#71 THE LAWYER THAT NEVER WAS

Another connection that never happened but whom I think of fondly – also, what’s up with the recent internet drama?

Am I too old but what’s all this ‘demure’ and ‘mindful’ thing about on the internet lately? Also, the whole Blake Lively takedown. I was a fan of hers from loving Gossip Girl back in the day – and also Cafe Society, The Age of Adaline, and A Simple Favour – and then not loving some other things she’s been in like that shark movie Michael made me watch but we were probably both watching for Blake Lively in a bikini with the hopes of the shark winning. 

She had good PR as the sweet, kind, energetic-puppy, down-to-earth millionaire who baked and had amazing style and who also happened to be married to Ryan Reynolds where they both were hilarious on Instagram but also flogged a lot of products like gin and sodas, which I never have tried but look interesting. Has anyone ever tried them?

I also read the Colleen Hoover It Ends with Us book to see what all the hype was about and although it’s not typically my thing, I enjoyed it okay and I think it was good to deal with the topic of domestic abuse. Plus, I’d love to publish a rom-com myself so I’m not belittling anyone’s writing or popularity. She’s laughing to the bank and she earned it.

Now I’m seeing that horrendous interview pop up where Blake was a full-on mean girl to Norwegian journalist Kjersti Flaa but Parker Posey was also in on the “you can’t sit with us” action. I didn’t see this interview at the time but it’s in poor form when there’s a big power and money dynamic discrepancy to look down on some poor journalist who has been sent to interview you. Also, I was a dick ten years ago so I guess it could be that. We grow, change, and evolve from our twenties to our thirties but what is up with this whole thing? Please weigh in in the comments. 

A little thought

I’m quite proud of my roundup of men from my past – not because I had so many (doh) but because many of them are mega-successful and well-off now – and I was lucky to know them when I did. Yay for them! Many have families. They are lovely people. Others of them I’d rather forget (and vice versa) but I’m sure they have evolved as humans as I’m certainly not the same person as back then. Thankfully! 

Are there more seasons of How I Met Your Father because I only saw season one but it was cute?

But they’ve all shaped who I am, my idea of love, sex, marriage, companionship, friendship, whatever. There were some I probably didn’t pursue more seriously because they seemed too nice, too easy (my therapist says this is falling into patterns of chasing abuse or something, blah blah, because it seems fun and exciting over the more predictable and safe choices). I swear I had nice, supportive, loving parents so I must have gotten fucked up from the whole toxicity that was high school sweetheart (HSS), DJ, and Married Professor and then the spiral continued from there (I am kidding? Ish?). But, thankfully, I got healed by the time I met Michael. I was willing to accept this gorgeous gem of a man into my life. (It didn’t hurt that he had abs for days and stunning green eyes. I mean changing is a slow process.)

Is this Grey’s Anatomy because I never saw that? But people loved it!

I used to treat some nicer, attractive men as disposable, thinking that they probably didn’t have feelings and they wouldn’t get hurt by casual sex because they were men. Men treat all women like objects, right? Obviously misguided. It makes total sense that our brains are still underdeveloped until age twenty-five and then another wave at thirty.

I hope future twenty-something-year-olds are kinder with people’s sons than I was and that some young men now are kinder with people’s daughters, too. We are all people and need kindness and compassion! But I think each generation is getting better in some ways, healing from the past. Media is changing. We are becoming more aware and I love that for society – as long as we aren’t bringing back toxic masculinity.

Not on board with putting men or women in boxes!

The lawyer that never was

Now back to our regularly scheduled content. The next chapter of Why We Met.

I met The Lawyer on OkCupid in July 2011. We will call him Diego. His name sounded more Italian but that will do. He was an Assistant District Attorney at the time, prosecuting criminal cases. (Just did a Google search to ensure that he remains anonymous even sharing that detail. Phew!) 

I guess my ‘winning personality trait’ was self-centred douchebag – who also studied literature and was snobby about it?

The only problem was that I was in Valdosta, Georgia (my grad school town) and he was in the much cooler Savnnah, Georgia (as in kudos and not temperature, Georgia was all hot all the time – hyperbole, of course – we had nippy [to us] Autumns and Winters), a three-hour drive away, and I was a very broke grad student with an unreliable car. This dilemma also sort of made things hairy with the Scandi Lit Prof that one time. Plus, I was super needy in relationships and needed people to be under a ten-minute drive from me.

For once, I won’t share every message we exchanged but he was intelligent, engaged, and interesting. He discussed literature with me, common interests, his job, moving to Savannah, and asked thought-provoking questions. I was clearly also in a lull and trying to get over some ‘situationship’ thingy and maybe that was Red Haired Sex God but I don’t even recall now.

I told him I was new to OkCupid, which I was: 

I usually meet people ‘organically’ so I've not had much luck. I really only joined because I was having a tough time with the person I was casually dating a few months ago. We're still on/off, but for my health, I need to remove myself from the situation – a case of I'm more into him than he is into me. 

