#87 HOW GRANTCHESTER AND ASMR GAVE ME HOPE AFTER MY MARRIAGE ENDED
Some people are a window, a vision, of the kind of life you can have
Do you ever feel that some people are meant to be in your life even if it’s only for an hour or two? I felt that way when I met Sharon on a cold day in a Starbucks in Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, which is a suburban city outside Minneapolis-St.Paul.
I don’t even drink coffee so it’s funny how much Starbucks seems to have featured in my life, but unlike in the UK, Starbucks was always quite a cosy place to hang out in towns, a place you could go for hours when you needed to use your computer and have a cup of tea.
I found Sharon somehow on some friend meetup thing. She was in her early 30s, gorgeous, part-Japanese and part-Puerto Rican, an accountant, happily married, but wondering if she’d have children or if she wanted them.
I was twenty-eight and my life had just blown up.
Initially, I was trying to make new friends because I thought I’d be living in Minnesota longer than half a year (a turbulent one at that), but somehow her friendship, however brief, was a comfort to me and a sense of hope.
She had a kind aura about her. I think we only met up twice but on our second meeting, she bought a book for me she’d recommended. I saw a message exchange where I’d hoped to meet up with her again but my ex had conveniently booked a flight for me to Florida (right before my birthday) and it never happened.
Like all long-distance friendships or those people you meet at airports or on vague nights out in your twenties, I see her photos on Facebook. She and her husband did go on to have a beautiful daughter. And I hope more than anything she’s as happy as she looks.
Solo cinema and lunch dates
I remember during the in-between times – the times Benoit wasn’t meeting me for lunch – going to a lot of films by myself in the day, feeling as if everyone knew I was so alone in the world (which was ridiculous – no one cares) and taking myself for meals (again, feeling self-conscious).
Now I do lots of things alone and I think this early time primed me to realise that it’s actually beneficial to know that you can do things alone and who decided going to the cinema was a sociable activity anyway? Sit next to each other in the dark and eat snacks without talking? Not so sociable.
Quick recap: I’m Elaine (or Lainey), a British-American editor by day and writer in my spare time.
For now, I’m writing about my ex/first husband, AKA the fourth person I met at Starbucks, Benoit, a Lebanese-American former engineer turned US Army officer turned back again into an engineering project manager for a company in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where we’d moved from Germany after meeting in Columbus, Georgia. Long story short, whilst I visited my family in Florida, he ended our marriage via text. See Chapter 82 for a bit longer recap and that story here and if you want to read the whole thing, start here at Chapter 72
How Grantchester saved me
Michael jokes about my man crush on James Norton of the original Hot Priest fame in Grantchester. It’s a bit Agatha Christie but instead of Miss Marple or Poirot, you have a hot, struggling, kindly priest (okay, vicar) as your detective in the 1960s alongside an actual detective as well. The whole cast is funny and charming. And who doesn’t love a murder mystery? It gives me Phryne Fisher vibes (another great show).
Hot vicar sometimes even takes off his shirt.
Plus, there’s a subplot with an unrequited, complicated love story. Sidney Chambers (hot vicar character) loves his friend Amanda so deeply and watches her live her life from the sidelines.
I imagined a world in which I could feel that sort of love, a world where someone so kind and wholesome loved me that much.
Spoiler: I could and I would be.
I remember watching this show, binge-watching it, when I was in Minnesota in 2016, dreaming that I’d find a similarly hot Englishman someday.
Spoiler: I did – but in Yorkshire not in Cambridgeshire.
But escaping to this world in Cambridgeshire was just what I needed then. It gave me a mindless diversion. Like all great fiction, I was sucked into this world and my problems melted away.
I was too listless to read. Too tired even. But this television show gave me something like hope for a future I didn’t know yet.
Of course, James Norton is exceptionally talented and he went on to gain fame from Happy Valley, funnily enough filmed in our neighbouring town of Hebden Bridge. Shame I never spotted him – although unlike the charming vicar, he was reviled in the show.
ASMR
Another thing I discovered at that time was ASMR.
ASMR for those who haven’t heard of it is autonomous sensory meridian response where you get “tingles” from listening to “triggers” which can include whispers, mouth sounds, tapping, button pressing, listening to rainfall, and so on.
Michael doesn't get it at all and so many people absolutely cannot stand mouth sounds, whispering, microphone noises, or anything of the sort, but I found it oddly comforting.
I must have watched hundreds of ASMR videos before I could fall asleep, usually the shorter ones.
It’s even so popular that they get celebs to do it.
There’s something vaguely sexual about it, caring even, but I experienced the head ‘tingles’ and that was a little zap of pleasure in a world that felt devoid of it.
Let’s face it when you’re depressed and feeling sad, discarded, and with your self-esteem on the floor, sometimes you can seek comfort in a screen or a tiny light of friendship.
Coming up next, moving to England on my third anniversary. Yes, my ex booked the plane ticket specifically for that day. How kind of him!
New here or haven’t followed from the beginning, catch up on the other eighty-six chapters, including why I’m writing these chapters – with the odd “present day snippet” of what is happening in my world lately and the bonus material for paid subs.
Have there ever been any sort of “odd” things that gave you hope or reassurance through difficult times?
Need to catch up on the Benoit saga? Check out the past chapters:
The story of the fourth person I met at Starbucks begins at chapter 72 and goes to chapter 87. The new chapters about my current husband will begin at chapter 90.
