#86 THE SECURITY CAMERA SURPRISE AND MY MASSIVE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT (KIDDING): HOW I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A SOLICITOR
The person with the money has the power and I had neither
Benoit’s friend, we’ll call him Hensen, who was married to one of my close friends in Germany (one of my “Germany ladies” as I called them), had been divorced a couple of times before marrying my friend (whom he seemed to adore, thankfully) and I remember him once saying to me how he felt it was unfair that women got “half” of everything.
Maybe I internalised that misogynistic notion but I had this idea that Benoit worked for what he had and I hadn’t “contributed” and just because he wanted to leave me, his life shouldn’t be impacted because he chose to marry the wrong person.
Quick recap: I’m Elaine (or Lainey), a British-American editor by day and writer in my spare time.
For now, I’m writing about my ex/first husband, AKA the fourth person I met at Starbucks, Benoit, a Lebanese-American former engineer turned US Army officer turned back again into an engineering project manager for a company in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where we’d moved from Germany after meeting in Columbus, Georgia. Long story short, whilst I visited my family in Florida, he ended our marriage via text. See Chapter 82 for a bit longer recap and that story here and if you want to read the whole thing, start here at Chapter 72.
Saying the final goodbye to Benoit
Benoit had clearly decided he had enough of me or wanted to get to stage three of his plan to move on and had booked for me to go to Florida on the 3rd of June, a couple of days after returning from Colorado. I flew via Dallas.
Then, he’d ever so kindly booked my flight to move to England on our third anniversary on the 21st of June from Orlando (Florida) to Manchester (UK).
Side note: I’m forever so annoyed that I chose my anniversary to Benoit on the summer solstice as that would have been a perfect date for Michael and I as we have our annual summer solstice walk every year, but no matter. Our anniversary is a week after Michael’s birthday in September (but more on that later).
In my overactive imaginative brain, despite seeing evidence of his cruelty, I somehow still thought that deep down he truly loved me and we’d reconcile, even though I was effectively being sent away.
I hugged him tightly and we shared a last kiss. We both had tears streaming down our faces, which is why I was convinced he’d realise he was making a mistake. Was any of the emotion genuine or a manipulation? I’ll never truly know.
I said, probably dramatically, trying not to break down:
Elaine: No one will ever understand how much we loved each other.
Benoit: That's true. We were good together.
Me: You said we weren't right for each other.
Benoit: We aren't right for each other but we were good together.
Puzzled.
I wrote that in my phone notes after it happened. I guess he was playing the part for me.
The security camera footage
A mere week later, he had a woman at his house.
He clearly was so, so devastated about losing his wife.
He’d installed these Blink cameras all inside the house probably because of his military intelligence past and paranoia. When he was in Lebanon, I felt creeped out at the idea of him watching me and, thus, downloaded the app on my phone, guessed at his email and password, and thus, was logged into the system.
I’d occasionally see notifications pop up, where the camera recorded short video clips of about ten seconds. I wasn’t too (too) creepy (okay, a little creepy) and really did ignore most of the notifications but one morning I clicked on one, with that sinking feeling of knowing you’d probably regret it and what did I see, merely a week after I’d gone to Florida to spend the remaining fortnight with my Mum and family and mere days before my birthday?
Another woman.
10 June 2016
A slim woman – all I could really see was just past shoulder length hair, straight, a sort of mid-brown, protruding shoulder blades, and a thin spaghetti strap dress – as she exited Benoit’s master bedroom and walked straight to the Keurig, reaching up for a cup, as if she was all too comfortable there and had been there before.
I suddenly remembered a time we’d been on the phone and he made up some lie about why he had to go and the garage camera had clicked on as if he was going out.
Instead of being level-headed and cunning about this, I texted him immediately. I felt utterly hurt and betrayed.
I said, “How could you? Who is this? How long has it been going on? I never ever expected this of you.”
Should I not have expected this of him? I’m sure everyone reading can see that that’s probably within his character.
He said, “That’s [friend I never heard of from Pennsylvania's] girlfriend. They are here for some concert and staying with me through the weekend.”
Sigh. Oh, here we go.
Elaine: In your room. Bullshit. She’s coming out of your room.
Benoit: And why do you have my security system on your fucking phone?
Now the anger. Now the gaslighting.
Elaine: That's the issue you have?
Benoit: She came over to get toothbrushes for them.
I guess he thought I was very stupid.
