#40 THE AFTERMATH AND MY INSECURITY OF THE HOT SCANDINAVIAN LIT PROFESSOR

That time I pleaded my case for a second chance (why?) – as you can guess, I didn’t handle it with dignity and poise

Even though I managed to write ahead all the way to post #48 the week before last, life threw me another curveball. 

I had these grand plans to finish a “chapter” per day so I could race ahead to my next project (starting my first novel) and then January (yes, seemingly the whole month) has been one big setback.

First, with the tragic and sudden passing of Derek, and, second, this past week (and ongoing) with my father, Reid (or Lyndsay as he prefers to be known) becoming critically ill, unable to breathe unassisted. 

I thought we’d lose him; he’s only 70 and that thought was devastating. I moved back to England to live with him before meeting Michael and I’ve enjoyed the years of weekly visits – and our little summer day trips.  

Last Tuesday night, Michael and I had to make the tough decision to call an ambulance against his wishes (and on the advice of my sister Jae, my advance clinical practitioner cousin Pam, and Jae’s mum, Jean) as we could see he was even more unwell than usual – and looked like death warmed over with the death rattle breathing to boot.

Happier times with sister Jae at cousin Pam and Dave’s wedding.

For the past six days, as there has been lots of driving back and forth to the hospital, stress, worry, and lack of sleep, I have not had a moment to focus on my side project. 

Thankfully, I’ve had the loving support of my husband, my sister (Jae), and our paternal aunts and uncles (Sheena, Jane, Jeanie, Paul, Nick) – and all of those family members and friends I’ve messaged to keep in the loop and who have been so supportive (thank you). It’s been a tough week and I’m still not mentally (and physically) recovered from the drain of grief, worry, and hope. 

That time Father rocked a mullet…

My father will have a long path to recovery and he’s still in the hospital but he will recover and that’s a comfort. I can’t wait for him to be home, hopefully for many years yet.

And, please, 2024, I’ve already had enough of the “surprises” so let’s just keep February calm, alright? I truly hope you, oh readership, are having a better start to your year.

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If you haven’t read the first part of this story, read post #39 here about the hot Scandi Lit Prof who dropped me like a hot potato during Spring Break 2010.

Back before Dr Henry and I had slept together and he came to visit me during Spring Break, he’d said he’d been sexless for a while because he was picky. I said I was selective but I’d dated a guy on and off from December to January. Now, I have no idea who that person would have been. ATC maybe but that doesn’t fit the timeline of hanging out at Halloween? That didn’t count as dating either. More casual hookups and pining on my part but maybe it had lasted until January as evinced by that message exchange in the previous post where ATC got fed up with me and annoyed that I didn’t want to “cuddle” after sex. Or maybe it was Theo. And I hadn’t started dating Dorian until after Henry – and Theo, Charles, and Bramwell came after that. 

So, you know damned well if I sent this pathetic email to Dorian after dating for half a year, imagine what shit I sent to Dr Henry (sigh) when I was trying to win back the idea of him.

Cue another pathetic email. He was with me for certain on the 19th and 20th of March but I’m not sure if it was that Sunday, the 21st that he left in the middle of the night or if I kept a lid on things a little longer. He was texting about Girl Scout Cookies on the 17th of March and it seemed like he was driving then so that may have been how I fit in cooking for him, driving to north Florida for him to meet my mother, going on two outings with friends, seeing a film at my house, sex a few times, and the Grand Bay walk. Let’s say, I lasted anywhere from two to four nights – a shit version of Shahrazad (Scheherazade? Let me know in the comments how I’m meant to spell it). I’d have been beheaded way before we made it to 2.73 years (One Thousand and One Nights and all that).

And now I have to brace myself to share this email because really this takes pah-th-etic to a new low. But that was me: neurotic and dating in my 20s.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010, 4.21 pm

Dr Henry,

Put simply, I’ve made a mistake—a HUGE mistake—and, for that, I’m very sorry. What I said was utterly ridiculous. How I prefaced what I said (by bringing up the fact that I didn’t get the vibe you were into me) was utterly ridiculous. I can’t believe, on the whole, how utterly ridiculous I was and I’m not sure exactly what got into me. All I know is that I’m pretty sure that’s the farthest I’ve ever rammed my foot in my mouth, EVER. And, although you probably think I’m a little on the mental side, I’d like to explain myself in the best way I can.

Yes, you were a lot on the mental side, Elaine. FFS! Insecurity and toxic first loves, amirite? Maybe I never did get over the headfuck that was my first relationship and every subsequent disaster (except Michael). Damn! 

