BONUS MATERIAL: 42 DAYS LATER: IS THIS THE ACCEPTANCE OR THE ANGER PART OF GRIEF?

When my first husband ended our marriage, I processed my feelings by emailing him (a very ME thing); he only bothered replying to one email

Bonus material is the original ‘source’ material shared for paid subscribers. Of course, not everyone is interested in the extras and are happy to catch up on the chapters. To get a recap of the chapters so far, click here. Currently, I’m writing about Benoit, my first/ex-husband and how our marriage ended.

Of course, I was distraught and devastated at this new development but rebuilding my life was the best thing I ever did and it led me to what came next (stay tuned for Chapter 90 when I’ve finished this present saga).

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Saturday, 2 April 2016, 42 days after Benoit ended our marriage

Subject: Things according to me…

I will give you what you want, a separation, a divorce, whatever, but do not think for a minute you gave this marriage your all.

First of all, I believe that you are under an incredible amount of pressure. You are at the lowest point in your life and you are depressed, so, therefore, you cannot think objectively, and you have acted entirely out of character, but I suppose that's somewhat expected given the circumstances.

I am truly truly sorry about your father. He was nothing but lovely to me, and the last thing he said to me at the airport before we left Beirut was he hugged me and told me I was welcome any time, even without you. It's incredibly sad, and it was a hard year and a half for you and your family, and I cannot imagine the pain and grief your mother is going through right now--and even you.

But know that I am going through this too--I have lost my father-in-law, my in-laws, and my husband.

I have moved from Germany with you. I have had to pick up my life to follow you, a life with no job right now, no friends, in a place that is new and lonely, a place that doesn't feel like home and you have had no sympathy for that.

I have not had a home since late December and I have no home to go to. I am homeless, and I do not belong in a life that I thought we were building together. But I have tried to be fair to you and not burden you with additional problems even though I so badly have wanted to discuss all of these marital issues with you, you owe me closure, you owe me conversation, and I fear you will never give it to me.

That now it will never be the right time because of your grief. Now was certainly not the time to do this even if you felt that a text pushed you over some ledge I had no warning about. You have completely turned my life upside down and destroyed it. I feel I have even less now than when I came into the marriage.

Secondly, when we met, I had three jobs, a good credit score, I had my own finances--as meagre as they were I managed and things would improve--and I was working on getting to where I wanted to go. I had also only just the July before graduated from grad school. We met in September or October. So I had been out of grad school for two or three months. What leaps and bounds did you expect me to make? Many of my friends from my program are in exactly the same boat I am now--adjuncting and barely making it, working several jobs--Kristy is finishing her PhD and doesn’t have a job yet, but I--for the first time--in Minnesota was going either to get a career in publishing, or I was going to go into teaching, which has retirement benefits, time off, and a really good income ($50k or more per year and that increases each year).

That seemeed like a good income to me back then an Dr Kristy went on to become the DEAN of her university which is AMAZING!

Either of which would have created a steady income for me to contribute financially to the marriage, and allow me to pay off my student loans too. So, we meet, I have three jobs. I teach Fall and Spring at CSU and GMC, and work at the Law Office, but he doesn't need me after December, so Summer hits and I can't teach at CSU until the Fall again, but we will be in Germany in the Fall, so I get a tutoring job, and then I get a job at the gym.

I do all I can to help out even if it means working a gym job that is mind-numbingly boring that doesn't finish until 11.30 pm. Then my classes at GMC also don't finish until 10.30 pm, and I am just tired, but our relationship, and later marriage is working anyway because you're loving and supportive, and we do household tasks together. We do and fold laundry together. We shop together. We clean together. Sometimes we grab a bag of salad and a rotisserie chicken from Publix and we cobble together meals even though we are both tired. You don't make me feel inadequate in any way during the stage. We throw dinner parties. We go out. We have fun.

What we should have done when we moved to Germany--or even before we married--was outline our expectations for each other and discuss them. Get on the same path with long-term goals and finances. Discover what was truly important to the other person. For me, it's affection and love and being with family and travelling. For you, it seems to be family too, but also just working and earning money.

Money is your end goal in everything. I value comfort, but amassing money isn't as important to me, but it doesn't mean I wasn't willing to help you reach your goals too. I know you didn't like travelling as much as me even though you enjoyed it and it has created some of the wonderful memories we had together, but that was the only time we were going to get to do it, and I knew it. I wanted--like many of my friends--to take advantage of it whilst we had the chance.

And when we moved there it was hard for me even though I'd looked forward to it. I was in a slump. I had no family and friends, and it took me time. I packed up all of our Columbus house and put all of our German house together for you within a week. I tried. I really did. And I know for a fact I did cook meals. I remember planning meals because I had nothing else to do than go and shop and wait for you to come home. It may not have been every day; I'm not sure.

I also do not think our house was a dreadful mess even though you represent me as such. And if you simply had a problem with shoes or tissues, why didn't you stress to me how important that was to you because it wasn't a big deal to me, and I really didn't know that it would be a marriage breaker.

