#74 THE GUY I WENT ON A DATE WITH AFTER MEETING MY FIRST/EX HUSBAND

An absolute gem of a guy who came along at the wrong time (like so many before him)

Life is funny in its coincidences and idiosyncrasies. Why when I had already met the ‘perfect man’ (Benoit) did life keep throwing other men at me? Was it a test? A sign? Further proof that there was something very wrong with me in my mid-twenties? All of this!

To give a mini recap around this time, I had ended things in a New York hotel room with Captain Thor and went on dates with a few new people (including Captain Cambridge) but suddenly Benoit came into my life. He orchestrated our meeting (see how we met) and took me on a first date.

This is supposed to be a lineup of men! Check out that 90s splendour.

In an email to Noah or Starbucks Guy #2 (AKA one of the hottest men in all of existence…besides my forever husband, obvi), I told him enthusiastically that I started seeing someone, listed all of Benoit’s accolades, accomplishments, and talents, and said the following right before Halloween:

I think he thinks too far ahead and wants to get really serious and I'm trying to emphasise casual, so I'm not sure if to "see where it goes" or just end things now before feelings get hurt. Hmm. I used to rush into everything will all my heart, but now I'm more cautious – well, I discover that now I am – I guess there's only so many times one can get hurt and still love and feel with such wild abandon and I think that's kind of sad that as we progress we lose the ability to feel wholeheartedly. And the person I love next deserves that, so until I'm ready for that, I don't think I should really date anyone seriously. Maybe this makes sense? Maybe it doesn't. 

I suppose my idea of not taking things ‘seriously’ was agreeing to go on a date with Air Force Guy (AFG), whom I’d dated when I was in graduate school. He drove to Columbus to see me from where he was presumably living in Atlanta, but read that post for more details. He crashed at my place, which was probably not the brightest idea.

Boy-girl sleepover. In my bed. What could go wrong?

So, for context, I met Benoit in late October 2012 and agreed to a date with AFG in early November 2012 (about three weeks later) and slept with him (AFG and not Benoit just yet). And then, that same week, a Friday this time, I went on yet another date with the guy whom this post is about.

I remember the date and the guy (or snippets of the date) but nothing concrete about him, not even his name.

Why did I sleep with AFG when I was dating a perfectly lovely potential new person? A) I was hedonistic and had always found AFG hot so ‘couldn’t resist’ (Was I like a creeper man here? “I swear I just fell into her!”) and I had not yet slept with Benoit (also not sure why); B) I’d known Benoit 16 days and I’d known AFG for years and my fucked up logic was that it was always better to revisit old bodies than add new ones to the count; C) I was horny; and D) I grew up in the Bible Belt – and as open about sex as my Mother was I couldn’t exactly ask for a tutorial on masturbation – so I never knew or tried to get myself off.

I didn’t watch internet porn (which was geared towards the male gaze anyway) and I didn’t have girlfriends who could give me a ‘how to’ either and sex toys were taboo back then. The closest I had was the odd shower accident. This problem will crop up later in my marriage (not sleeping with others but being desperate for sex and miserable about it).

At this point, I remember only a few things about this date but he was handsome in a lean, tall, clean-cut, all-American kind of way. The kind of generic blonde or dirty blonde guy you’d pass on the street and think was handsome but not in a tongue-lolling out-of-your-head sort of way. 

I don’t remember if we’d met on OkCupid but we must have done. He was yet another US Army officer (like Benoit and so many before him) but I recall he’d had a career in something else – maybe as a scientist or a chemist – before becoming an officer and at dinner, the conversation was enthralling. I’m not kidding. I recall having a good time but I generally am inclined to find people fascinating. He took me to an expensive restaurant (a theme I see). I love food so that is always good although in hindsight perhaps very unfair when I wasn’t wholly available.

I was very busy that week getting two expensive and delicious meals from AFG and this guy. I was a broke adjunct English instructor and legal assistant so what was a girl to do? And, to be fair, I always offered to split the bill (even if I hoped people wouldn’t take me up on it).

Again, we had a really lovely date. Despite not recalling his name, I have a vague recollection of his face and smile. After dinner, we went for drinks at a bar in downtown Columbus, Georgia and sat at the bar on bar stools. He told some kind of joke that involved ketchup packets and magic – with the punchline being that my hand splatted in the ketchup.

As another aside, I found an email that Hot Jewish Doctor had sent that week, too (a whole year after I’d dated him and pined after him) in which he sent me Risky Business-style pics of himself. No wonder I was confused! And clearly very busy. I’d always been super obsessed with Hot Jewish Doctor so this did not bode well (and he’d also feature in my confusing beginnings with Benoit). Poor Benoit.