Everything he did at first demonstrated he was into me. Reading to me in bed, having great sex, buying cookies, driving five hours. Sigh! Read the room! 

First of all, I really really really like you. And, in an effort to make sure that you also liked me, I absolutely over-analyzed everything instead of just letting things be. Your swimming lesson anecdote was absolutely spot on; I should not have tried so hard. To be truthful, I usually don’t try so hard, but, then again, I usually don’t like people as much as I liked you. And being in such a vulnerable position was difficult for me. I wanted everything to be perfect—I’m quite the idealist—and I reacted and overacted to every situation. 

I don’t remember this anecdote but, seriously, this man had a strong reaction to stuff that he maybe shouldn’t have because he was a much older adult man! But yeah, trying so hard is never attractive. Also, did I really like HIM? Or the idea of him?

Re-evaluating everything that happened and all you have said to me, I now realize how very very wrong I was. You never gave me ANY indication whatsoever—in fact, everything you said should’ve led me to believe the contrary—that I could not trust you. For example, you were honest to me on the phone about your marriage and its breakup and the reasons and so forth. You told me innumerable details about yourself, all honest details, some of which you could have easily masked, but you didn’t.

Hmm! I totally forgot all these details that he’d been married before.

Whether you believe it or not, I didn’t act like myself for some of the weekend. I’m usually happy-go-lucky and not at all the sulky, miserable person as I behaved with you. I feel embarrassed by both my actions and words. For some reason, I’d gotten the notion—a notion which stemmed more from my fear than any concrete evidence—that you didn’t like me. And, then, everything that happened, how I interpreted those events after I’d gotten such an idea was coloured by my unhealthy mindset.

We used to have access to FREE therapy in grad school. I really did need to go. Not that I ever did then.

Darcy told me the other night that when I’d left the table at her party she asked you if you liked me and you said that you very much did. Brittany said we had obvious chemistry and you seemed really into me, too. (Of course, she told me on Sunday or Monday after I said that I had worried you hadn’t liked me. She told me that I was blind and that you couldn’t have seemed more into me. She also mentioned she was concerned that I wasn’t my usual, cheery self during the whole Starbucks night as well). So why was I stupid enough to think you didn’t like me? I really don’t know! Why would someone who didn’t like me ask me to be exclusive? …ask me to make fish pie a “regular” menu item—if you didn’t like me there’d be no “regular” anything? …tell me that you’d like to come back? …tell me that you’d like to be there on my birthday? …meet my Mum so early in the game? …bring cookies for me? …give a signed book to my sister? …plan to go tubing with me over the summer? …plan to spend lots of time here in the summer? …invite me to a conference in October? Oh, and the list goes on!

When you met me, I seemed confident and fun. And, truth be told, I project that image quite well, but it’s merely a projection. Or, rather, I can project that most of the time until I start to feel insecure. When I feel comfortable with someone, I’m fine, but since things were new with us, I wanted reassurance that you liked me before I got too invested (but I hadn’t realized that I was pretty invested already and, when I felt you didn’t like me, it made me really quite sad).

Oh I was sort of self-aware AND I was still pathetic. OMG! I really had problems. No wonder men saw me, maybe thought they’d want to date me, and then when they got to know me ran as far as they could. Nothing about any of this was attractive.

Without trying to make myself sound pathetic, I’ve really only dated [HSS] long-term with a few people spaced in and out between (during our on/off breakups) and after. In other words, the relationship experience I’ve had was rather unhealthy and I never had to invest in anyone because I’d always had [HSS] as a backup in the past. Naturally, now I don’t have that and this whole experience is new to me. [HSS] and I dated since I was 17 for about four and a half years, which is a large chunk of my adult life. [HSS] was very possessive and very clingy. And, I suppose, I equated clinginess with “like.” He constantly re-affirmed that he “liked” me by being so clingy, so I—although I didn’t realize this until now—have been led to believe that if someone isn’t all over me all of the time, that they don’t like me much, which is absurd. (Darcy pointed this out to me.) This lack of clinginess also made me feel rather neglected and disliked by people I’ve dated since because they didn’t demonstrate their “like” for me in the same way [HSS] did, of course, since it’s absolutely unhealthy to demonstrate affection in that way anyway. So, as much as I didn’t think I had “baggage” from my past relationship, I do, and I need to learn the difference between what happens in a “healthy” relationship versus what happens in an “unhealthy” one. And from now on, (though I do seem like I come with too much baggage even for myself) I’ll definitely be willing to consider things more carefully with a more discerning eye.

You work on you, girl! Stop this madness. Move on and try to love yourself. Cringe fest 5,000.