Despite what you think, you never ever clearly expressed yourself to me and what was super important. You yourself left things lying around. You'd never move your beer glass from the coffee table to the sink. You left change upstairs. You piled your dresser with clothes. You left the Army room and often the Rose room in utter messes when you'd return from the field, and I would tidy up those messes.

These were the names I assigned to the guest room. The “Army” room being where he got dressed and kept his uniforms and it had green bedding and the “rose” room had bedding with florals and a red chest of drawers.

So you were allowed to leave things everywhere, load up the dining table, leave messes in the garage for months, but I wasn't allowed to leave things around? Even though I maintain our house was never terrible. The cleaner helped tremendously and I thought you were happy with that arrangement too. But I still had to tidy in the week so it didn't eliminate everything, but it did take off a lot of pressure, since, unlike in Columbus, you didn't work on doing things with me anymore. I did the shopping alone, putting the laundry away alone, and when you stopped doing the dishes, those alone too.

I’m sure we all know how much time domestic labour takes and how it’s often underappreciated.

You say I lacked ambition in my job, but of all the ladies I knew in Germany only a handful had jobs that paid well, and that was because they had specific skills that I didn't have--accounting, nursing, medical information knowledge--and three of those ladies worked jobs they had in the states.

Everyone said how hard it was for a spouse to get a job, but I tried. I took not just one but two jobs. I was exhausted. You hated that I complained, but it's easy NOT to complain about your job if it's your dream career.

[Nurse neighbour friend 1] loves nursing, but she still complained about how miserable she was in the clinic. [Other friend 2 who later became a nurse] had a high-powered job and complained too about all the problems she had. [Friend 3 who now works for Wikipedia] complained about her job and her coworkers. [The commander’s wife, friend 4] left her job because she felt superfluous. [Other friend 5] complained. Even [accountant friend 6] sometimes complained.

I gave examples of six women Benoit respected and it didn’t even matter. Even influencers and actors complain and they, arguably, have some of the best jobs in the world. Most people have off days. And most people work jobs that don’t light them up, unfortunately.

Even if you enjoy a job, complaining is normal, and it's especially normal if you don't enjoy it. You even complained about your job, so why was it such an offense for me to complain? I may have complained but I still did the jobs. I still went to work, and because I always put the money in your account--an account I had no access to or no card--I had no idea how much I was making. I didn't know when I got paid. I didn't know what we made at all. You never told me.

I really did try and ask a few times and was always dismissed which is very sus.

I was not included in financial decisions and discussions that would have allowed me to see how to improve financially to meet both of our goals. You claim I should have sought this information myself and asked you, but we had an arrangement you seemed to like where you controlled everything. I had asked to see the accounts to know more about things, but you weren't willing to be transparent.

You just yelled at me when things weren't good, but then things would improve and I just never truly knew where we stood with anything, and I do feel I earned some money and had a right to choose where to spend some of it.

You would order whatever you wanted online, but I would ask you before I spent money or did anything unless it was cash you gave me. You never once said, look, you've spent too much this month or this week, but could you just live on $100 this week? I would have done it. You just got silently angry at me, and that never helps.

Lack of communication destroyed things. Double standards destroyed things too.

Pretty sure this is called financial abuse.

I always felt like nothing I ever did was good enough in your eyes. You made me feel low. You made me feel unattractive, unsuccessful, and like a failure--as if I never lived up to your standard. In contrast, I always praised you and built you up, and, despite all this, I have not said a single bad word against you. I haven't bashed you. I haven't sullied you. I haven't debased your character. Can you say the same? Have you said a single nice thing about me to anyone?

I have just spoken to friends because I am so utterly shocked at this whole situation. It really hit me like a train. I never ever expected you to treat me like this. I always built you up. I told you daily how I found you attractive, how I loved you, how I was proud of you, how you were smart. Maybe you didn't appreciate those compliments, but, to me, they go a long way.

If all you hear is negativity, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy--you fail--but if someone supports, loves, and encourages you, that seeps in too and that person can thrive. I needed love, support, kindness, and encouragement. I didn't need to be treated like a naughty child. You needed to treat me like a partner you respected not someone whom you thought was beneath you, always failing what you told them to do. Our dynamic certainly needed to be fixed on that front. You didn't speak to me with kindness and respect. You ordered me around like I was a child or soldier.

Uh, I’m so sad for past me who put up with this garbage. Be nice to the people you care about. It’s really not that hard.

Then the worst offence of all is that I was going to be in Florida two weeks, and you have so little respect for me, that you couldn't wait for me to return two weeks later to tell me things were over IN PERSON face to face.

