BONUS MATERIAL: THE ONLY EMAIL MY FIRST/EX-HUSBAND RESPONDED TO
One month after my marriage ended – what did he have to say?
Bonus material is the original ‘source’ material shared for paid subscribers. Of course, not everyone is interested in the extras and is happy to catch up on the chapters.
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Currently, I’m writing about Benoit, my first/ex-husband and how our marriage ended.
Of course, I was distraught and devastated at this new development at the time – hence the pathetic emails trying to salvage something not worth saving – but rebuilding my life was the best thing I ever did.
Monday, 21 March 2016
Subject: Thoughts…
I have no idea what has been happening in your life this last month. You don't tell me. You don't open up. You don't even communicate with me at all. But you never have made an effort when we are apart to let me in on your day.
Even when you went for interview and I made a simple request for you to snap a picture of your outfit, over and over again you didn't do it. Even simple requests for things that were important to me have never been important to you: telling me about your day, keeping me in on your latest thoughts and ideas, nothing but darkness. I, on the other hand, have always kept you informed about my day-to-day activities to try and keep connections alive over distance, but you never tried.
I’m sure being self-rightous was the way to win him over again.
I've written this over a few days, but didn't want to send it because I didn't want to add to your plate with your father business – although, again, I have no idea how you feel about that even. Are you sad? Did you say what you needed to say? How did the visit go? Did he tell you he was proud of you? I guess I'll never know.
Anyway, out of the blue you text about landing. I'm not sure why you even bothered there.
He probably didn’t even mean to text me.
And then I get a message from [a mutual friend who used to date Benoit’s friend, Joe – the one who I was originally interested in written about here] asking if you've spoken to me. I know we are friends with [this mutual friend], but it's weird for you to message her. Are you hitting on her? I don't even know, and then to say that A) "She talked to everyone" – who is everyone?
And am I not supposed to talk to people when you're breaking up our marriage over a text message in to me what was out of the blue. You may have been unhappy for a long time, but you didn't express anything to me and you never gave me the opportunity to work on things because you never talked to me.
Don't I have a right to talk to friends when I am unhappy? Just because you do not talk to people doesn't mean that's how I am. You don't speak to me for the better part of a month, I have no idea what will happen in my life over the next year, and you seem bothered that I am talking to "everyone."
And B) you say that I said I wasn't willing to change? What the fuck? I recalled sending an email to you not long ago expressing in the last line "Why can't we try and make it work?" in an email I had outlined my perspective, and I guess that is just ignored.
I also asked you to respond back and you never did and I wrote that on the 26th February so you had plenty of time to reply or call me or sort things out or tell me where I stand. And, furthermore, I wrote an email back in November when I was FIRST aware that things weren't going well, and you said WHEN YOU GOT BACK you'd talk about it, and did you?
Fuck no you didn't. You never ever wanted to address our problems, so how can I read your mind? How can I change? How do I even know WHAT to change? And it's pretty damn insulting if you think what I need to change is being better at cleaning, cooking, and laundry because if that's all a wife is good for, why not have a housekeeper instead?
What stage of grief am I up to now? Anger back to despair and sadness? Bargaining?
I married you because you knew what you wanted – or seemed to – and now it seems like you don't know what you want at all. I guess you really want things to end, but except a conversation three weeks ago, you haven't talked to me about it again. Remember, nothing will make you happy before you make yourself happy. If you think that just chucking me will instantly solve your problems, you're naive. I suppose I have been kidding myself thinking we were mostly happy when we weren't. We had some nice moments but that's it.
You think you are infallible in everything. That everything you did and thought was "right" and everything I did was wrong. I cannot live like that. You didn't respect me. You spoke to me in a way I didn't like, and when I asked you to say things kindly you'd get exasperated and say, "I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around my wife."
What does that even mean? If I spoke to you like you were a piece of shit, you'd think that your asking me to be nice to you would be me "walking on eggshells"? You respect your mother. Would you ever speak to her the way you have spoken to me? You felt nothing of screaming at me at the top of your lungs until your eyes were bulging and spit came from your mouth. I cannot be around such a temper. I have never ever ever spoken to you the way you've spoken to me.
And why did I want this marriage again? Remind me someone?
Another thing is I realize that I lived with constant criticism. When you'd come home, you'd only ever notice things I didn't do and not what I did. I never did enough. I'd ask for praise on what I had done – because I never promised to be inclined to housework – and you'd say that I didn't need praise for doing "normal" things.
Not this old chestnut again. He was never going to see it. You could scream it, Lainey, and he was incapable of hearing. To him, you failed at everything. I’m glad you threw away his measuring stick. It was pretty shite anyway. He didn’t even measure up to his own standards…
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I love my engaged readers and I’m happy to reward you as such. Best wishes, Elaine.
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