or regular times for $1.99).
With my first husband, when we lived in Germany and even in the US, we didn’t really watch television. I watched the odd streaming thing (as did he, but rarely together) but nothing consistently, and we went to the odd film on the military base, or we’d go to the English language cinema in Nuremberg, Germany, but I was – according to Michael – woefully behind. He embarked on my television education, catching me up on TV shows and films to the tune of hundreds.
This was Michael’s way of sharing his favourite things with me. We had a set routine of him feeding me dinner, us showering, having sex, and cuddling together, always touching, and watching something on the television in the attic. Our life still goes mostly like that, except when I’m in writing or editing mode, and I sometimes skip some of the bits, but not the shower and sex bits.
I have a feeling Michael may be on the Asperger’s spectrum for many reasons, but he doesn’t want to get diagnosed as he doesn’t see how that would impact his life a this point.
I still love my husband. I still fancy him. I love how he’s simultaneously a young and old man in one person. He can do spontaneous, fun things, like going somewhere and playing on a seesaw, or he can behave like a curtain-twitching old man, observing things out the window and shaking his figurative walking stick.
Plus, he has a dash of ‘health and safety police’ about him, which always makes me laugh and roll my eyes about the 5,000 probable and improbable scenarios he imagines for everything I do.
(Video above of when Jae, Caroline, Michael, and I went to Eureka, an interactive children’s museum in Halifax, West Yorkshire. You can tell Michael has dance rhythm, and I do not…)
Playing happy families with a twist
In early dating, we played house at his Mum’s. She and her husband were away, and Michael was given the opportunity to housesit. It was a glorious little bubble. He made tea (northern English word for ‘dinner’ or ‘supper’).
He planned an elaborate bedroom encounter which involved being blindfolded, tied up, and having headphones on for an ‘immersive sensory experience’ and toys. Even all these years on, he still makes the bedroom fun.
I think this, and just how fun his personality is – how he keeps me laughing – is why we work all these years later.
That and the fact he keeps choosing me and I choose him.
Choosing me every day, every year
My first husband – and many others – essentially didn’t choose me. Discarded me as wrong and not enough – or too much. I wasn’t the right choice for them.
I mean in hindsight, my ex leaving me was the best thing that happened to me. I think sometimes how miserable and stuck I would have been, staying because I had a financially comfortable life, never having the opportunity to achieve my career goals, financial goals, writing goals, never having the freedom to discover who I was as a person.
Early dating with Michael also involved lots of picnics, sometimes even the ‘proper’ variety that included picnic blankets and baskets. We had lots of walks and days out. I had much more time and much less money back then, but we had each other and this joyful life we were building. I was learning to trust and that I could spend days and weeks feeling joy and happiness, that relationships didn’t have to make me feel lesser or miserable or end in tears.
In all our time together, Michael has never once made me cry.
Stuff that’s made me think recently
For those who have been long-time readers (thank you), you may know that I love to ‘be in conversation’ with other Substacks and writers.
I now subscribe to an untenable number of Substacks because I once or twice read something that resonated with me, or they were recommended. Some people I dip in and out of, and others I read every time they post (
, Dr , , , , , , , , etc – I’m definitely leaving people out but you all popped in my head for now). Everyone’s words have value and are amazing, and find readers. That’s what’s so great about this platform. recently wrote a piece – her stories are so engaging – that simultaneously gives a Great Gatsby analysis and discusses how we often project our fantasies onto people we date, and I think if I’d been that wise in my 20s, I’d have saved myself some heartbreak.
She also wrote a very erotic, hot and heavy piece about a recent hookup and the ‘lost art of dry humping’ and it made me want to ask my husband to shove his leg between my thighs. (I did and it was great.)
A recently discovered read is
and she has a sort of agony aunt column. Her response to a reader’s question was so compassionate and nuanced that I loved it.The question concerned how a woman who is happy in her current marriage felt discontent when she learned her university boyfriend had cheated on her for years and it shifted her sense of self, realising that if she’d been able to step out of her codependent relationship sooner, all that could have opened up to her.
Philippa says, “It is not events that disturb us, but our opinions about them” and “...the self you are now did not exist then. What you did was what you could do at the time. Have compassion for that young woman who was you, doing her best with what she had back then.”
That resonated with me. Hard! As many may expect. I often think how idiotic I was not to see so much of the past, what was right in front of me, but my therapist is always as compassionate as Philipa and echoes this sentiment.
We do what we can at the time and sometimes that means staying in stuff that’s objectively shit for us, but if we learn and grow after these experiences, all the beter.
I can appreciate Michael so much more now that I had the past I did. I can appreciate his steadiness. His safety. His love. I can appreciate that he doesn’t validate me; he lets me validate myself.
Younger me was clingy and affectionate with friends, family, and partners. Older me isn’t like that as I’ve settled in myself. That’s not to say I’m not affectionate with loved ones, but not as I was. I was so starved for validation then.
People often say I’ve changed but they may not see that, for me, those changes are good. Michael has allowed me so much freedom to discover what I do like, what I don't, to discover that I like time alone to decompress and write and I don’t need to fill every minute of every day with people like I did in my past, finding a way to run away from myself and my thoughts and perceived inadequacies.
I now enjoy spending quiet hours reading, writing, thinking, listening, enjoying. (To be fair, I’ve always been a reader, though.) Past me thought I constantly had to be on, productive, highly strung, doing. Now I can please myself, be myself.
The final shoutout is for a newsletter I adore by
. She talks about her divorce and her healing journey – but she’s happier now and feels less inclined to write.
I reflected on how I used to get so excited to write certain (less painful) chapters of my Substack and how I so badly wanted readers to read the next chapter that I’d sometimes very overeagerly sent out two chapters in a week, but now that I’ve gotten over most of the ‘cathartic’ bits is it even going to be interesting? Do I have the same drive to write?
I discovered that that piece reignited me a bit, and I wrote the above after putting it off all weekend, but don’t worry (as I’m sure you’re not), the next three chapters are all about the people I also dated when I was first dating Michael. He did know about them, so he won’t be getting any nasty surprises.
Coming up in the next three chapters, the lovely English teacher I dated alongside Michael; followed by that time I went home with a date and ended up sleeping on his floor; and that time I went on a date with someone from New York who had worked for the BBC and knew celebrities.
Want to start from the beginning? Catch up on the other ninety-one chapters. Go back to the first chapter of why I’m writing Why We Met and look out for some “present day snippets” of my current events. Thanks for reading.
Weigh in: Are these chapters about Michael and happiness inherently less interesting to read? Do people only want to read about dating disasters and not healing and happiness? (I promise I have some – hopefully – funny stuff coming up.)
It can be so disorienting trying to figure out the dynamic of a healthy relationship after all the past bs. I loved reading about how you and your husband found your rhythm - and how, like you said, you keep choosing each other.
Also, thank you for being so open about your sex life. I love reading about the sex lives of women, especially in long-term relationships - i don’t feel like i come across it much.
And no, I don’t think happiness makes writing any less compelling. I see ‘writing’ as ‘feeling’ (I know, what an unbearably wanky thing to say), but when someone’s joy transmits through the screen like osmosis - oooh I LOVE. I think human brains are wired to be drawn to a negative thing because of our survival mechanisms so dw about happiness turning anyone off.
Thanks for the shoutout and for sharing some interesting articles~ definitely going to check them out :) I think reading about the happy times is just as nice as reading about disaster dates, especially with your current insight and awareness of your patterns.