Elaine: There are toothbrushes in the other room. I installed it when you were in Lebanon because I wanted to see if you were watching, which is why I unplugged it. And if she were getting toothbrushes she’d have set off the door camera too because she’d walk past that first and I’ve never heard you mention someone called [name].
I should have shut up. He was never going to tell the truth. I was silly for even trying.
Benoit: You don't know anyone from PA. He asked me if he could stay when I was there.
Elaine: So they suddenly came from Pennsylvania to stay with you? Why didn't she trip the other security camera? So you deleted the clips? Why?
Obviously, he’d decided to remove any ‘evidence.’
Benoit: They have a concert to go to. I am removing the whole system because talk about invasion of my privacy and going behind my back.
Elaine: I never looked at you on there. I knew it was a bad idea. I was going to delete it, but I got an alert. That’s why it seemed you were doing just fine. It’s not like I’m watching you during the day.
I felt so hurt that I felt like the whole marriage had been a lie. It was pathetic but it went beyond jealousy. He was rejecting me – or so it felt on a fundamental level and even though our marriage had ended, he didn’t even have the decency to be even a little bit sad about it.
Plus, we’d rarely had sex in our marriage, which made me feel ashamed, unloved, unworthy, and disgusting, and here he was sleeping with someone else already.
Benoit: I will go to court now and I will fucking let a judge decide on the paper way to proceed. I am doing everything I can to make your transition easier and yet you are fucking spying on me and going on my Facebook. What the fuck ever. Even if it is what you think, it is none of your business.
Elaine: It’s none of my business you are cheating on me? Is it a one night stand? Why lie? Or has it been ongoing? I looked at your Facebook once and that was a mistake and I told you about it.
I thought you loved me. That’s what hurts. I never thought you’d talk to me like this. How long has it been going on? Did you just meet her? Were you actively looking?
Does she know your wife left a week ago? Because you forced her out? And you gave this whole ‘I just want to be alone’ thing? I’m devastated. I just didn’t know you at all. Was I really that awful you had to start seeing someone else? Bloody hell.
I wanted the truth and answers and even to the end he could never give me that. Everything still remains a mystery.
Benoit: There is no she. Nothing is going on.
Elaine: Why can’t you tell the truth? Then show me a picture of this supposed [name] and his girlfriend. And here I was still respecting the fact I was married. Despite the fact you don’t deserve it, I plan to respect my marriage because I did mean it when I married you, and I am not having sex until we are divorced.
Dramatic and not true. This whole situation probably did drive me into the arms of the Air Force Guy (AFG) as a fuck you. I figured it was poetic justice for the last man to touch me before marriage was AFG and the first person to touch me again after it had imploded, though.
Elaine (continued): I guess you better get the papers ready. When are you shipping my stuff? And here I was thinking maybe you'd surprise me and order a teacup for my birthday…which is on Tuesday. And there you are already fucking someone.
Ever the optimist.
Benoit: Elaine, I am not fucking anyone.
I asked one of his PA friends – probably sounding pathetic and ridiculous but this person humoured me – and [name] didn’t even have a girlfriend…and as far as this person knew they were also not in Minnesota for the weekend for some concert. But obviously, even I wasn’t gullible enough to buy this far-fetched story.
Elaine: Then tell me why she didn’t set off the door camera when she walked by?
Benoit: If you want this to stay civilised you need to calm down and I don’t know why.
Elaine: Re-read my stuff. You lost your cool and I did not.
Sigh! Why was I even trying to catch him out in his lies? He was never going to come clean. In fact, the whole conversation with Karen and his ex made me feel as if he believed his narrative.
Benoit: The same reason this system is flawed and doesn’t tell its owner that someone else is tapped into it.
Elaine: It has never been faulty before…and if she is getting a toothbrush, why didn't she go to the bathroom and brush her teeth? Where’s the toothbrush in her hand and why does she know where the coffee cups are? You think I’m stupid.
Benoit: She asked me.
Elaine: Why is she up at 7 am when she’s there for a concert? With her boyfriend. Why isn’t she in pyjamas? Why is she up on a Friday morning in a dress? Just don’t lie to me.
Benoit: Not my problem. Send [friend’s name] a message or I can give you his number to call.
Omg his lies! He was utterly delusional with it and trying to call my bluff when I knew it was a lie and I knew he couldn’t produce this friend or messages unless he was willing to go to some elaborate scheme where he convinced the friend to lie to me, which perhaps he was.
Elaine: Okay!
Benoit: Number or message.
Elaine: Message. Just show me a picture of them.
Benoit: I will when they come back tonight.
Elaine: Take a picture of them in the house.