[HSS], during our relationship and after it, successfully lowered and boosted my self-esteem at the same time and managed—along with another experience—to make me distrust men. [HSS] would tell me things like, “Guys only like you because you’re hot; they just want to fuck you.” Or, if I was dressed nicely, he’d say snidely, “I bet you think you look good in that? No one will ever want you because no one will put up with your shit”—sort of implying that I was too quirky for people to like me and so on. I’m extremely trusting of my friends and many strangers, but when I get more emotionally involved (i.e. romantically), I find it hard not to be suspicious of people’s motives and I know that this is a terrible quality.

Additionally, the affair I had to break away from [HSS]—or for whatever reason—made me distrust men even more and made me feel like all men cheated. He was cavalier and had cheated on his wife innumerable times and it made me feel very sad to think that I’d never be in a faithful relationship. I’d also observed several male acquaintances not batting an eyelid at cheating on the girlfriends they seemed to care so much about. Also, whenever [HSS] would sleep with someone else (during one of our “separations”), he wouldn’t just tell me up front; he’d tell me details piece by piece, and, sometimes, it would be weeks or months before all the pieces came out and, each time he added more to his original story, I’d feel utterly betrayed and hurt all over again.

“The affair” being married professor. I really, really needed therapy. I can’t even with this pathetic email…It’s soooo embarrassing to share.

So, what does this have to do with you? Well, even though you’d given me no reason not to trust you and every reason TO trust you, I had the flickering thought that maybe you were deceiving me, maybe you really had driven all this way just to “fuck” me, to be crude. Remember, I sent you a text message in which I rationalized that 250 miles would be an awfully long way to drive for a fuck buddy? Well, that stemmed from my insecurities. Should I have kept that ridiculous thought to myself? Absolutely! And, if I could, I’d take it back. No hesitation. And not just because I screwed everything up by saying it. I was just rambling, unthinkingly. Sometimes I have no off switch and I just say things (but it is quite rare). And you weren’t responding and you were looking at me like I was insane (which I must have seemed) but I was only trying to gauge if you were into me and then I kept rambling, each time making myself seem more insane and ridiculous.

Was I insane? Were we both insane? Years later, when Brittany and I discussed it we kinda surmised that he may have been a bit bipolar. 

My comment was offensive. Extremely offensive. I would have been offended by such an accusation as well. I think I did preface it, however, that it was a fleeting thought. And I felt a bit (a lot) anxious by the fact you’d told me that you’d had a panic attack and felt you wanted to take off whilst I was sleeping and, even though, you’d said that you’re just like that and it would’ve had nothing to do with me, I would have felt as if you didn’t like me and that it had everything to do with me (which you did acknowledge). I had stated over and over how I was concerned for my health and that getting an STD was one of my worst fears. Again, when I said what I did, I was iterating a crazy notion that had BRIEFLY crossed my mind and never intended it to have such a reaction. I didn’t really believe that’s what you had done, I was just speaking through my fears. Everyone has absurd thoughts—like imagining the escape route for a room on fire—things that you don’t wish to come true, they just flicker through your mind and, often, they are absurd thoughts that mean nothing.

Here’s why, young people, you should always insist on protected sex or get tested first or you could have a nutso thought spiral like I did. And this guy was here having a panic attack. But it’s very lucky (and a miracle?) I never did have an STD. 

I usually think I’m pretty perceptive, but in order to be perceptive, I need to know someone a little better. I made some crazy assumptions that needn’t have been made. I acted so UNcharacteristically like myself that I feel like a prize idiot. Everything I feared would happen (your leaving and not coming back) happened because I completely misread everything. Now, looking back, you constantly affirmed the opposite of what seemed to spill over at the end. It’s hard to get to know someone and, I think you were right, I was trying too hard. As I said before, with other people, I’ve always let things just happen because I was never very much invested, but ever since I met you I really liked you and felt we had such a connection and, in ensuring that you liked me and trying to read into everything instead of just being myself, I drove you away (literally).

LOLs “prize idiot” was a line from Love Actually. 

Finally, I still like you, even though I was very much hurt by your decision to leave that night/morning. I hope you made it home safely and with little trouble. Again, I’m very sorry. I hope you will accept my apology and reconsider. 

Ugh! How pathetic. It’s like I’m asking for a do-over at a job interview in which I vomited over the interviewer's desk instead of, you know, what dating is for (supposedly): finding a life partner. But I didn’t approach dating as “life partner” gathering back then. It was just “not being alone” and someone who I enjoyed having sex with – who was also hot arm candy preferably.

If you want to forget the weekend (or move past what I said) and try again, starting over, I’d be more than happy to do that; However, if not, then I wish you luck.