A case that also proves yes, I really was that stupid and yes, I really did know what was going on. Why did I want the people who time and time again showed me they didn’t want me back, even if they did occasionally hook up with me or throw me a bone to string me back along? To be fair, I repeated this behaviour to others but let’s hope they weren’t as idiotic as to pine for me the way I pined for others.

I continued in my diatribe that could have, perhaps, become country music lyrics if I’d talked about wrecking my (nonexistent) truck, getting my dog run over, and having to bury my great uncle in the same week.

I drink way too much lately. I blame it on grad school. I didn't need much alcohol in undergrad – the occasional weekend was enough – but now I drink more than I don't (sadly). Except this week because I've been at the beach staying at my uncle's. 

I don't really like the phrase ‘organically’ – I was being tongue in cheek. I can see where this would be helpful to find like-minded people. There certainly aren't enough like-minded people in Valdosta for me. Though I find one can fall for anyone; it's all circumstantial. One finds the people one is surrounded by; however, sites like these allow one to meet people who aren't in one's immediate vicinity. Okay, so I've used the impersonal pronoun once too many. 

Or all the times too many. I was very much not the Queen.

Yeah, I've been seeing him since December, but he gave me free rein to see other people, too, so I do. I'm just not really all that interested in the other people I date as more than friends. You seem like you could entertain me. 

Oh my goodness me! I was such a mess. This must have been that ‘lost summer’ that included the Hot Turkish Guy and my Bosnian Neighbour (of the ‘International Boys’).

So a few snippets from him: 

I grew up in San Antonio, but where I call home is where my parents and siblings live now and have lived for eleven yrs, which is in Pennsylvania. I got a good job here last November and moved here for it. Prior to that, I didn't really have a permanent job since graduating law school in May 2009. I like Georgia. I lived here for three years after college and enjoyed Atlanta, which is why I decided to take this state bar exam.

What is it with my finding of people who are from Texas, live in Texas, or moved to Texas? I can’t get away from the State that Haunts Me.

He also said:

I love unique backgrounds. My dad is from Mexico and my mom is from Pennsylvania, so that's my background. But I'm a reformed hippie, a slacker-turned-lawyer. That's much more interesting than the part of my heritage which makes it easy for me to tan.

He messaged some questions which I answered which also included things like did I like heels and also Vidalia onions. I was game for both. Paula Deen is cancelled but if you want to hear how this type of onion should be pronounced the proper ‘Southern way,’ watch the beginning of this video. I think, incidentally, she lives in Savannah, Georgia.

We were both Geminis (maybe that’s a lethal combo?) and our dating-site compatibility was 91%, which he said meant either I was ‘strange’ or ‘awesome.’ I’ll go with ‘strange.’ He was about five or six years older so had done remarkably well in that short space of time, especially for a ‘hippy-turned-attorney.’

He was one of those people I felt instantly I could talk to about anything, even though some of his messages had a flirty undertone. He was tall, handsome, tanned, with a white smile, deep brown eyes. Plus, he wore some killer suits. But also t-shirts and sweats. He was successful, funny, intelligent, and all the good things. What was not to love? But somehow it didn’t ever work out. I was going in a different direction, trying to find myself, and he was already established and living somewhere else (much like Starbucks Guy #2 from Texas who I’d meet later that year).

Even though he asked for us to meet up halfway for a date, we never did meet up in person but we remained flirty friends for a while. I celebrated his wins and his promotions. He helped me with random things like cover letters and improving my CV. We chatted on the phone from time to time. We talked about the people we dated.

Once – and it’s funny how fate works – just how I randomly saw the handsome Chinese doctor (Dr Hudson) thousands of miles away again in Germany, I once went to a restaurant in Savannah with Captain Thor and we spotted each other from across the room, both on dates. We smiled and went on our way. That must have been 2012.

Don’t worry! Yes, my dating timeline is as confusing as the Marvel one. Even I can’t keep up! We messaged again a few times when I was newly engaged to my first husband and he was seeing someone seriously. We had both moved on with our lives. We didn’t message again after that until last week!

In more recent years, he moved back to Pennsylvania to be closer to his family. He has his own legal practice and is doing well. He never married or had children, but he seems happy with his life and I love that for him. Equally, he’s glad I finally found my happiness, too.

Coming up next is how I met my (ex) husband, AKA the fourth person I met at Starbucks, plus some bonus material I found about The Kind Captain and our early messages.

For paid posts, I tend not to email them to non-paying subscribers just because I sometimes find it annoying a post lands in my inbox that I can’t read (also

Barbs Honeycutt

said something along these lines and I agree – check out her Substack because her anecdotes are hilarious). A few posts about my first husband will be free but most will be behind a paywall to protect his privacy because we are no longer in touch but, like all my past peeps, I hope he’s doing well.

Don’t forget to check out the other seventy posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place – and the odd “present day snippet” of what I’m up to lately.

I seem to have had too many of these sort of ‘meaningful internet connections’ or ‘random encounters that were potentials that led to nowhere’ but have you ever had anything similar? Of course, I have ‘no ragrats’ on any of it.

I’m where I am meant to be and so are they. In fact, I was such a total mess back then that I’d have inevitably thrown some people’s successful trajectories off course and vice versa.