Benoit: Okay. This isn’t over.
Elaine: And you’ve blocked your friends on Facebook because you added her?
I was too stupid and showing my cards. But I can’t tell you how this felt like a stab through my pathetic, miserable heart.
I look at this all now as if it happened to another person and it’s pathetic and amusing but obviously I didn't think that at the time.
I don’t feel anything now (thankfully) towards this ridiculous display and all the lies except just a big eye roll. But I was gullible then, sadly. I believed the best in people. I never wanted him to smash that out of me and I still try to believe the best of people but with a little more wisdom (I hope).
Even Benoit’s sister was shocked and said the girl’s dress was ‘hideous,’ which made me chuckle. She said I should have waited to collect more information but it was too late now and assured me that she and their mother would talk to him to help me get on my feet. That promise didn’t turn out because I’m sure he spun his version of events and well, because he lied so easily, who knows what he told his sisters and mother?
Again, I was sad because he’d chosen someone thinner, driving home the idea that I wasn’t good enough.
But he flip-flopped between angry cruelty and being slightly more reasonable.
Benoit: I think you should talk to a lawyer because that’s how the divorce is going to happen and I will bring up the fact that you were spying on me and that Facebook thing. It’s all good.
You want to be uncivilised about it. I tried to be nice but this is above and beyond creepy.
I blocked how from what? Good job. You crossed a line. You need to step back and think about everything you have done and come back to me with how you want to proceed.
I need the address of where to send your stuff.
Devastated I shut up and stopped messaging him.
So are you still talking or not?
The next day I said I wouldn’t get a lawyer, but I wanted $1k/month for 18 months and proof that he’d shipped my boxes to England.
I said I hoped he’d know that a lawyer would award me more than I was about to ask. He told me he couldn’t afford $1k/month.
He was on a good six-figure salary; he could afford it but he wasn’t willing to part with what I asked for.
Elaine: Cancel my ticket.
Benoit: You are not coming back here. I am done with this. That’s a waste of money. Even if you can prove that I did anything which I did not, Minenosta is a no fault state so tell whomever is advising you that.
No one was advising me. He was being utterly ridiculous. It was as if he thought I was incapable of thinking for myself.
In hindsight, would I have been better off getting advice probably but I was just too crushed by everything. And how convenient for him it was a “no-fault” state.
Elaine: You only get a divorce if I agree to the terms. If I do not agree, I guess we will be married…neither of us wants to drag this out.
Benoit: Let’s drag it out. I am not looking to get married again anytime soon. I can go on forever for all I care.
Completely laughing. He definitely would not have been pleased with waiting it out…
He was trying to manipulate and gaslight me yet again.
Elaine: Okay.
Benoit: I have enough to deal with, especially with the accident yesterday. You want to change what we agreed on then go ahead.
As awful as this is, I felt smug he crashed his beloved Chevy Camero. Nothing serious, but obviously he wasn’t very pleased. I love how he said that I want to change what ‘we agreed’ as if I’d ever agreed to anything at all.
He dictated everything and if I tried to protest, he threatened me.
Benoit (continued): So that’s how it is, guns blazing now.
There were some more messages with Benoit accusing me of flirting with people (as he read my Facebook messages) and saying he let it go and he’d drag “every motherfucker” to court before he’s being blackmailed.
Elaine: I am not asking for a lot if you really think about it. It is a light deal. You have done this to me. You were everything to me, and your actions have meant I have no husband, no job, no car, no furniture, no things (yet), and no money.
I have had no sense of "home" for over six months, and you moved me to a place only to dump me weeks later.
That has been the cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me.
I loved you with all my heart and you know that, and this is what you think I deserve?
I followed you for your career. That was a sacrifice of earning potential, of a future that could have been more stable.
These sorts of people don’t feel empathy so appealing to his better nature was never going to work. And it didn’t. He didn’t care. He was free of me.
I'm not saying I didn't gain benefits either, but with only $500 or $600 (whatever you said) a month I will struggle to get back on my feet, and you claimed you didn't want me to struggle.
Heartbreakingly, you have turned into (or maybe always were) a person I do not recognize.
Everyone kept saying to me, don't leave before your stuff is shipped.
But you booked my ticket to Florida without asking and so quickly that that didn't happen.
And, stupidly, I told my family you were trustworthy and would ship my things. You have yet to keep your word. The first step is please just ship my boxes to England, and mail those things I asked to Florida and send proof. Please.
He did send my things eventually. They were shipped to Liverpool. More on that when I talk about Michael.