Hot Jewish Doctor was so much hotter than Tom Cruise but TC has never been my bag.

Also, the whole “Hot Jewish person” is very on-brand this season with that hilarious new show featuring Adam Brody and Kristen Bell and I hard relate to her character; however, I hope I’m not such a Fleabag but I really may have been…but obvs the character is acting from past hurts and traumas (guilty).

Really Benoit should have cut and done with me at the beginning (I’m sure he wishes he had) instead of making me fall for him and devastating me – shattering my heart almost four years later (LOLs).

I was clearly a walking red flag but what about Benoit? Whilst I was having this lovely date, getting ketchup smashed on my hand, being walked back to my crappy red Mustang by said date, my flip phone was utterly blowing up with texts and calls from Ben.

Later he said he felt something ‘was off.’ Why, yes, I was on a date with someone else, but I never did admit that part. Your Spidey Senses were good, Benoit!

Should I have been worried? I mean ‘normal’ people don’t demand this level of intensity after a date or two and under a month of knowing each other, right? Especially when there is zero sex involved. I didn’t know what normal people did because I wasn’t one, so I thought, ‘Aww! How amazing. He’s just super into me.’ 

I should come up with more creative titles: When Two Red Flags Combine: A Love Story.

But I was still in my rose-tinted-glasses phase. This phase would last a really long time. Probably even after he broke my heart. Really, in my mind, he was the best thing I had dated because he knew what he wanted and that was me (until it wasn’t)! And falling from your pedestal is hard work.

So, what did I say to the absolutely lovely guy I’d gone on a date with? No, I didn’t ghost him this time (not like the Firefighter neighbour). I told him that I’d started re-dating someone from my past, which I thought would somehow soften the blow like, ‘Oh, I’m involved with someone I already knew so you can’t compete’ sort of thing.

He maybe thought the ketchup packet thing ruined the date and that’s why I didn’t see him again. It was nothing to do with ketchup! I had thought that bit was quite funny, actually, besides having to go and wash my hands!

I legitimately – even all these years later – feel badly that I went on a date with this guy and let him down because he was really lovely and I have a pervading sense that we had such a good date.

Anyone currently dating: sometimes people don’t choose you and it really has nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with their own shit and baggage. I mean it might be to do with you if you pick your nose on a date or are really rude to your waiter but other than that… But that logic probably applies to everything. Karens (who want a rebrand) at the supermarket. That snarky person at work. Everyone’s snappy behaviour is about them not you.

I felt bad about the whole thing because I didn’t want to be like, um, I was dating another person and decided to choose him over you and it didn’t make sense for me to agree to a date anyway unless I was doing it for free food. And was I doing it for free food?

Just like in the whole Hot Jewish Doctor versus Auburn Art Professor situation, I chose one person over another and there was nothing wrong with the other person. In fact, the other person would probably-definitely-maybe have been a healthier choice. But my therapist is all about how I made bad choices because I wanted someone who was impressive and I wanted someone who gave me a familiar sense of the chase, which seemed exciting and dangerous.

Was Benoit giving me this sense of intensity I had with High School Sweetheart (HSS)? Maybe! HSS had been so suffocatingly into me. He wasn’t a bad person or uninteresting and I did truly love him (I am so glad he was my first love) but found that whole thing to be too much and then we created this whole toxic situation that I couldn’t stand until every ounce of care had been wrung out from me. I couldn’t feel after that.

And then Benoit was so into me he was willing to ensure that I could not have contact with others even! How romantic! Given my naughty history, this was perfectly reasonable. Because, you know, I told him all about everything because I always thought revealing everything about yourself to someone you’re dating is the best policy (obviously, some things don’t change).

I saw this lovely date guy again, months later after Benoit and I had gotten engaged. I was with Anna and Annie at some kind of downtown market stalls in Columbus, Georgia and I’m not sure if he recognised me but we smiled at each other and that was that. This poor guy lost out on whatever he paid for the date.

Coming up next, house buying and engagement: that time my ex bought a house, we got engaged, and the red flags I should have noticed if infatuation hadn’t gotten in the way.

Don’t forget to check out the other seventy-three posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing these chapters in the first place – with the odd “present day snippet” of what is happening in my world lately. (Spoiler: things are much, much better.)

I don’t even have a question! Sigh! So many red flags. Did you ever ignore red flags but not realise they were red flags until years later?