Thanks for your time,

Elaine

Everything about this email is cringeworthy and pathetic but it did explain the depths of my insecurity and why I acted like a nutjob too.

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Monday, 22 March 2010

Darcy, 10.34 PM: I love you. You're beautiful, and everything will work itself out. Smile. :) 

I’m certain I didn’t show any restraint and there’s no way I didn’t message him on the Tuesday as well. But no primary evidence exists to confirm or deny…except the long email so I must have shown restraint and not after the email.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Dr Henry, 4.05 PM: I'm away from my email. I had a good time. I really think you should eliminate [HSS] from your life. He's murder on your self-esteem. 

Dr Henry, 4.36 PM: Glad – for your sake – to hear it. 

I’m guessing I told him I was cutting HSS off. Spoiler: I didn’t do that until I was fully immersed in Dorian. He had a “good” time after all that? Talk about mixed signals.

HSS as a reminder.

Now I sent him some text messages…for good measure…

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Elaine, 12.18 PM: I assume you're busy, but since you haven't replied to me, I was wondering where I stand. I know I messed up, but I wanted to know if you were planning on giving me another chance or if I should just write it all off? I know I should wait for you to contact me according to those sorts of unwritten rules––and since I've tried to contact you so often I've violated some––but it makes me sad to think that I won't see or hear from you again, especially since last week you called me constantly and I liked that. I hope you're having a good Spring Break.

Elaine, 10.23 PM: I can't figure out if your phone is off or if you're simply ignoring me, which is rather cold. I know I messed up but I tried to make your weekend nice. The least you could do would be to tell me if you want me to leave you alone. If you'd like to see me again, I might be able to swing a trip to see you soon.

Him not answering you, Elaine, is him telling you to leave him alone. Rolls eyes.

Friday, 26 March 2010

Dr Henry, 9.58 AM 'Vodka and Thinking of You' ...excellent blues album title. Just got back into town and checked my phone. I don't fault you for really anything. Honestly, though, I want a Christian girl. Call me silly and primitive if you like, but I've seen much and I believe in God. So I guess that's where I come down on the matter.

Dr Henry, 10.29 AM Yeah. I know it's rare to find academics with faith...most of us put so much stock in ourselves that we refuse to be lower than anything else in the universe... But not me. 

But oh no, there’s more: I kept GOING.

Elaine, 11.00 AM: Why did you even come to see me if you knew what you were looking for already? I don't think I surprised you with my non-belief. I told you on the phone. And, even though, sure, you gave as much of yourself as I gave to you, but my numbers were low and I shouldn't have regrets, but I certainly didn't expect this outcome. Did you think I lacked morals because I did sleep with you? I'm just a little confused. No, I'm not religious but I think I'm basically a good person. 

Where I stand? Smacks head. He said he couldn’t handle your “atheist” self. 

Elaine, 7.02 PM: No reply? I expected more of you than such an excuse. Via text no less. You did ask me to date you exclusively and there seemed to be no problem. And I do understand we are fundamentally different so this is for the best but how does one switch from seemingly liking someone a lot to disliking them very much and then not being kind enough to respond to them? I would've liked a reply to my email. Or a call. Instead, you leave me in limbo for a week and since I liked you, naturally, I was upset. You seemed like a decent guy but this is pretty harsh. I do take people's feelings into account despite my not being a Christian. And now it's likely you think I'm mental for saying this to you but you did upset me and I wanted you to know for all it's worth to me––though it's worth very little to you. I'm so utterly baffled as to why you even bothered to drive the distance. But I suppose I shall never know. 

Oh all the feelings of rejection! The sting of the early infatuations.

Dr Henry, 7.05 PM: I drove to get to know you. The longer I stayed, the more pessimistic and impatient you became. That coupled with your atheism was enough to drive me away. And now your negativity is only making things worse. I liked you, but your insecurities are more than I can bear. This whole thing was a self-fulfilling prophecy. You were so Hell-bent on me not staying that I didn't want to stay! 

Fair assumption. Insecurities are a lot to take on for anyone.

Elaine, 7.10 PM: I think your text cut off partway through. I'm not pessimistic at all. I thought we'd had some laughs. I'm just hurt. That's all. I know neither is what we expected. That's life. But I didn't expect to be cut off and then have the religion card thrown at me. I'd like to think I wouldn't have so many friends if I was such a pessimistic bore. 

Elaine, 7.13 PM: For some reason, I can't see the end of the texts. Can you please just call?