You can make $1,000 a month happen. It's not an unreasonable sum, especially after all you have taken from me. I may even struggle rebuilding my life with that amount.
We have already established I won't easily get a car or a place, but it can help at the beginning when I am job searching.
$500 will be nothing when converted to pounds.
Even if I get a teaching job, the starting pay is very low, and it won't start until September, which is months away.
You also said you'd give me half of the Pennsylvania return since you also filed taxes the way you decided without consulting me, and having my return pay for yours, and you haven't done that either.
Please keep your word.
Of course, he didn’t give me any of the tax returns at all even though he strategically made our divorce work for him in not one but two tax years but more on that later.
I tried to argue that he could help me and he said he couldn't afford it.
A few days later, I’m sure trying to placate me, he sent me $300 for my birthday. I said thank you and didn’t think he’d get me anything.
My pathetic self felt a glimmer of hope.
We had some semi-civil messages about sorting out sending some things I’d remembered I’d left, like a hard drive and a hairdryer.
Benoit: Elaine, I am not an asshole and will never become one. So I will ship your stuff when I say I will.
Hah! He was doing a pretty good job of seeming like an arsehole.
I was nervous that he wouldn’t ship my stuff, worried about the volatility in his personality, the anger, the cruelty.
I sent the odd panicked message about how our marriage wasn’t so bad and we needed counselling.
After sending the video clips to my family, my Aunt Brooke who is like detective level 15 saw that there were two wine glasses on the coffee table.
The very wine glasses and the red wine that we’d bought by the caseload to boot (that conveniently wasn’t divided).
Reading back through these messages I also saw me asking about the name of a woman, Jessica, that he’d mentioned over and over.
I’m not sure how they met or if she was the same woman he actually married next as they shared a name (more on this later) but the woman he married wasn’t the same woman in the camera footage.
I wonder if he met Jessica – or someone else – and then all of a sudden wanted to end it all.
I’ll never know.
The sob story
At some point later after I said I was struggling to sleep, he said.
Benoit: You can’t sleep and I can’t get out of bed. It takes everything I have to go through my day. I feel like I will never see the light again.
Bad things keep happening to me in a fucking row like I pissed off some higher power.
I try to keep my head high and truck through it.
Take the high road and move on but you sure as hell are not making it easy.
His manipulation, the sob story, whatever, served to temper any anger I’d feel bubbling up from time to time about the unfairness of it all. Then, I’d feel like an arsehole and unfair to expect so much.
He specifically said to his ex that he would wait to buy a house so we didn’t have to split anything in the divorce and conveniently, he’d bought the Columbus, Georgia house pre-marriage so that was that.
He had my Audi and I was conveniently bowing out of his life. The threats he made about divorce and lawyers made me feel frightened that he’d just lose the plot, move back to Lebanon, and disappear and I’d be left with nothing all over again. In hindsight, he probably wouldn't have done this but I didn’t know that at the time.
The person with the money has the power and I had neither money nor power.
Benoit said I pushed him to breaking point but the changes themselves maybe pushed him to breaking point: a new career, a move, a dying father.
Would we ever have divorced had this not happened? Who knows. I thought we did love each other deeply against the odds and despite the unlikely pairing and the mismatch of communication.
But ultimately, he understood more than I did. He knew, as he said, “you’re not the kind of wife I want” and “I love you but we are not right for each other.”
In that, he released me to have the life I actually wanted. But I didn’t realise that then and, perhaps, that’s giving Benoit far too much credit.
The official divorce
The divorce happened rather simply in the end.
It was November 2016. I went to get a power of attorney and a solicitor to witness me signing the papers. The very sweet retired solicitor said he couldn't advise on the agreement without being hired and I had no money to hire him.
I think he felt sorry for me and felt I was silly for doing it all like that without representation.
Benoit didn’t even tell me when the divorce had been official. I saw the date on the paperwork after it was mailed to me and it said sometime in December 2016.
I felt with Benoit’s threats, I had very little choice but to accept what he offered, which wasn’t all that much, but according to Benoit, his lawyer (who, let’s remember he was paying) said how he was more than fair and more than generous to me.
He liked to remind me how generous his lawyer said he was to me.
The nitty gritty
He’d timed the divorce to suit his timings for tax purposes and included line items of credit card and debit card charges that I’d supposedly spent. He did give me access to a credit card and I could ask if I needed something extra but I didn’t recognise the amounts of money he claimed I’d spent, but – again – the person with the money and the attorney has the power and I didn't question it.