I send some innocuous texts about my day and about Michelle's baby [my cousin] being born, and instead of saying, Look, I'm busy. I take my phone into meetings, please stop, you ignore me. And I thought you left your phone on your desk because you don't tell me about your job, how did I know? You only told me the next day that you kept your phone in meetings for clients and that my texting bothered you. Why didn't you say it when I sent you the first text? All of this could have been avoided. That's all it would have taken. But instead you just ignore me. Completely ignore me. For hours. And if I had done the same you would not have taken kindly to it. It was completely and utterly insensitive, and wrong of you.

My mum has to say that to me sometimes that she's busy when I text her during work hours. And instead, you let a few texts be what destroys our marriage, and what's worse, just like every other problem, you tell me things are fine when they aren't. You don't talk it out. You ruined my time with my mother. I thought staying longer would give you space and give you time to think, but it only solidified your resolve even more.

Yep, he didn’t give a shit about how I felt about anything.

I have put my future on hold to follow you around in your career. I have worked to fit my life plan in with yours because you have made all the decisions. Let's not mention how you didn't even discuss the fact you were leaving the Army with me. You decided everything, and in a partnership that was utterly disrespectful and unfair. I did the best I could given the tools I had, but you will never see that. It's easier for you to see me as someone who did everything wrong and you as blameless.

You have chosen to end our marriage for reasons unknown to me. Our problems were fixable.

We could have learned to communicate better--maybe through marriage counselling--lots of marriages go through this make-or-break stage.

I then gave five examples from friends and family, couples we knew and what they overcame which I won’t publice here, of course, because this is my story and their business is their own, naturally.

But, clearly, you aren't one to work through things. Maybe you've never worked at a past relationship before. I don't know because you didn't tell me about them. I guess you threw in the towel before things could be worked on.

I could have cooked more since you come home at noon and around five thirty--regular times unlike with the Army. I could have done more cleaning, and our finances would have improved without travel and by sitting down and budgeting together, and by my eventual job. We could have worked on doing things together as a team and partnership, like a marriage was supposed to be, but, as much as you say you tried, you gave up before things could really improve.

I saw Minnesota as our opportunity finally to settle and figure us out. I wanted to find a steady job that I enjoyed. I wanted to contribute and to support you through this transition and this difficult time, but you threw in the towel before we could work through any of this.

I did see it as an opportunity to figure things out but also like a prison, so it really did work out for the best. Of course, when I was in it I didn’t see it.

Maybe we have fundamental and cultural differences, but there is no perfect match in the world, and we could have worked on learning to understand each other by accepting we are different, but that not one person is right or wrong.

You often saw me--I feel--as all wrong, and you all right, but that's not the case. I thought we loved each other, and love is rare, and, goodness, we've both dated enough people to know that it's not easy to find a spark in people. We had a nice life together, but that doesn't matter to you because things got tough, and life couldn't fit in black-and-white boxes anymore. Life is very, very grey. Nothing at all is black and white, nothing is dichotomous. Stress is also a common part of life, and you cannot simply give up when things get tougher to deal with. Those are the true tests of character.

You never communicated clearly what you wanted or expected of our marriage, and, therefore, you set me up to fail.

He said he complained about things and I ‘should have known.’ Fuck that kind of ‘communication.’ Don’t settle for people whose style of communication is ‘mind reading.’

I accepted you for you. You wanted to turn me into whatever it is that you wanted, which was both unrealistic and unfair. You work with a partner; you don't work fundamentally to change them. And I was working all the time to improve and change in ways I felt were important. Were you working to try and change in ways I felt were important? You were very good at that in the beginning of our marriage. If I said something, you really took it to heart and worked on it, but I don't think you worked at all towards the end. You knew what was important to me--because I unlike you made things more clear--but you didn't care because you felt your needs weren't being met. Maybe not realising that in meeting some of my needs, your needs would get met too.

Uh, yes, the basics of partnership.

Things worked in Columbus because we were in the early stages of marriage, but also because you didn't try and control me. We worked to make each other happy. We worked as a team, as partners, and over time we stopped doing that in Germany, but you were gone so often it never felt you were there long enough to address anything, and you saw my trying to address things by having arguments.

He could only handle the honemoon phase because he only wanted to try to impress me for a certain amount of time and then I had to cater to him and only him and not vice versa.

I am not a dramatic or argumentative person. I like peace just as much as you. I want always to be spoken to with kindness and respect, so hurtful words and arguments aren't my thing. Thankfully, we never flung nasty insults at each other, but I was trying to address things, and you never ever wanted to, so you say you tried, but you did not. When things became difficult, you just did not want to deal with it, and it was easy for you to blame me and blame that I was not what you wanted.

He never flung nasty insults at you? Didn’t he? Well, no, he just chipped away at your very core – and implied you were lazy, unambitious, ugly, overweight, the list goes on…

Despite what you think, I am not an unambitious slob who is incredibly messy. I just had yet to discover the career opportunity that inspired me because I had been following you around--which I was happy to do because I thought we loved each other, and that you wanted to work on our marriage for life. And in doing things as you now have you have broken all of your promises to me. Just in January in England, you were saying how you believed in being married for life, but given a first test, I guess you don't.

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