Dr Henry, 7.11-7.16 PM: I didn't 'throw the religion card.' I am not atheist and I'm not going to ask anyone to change to date me. During my visit, I learned how devoutly atheist you are and I decided that I didn't like that. But be atheist and be happy. I'm not commenting on the theological rightness or wrongness of your or my beliefs. I'm just saying that your beliefs are not something I want in a girlfriend. And as for 'being hurt' you'd better believe that crack about me knowingly coming into town to give you an STD surely did hurt. 

Dr Henry, 7.17 PM: I'm not in a talking mood. I won't answer.

Talking on the phone. Cousin Pam would be proud of past me. I have no recollection of what I did and said that made me seem so sullen and “devoutly atheist” but I would not let it rest…

Elaine, 7.18 PM: Admittedly my trying too hard made things worse. I had an insecurity spell but I'm cured. But ok. Fine. I hate that I seem so needy and pathetic to you. Devoutly atheist makes me sound like I worship darkness. I'm the one who's into sunshine and puppies and all that remember? Ha! I simply don't believe. I didn't realise I rammed it in your face.

I was not cured of my “insecurity spell.” Rolls eyes. I’m sure my lack of “fuck you if you don’t like me” throughout my dating life hurt more than it ever helped. Everyone loves people who are unapologetically themselves and confident. 

In fact, one of the Gorgeous Tennis Player lot was absolutely beautiful and despite that many people were jealous of her and she was sometimes a little ostracised but she totally did not care. She dated a gorgeous French tennis player at the time and lived in her own world. She had confidence for days and the fact that she’s an award-winning real estate broker in Dubai now and has a mysterious love child and doesn’t give a fuck tells you everything you need to know. 

I wish I’d been more like her (but also she did look like a Victoria’s Secret model). But also there are people who are confident, brilliant, and amazing who don’t look like VS models so obviously being “gorgeous” isn’t the secret to living your best life and all that malarkey. 

Elaine, 7.22 PM: I said that it was a crazy thought I'd had. I didn't really think that. I'm just overly cautious about my health, which I consider a good quality. 

Elaine, 7.24 PM: Yeah I figured you wouldn't. I'm not really in a talking mood either but it might help clear things up. Always good for me to know both sides. I wish you'd have given me a second chance at least. The experience did allow me to clear up a few things about myself and come to terms with them. 

Elaine 7.32 PM: Once this blows over, do you think we could at least be friends? I did enjoy talking to you on the phone. Yes, I'm very sorry for the STD crack. That was ridiculous. Sorry again. 

Dr Henry, 7.29 PM Yes, we can be friends. 

No, run, Elaine, run. You don’t want to be friends with this man. Pathetic. You’re even more pathetic and that’s saying something. 

Darcy, 11.41 AM (no confirmed date): What an ass. He certainly didn't act like a Christian guy.

Darcy, 11.39 PM: I'm drinking with [Dr Luke]. What are you doing?

Please tell me someone…anyone, can relate to this madness? Was anyone as utterly pathetic as me at this age? Just me then? Eek!

Dr Henry as a reminder.

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After that, I moved on to Dorian, The Stella Adler Academy Actor (which made my insecurities worse…great), and then Theo, Bramwell, Charles, First Kiss, Johnny, Patrick Bateman, and so on, learning lessons every time. Of all my terrible qualities, I’d like to think I was fairly good at learning lessons. I did become less needy and less insecure after these experiences. I say “less” because self-esteem issues have plagued me all my life (even if most people probably didn’t know that about me).

I have some other Valdosta, pre-Columbus people to come: Mr Target, my neighbour of “The International Boys,” and that one Air Force guy. And then all the Columbus people stories (five I slept with and more I didn’t). I already shared Captain Cambridge, though, so have a read (it’s a BIG story…but not a long read).

I look back at photos of myself and think “Why didn’t I appreciate how I looked?” And then I compare to now and think “I’ve let myself go” and then in ten years, I’ll look back at now and think “Why didn’t I appreciate how I looked?” The difference now being that I have a stable, loving partner, who does not feed my ego or give me compliments. He shows me love. I’ve had to learn to self-soothe and self-regulate because confidence and security come from within and no external validation can fix the insides of us. We have to do that healing work ourselves (cue therapy).

I never had a shortage of attracting men (not to sound like I have or had a big ego because clearly I didn’t – cripplingly I didn’t), but I did have trouble keeping them because I was neurotic AF.

Next up, when Dr Henry came into my life again. AGAIN! A year later…and what became of him…

Don’t forget to check out the other thirty-nine posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place – and the odd “present day snippet” of what I’m up to lately.

Have you ever been as desperate as me to get someone back? (Please tell me I’m not alone at being this pathetic. This Substack has spent a lot of time displaying how pathetic I was with men. LOLs or cry face? I can’t decide.)