I could produce my bank statements to show no such amounts ever reached my account, but what would be the point? Clearly, he had a reason for doing it that way and none of it was ever to benefit me.
I saw what happened when I questioned things (more below).
The T-Mobile bill that was in my name in Germany that we most definitely followed the instructions to cancel went into collections and is now lumped on my US credit score (Yay!).
I asked him to sort it and he never did.
I guess this is another reason I can’t live in America again. LOLs.
He took all the furniture, claimed I was getting a furniture allowance which he never fully paid, and then I had the joy of living on £500/month.
From living on double-digit thousands per month to managing on a few hundred was a bit of a rude awakening.
He paid for fuel and miscellaneous expenses like the time I had to go to London for an interview for a teaching training position that I didn't get and was utterly demoralised. I remember after another all-day interview for a flight attendant role in Manchester calling him in floods of tears and he told me don’t worry, I’m giving you this money for a year to take the pressure off.
I’ll write more about this later but it took over a year for me to find a full-time job, though I did have some small part-time ones in the interim. Let’s just say that that time was a big struggle.
What narrative did he spin?
I’ll never know what he told people about our split. If anything, I wonder what narrative he spun to his family.
He did finally ship my things and I told his sister.
She told me, “I know you love [Benny]. I think he loves you too but in his mind that is not enough. Again, I am sorry things went like this. Good luck with everything and keep us posted on your news.”
We exchanged a few more messages but after that June 2016, she never did keep in touch again and I always felt sad about that. I’d come into these people’s lives and they’d meant a lot to me and I’d meant very little in the end to them.
Final reflections
Once, when I was still in Florida before I’d moved to England – and I did delete the Blink app or he changed the password or something – I viewed the camera live, heart in my throat.
He was washing up and singing to himself. He looked perfectly happy. Boy was that a stab to the heart.
I thought he’d miss me and realise his mistake but he never would. He’d planned it and things were panning out exactly as he wanted them to.
Coming up next, how the TV programme Grantchester and ASMR gave me hope in heartbreak.
New here or haven’t followed from the beginning, catch up on the other eighty-five chapters, including why I’m writing these chapters – with the odd “present day snippet” of what is happening in my world lately and the bonus material for paid subs.
Have you ever gone through a divorce? Did you go the route of getting a solicitor or did you not bother?
P.S. Present-day exciting news for me
Now for the news that’s very exciting for me…
I actually got accepted to something after becoming very resilient at rejection (thanks,
, for your workshop on that topic).I submitted a 300-word novel pitch to Mslexia’s Pitch Perfect competition and it was accepted to the magazine! I even think they are paying me something for winning (but no idea how much but I’d do it for free!).
My pitch will be critiqued by a real literary agent (who used to work at Curtis Brown and now has her own agency – and she’s a published author too), which is kind of exciting except it could be an example showcasing ‘what not to do’ but even still I’ll learn something.
The issue will be out in March so I will share more then when I know what’s happening.
P.P.S. Want to find your next amazing read?
Just another reminder about
’s mystery book, The Man in the Wall. Thankfully Katie put it on Goodreads so I could get credit for it in my 2025 reading challenge (LOLs).Rom-coms and murder mysteries are my favourite types of reads so I’m always up for recommendations.
I’ve discovered lots of books via supporting/being fans of other people’s Substacks from
(six books including This is Fine) to (Ugly) to (three books including The Coffin Path) to (Call It What You Want) to (six books including What Happens Now?) and (How Not to Be A Supermodel – I followed her YouTube channel back in the day).I’ve been a long supporter of
from her Buzzfeed and YouTube days and I’m looking forward to her upcoming rom-com Save the Date as well as ’ new book We All Live Here.I discovered Moyes in 2015 (thankfully). I was a little late to the party as she’d been writing for many years before Me Before You made her even more popular. I don’t know how many books she has written – eighteen maybe – but I’ve read them all and am very much looking forward to her latest book.
I must have changed my reading habits and read at least a combined twenty or twenty-five books from these ‘Substackers’ alone and I’m the better for it.
Substack is such a lovely, supportive community and I’m glad to be part of it and support these amazing women who write lovely books (with the hope that one day I’ll join the ranks)!
Need to catch up on the Benoit saga? Check out the past chapters:
Whaaaat a woman?!?!?
They say that “the hand that rocks, the cradle is the hand that rules the world.” That wasn’t my experience. In many cases, if not most, it’s the hands that rocks the bigger wallet.
You learned so many (hard) lessons from Benoit that led you to greater maturity and wisdom. That, in turn, led you to Michael!