#41 THAT TIME I WAS A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT: THE SECOND ENDING OF THINGS WITH THE HOT SCANDINAVIAN LIT PROFESSOR
#41 THAT TIME I WAS A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT: THE SECOND ENDING OF THINGS WITH THE HOT SCANDINAVIAN LIT PROFESSOR
I got back in touch, we flirted…and things turned “ugly” again…and what became of him
In 2011, I moved to Columbus, Georgia. The previous posts happened around March 2010. Around February 2011, Dr Henry came back – or rather for some odd reason – I messaged him again. This was a full year after our whole exciting conference flirting meet-cute and the Spring Break debacle. I think we messaged on Facebook at first. I was lonely and I clearly had forgotten all that had transpired between us in the interim of all the people I’d stuffed in the in-between spaces.
Here are the first two posts, if you haven’t read them already. I can’t help but think Dr Henry would be proud of himself that I’ve devoted three “chapters” to him and roughly 11,000 words (eek! Yes, I know I write too much.) I wish I could be one of those sleek, wonderful writers who condenses things into 2,000-word chapters and I promise I’ll do that when I write a novel because those details will be entirely made up and not winding and complicated. Life is winding and complicated and in my past life (and probably my present) filled by so many people that I don’t have time to write about them all (friends and other “characters” shoved to the side).
I randomly messaged Dr Henry on 28 February 2011. In my chats, which I had to search for, he is listed as “Facebook user” which I think either means he has no FB profile anymore or he blocked me long ago…
Elaine: Do you know of any teaching positions opening up for the summer/fall in the Atlanta (or any other) area?
On the 7 March, he sent me some resources and said he was applying to a school in Maine. He was living in South Carolina, teaching there. I asked him why Maine and thanked him for the resources (I think it was a higher ed job listing page).
Messaging two months later
I didn’t message him again until May 2011 when I tried to strike up a conversation telling him I was listening to his podcast episode and he said, “Huh, crap! you know my nerdy secret podcast.”
I told him his name popped up in my feed and I saw the link to his podcast. I asked if he had more as I remembered it being interesting (telling him that he seemed knowledgeable about snakes and it was impressive but I’d not have a pet snake myself) and asked him how he was.
And two months later (again)
Then, there were no messages until 29 August where he messaged me to say he tried calling me on my birthday (which was in June so maybe he got the date wrong?) but my number said it didn’t work. I think this was before phone number blocking so it can’t have been that. I said it was odd and that I had the same number and thanks for thinking of me.
I randomly messaged him “Hi” a few days later in September. All of this was painfully slow obviously and I was clearly distracted or busy not to engage in my usual clinginess. Had I learned?
We exchanged the “how are yous” and he said: “I am well. Tired, but got a lot done. Still at office working. That's the best part about being a single young professor. Plenty of time to work.”
My current love for “work-life balance” would not align with this very American sense of work ethic. I guess it didn’t then because I said that sounded “awesome” with a winky face and said that I was a “single, young instructor” (not professor because no PhD) but I hated working at the office – I always used Starbucks as my office because there were more cups of tea and more people. My office was shared with Brittany and had no windows and strangely had the faint smell of urine as if the previous office occupier had been all Howard Hughes and just couldn’t leave the office because he or she was just too busy to do that with the #professorlife. Long before hashtags were a thing, mind you.
He replied that he didn’t necessarily like it but the job had to get done, he wanted to publish again, and he wanted tenure – and all those goals were easier when you worked seven days a week.
Getting flirty with it
I changed the subject and said, “on a tangential note…I really wish you were here to fuck me.” He replied, “Me too.”
I was clearly not dating anyone and wanted a flirty message exchange from someone, anyone. I mean he was good looking but did I want to open this can of worms again? Clearly, the answer was yes or I wasn’t even thinking straight. Or both.
I don’t know if I had “internalised misogyny” or had this notion that if my numbers got too high I was a confirmed “slut” (thanks, Bible Belt upbringing) but once I’d added someone to my “numbers” and had already slept with them, I figured it was not like adding a new person, so if the mood struck, I was never against revisiting people from the past. I mean, we’d already gone there hadn’t we? I knew what to expect and I knew his “in the pants” situation already and I vaguely knew his personality (which maybe should have made me just leave the whole thing alone). Why not sleep with him again?
But if I’d had someone to shake me back then I’d have them say, “Elaine, this whole thing is exactly why not…” but it was a lesson I’d really, actually come to learn later (thankfully).
I said I think I may have killed my phone (my good old Sony Ericsson Red Flip Phone) but I hoped not because it was my lifeline. I said (flirtily) that the phone also contained a “really hot picture of [his] cock” to which he said, “Too bad you hate driving. Pictures just don't do it justice. Mine must have been one of the better ones of your life, huh?” Ah men and their egos. Remember when I said that I’d observed men who were well endowed loved to show them off as evinced by First Date (with Cowboy) and Captain Cambridge? #bigdickenergy
And I told him not to flatter himself (was I getting more confident?) but he may be in the top five (I honestly probably couldn’t recall). I said that it was sad that I didn’t sleep with people who had small penises and I guess we had an exchange about girth being better, not too long, and thin and long being the worst – and that I liked big but not too big. #cringe
Also, that conversation is embarrassing, yes, but in light of a recent piece I read from
entitled “America’s small dick joke problem” and how damaging these types of jokes and conversations are on men, it really made me think. She notes, “jokes and jabs about small dicks and/or ‘small dick energy’ represent two things progressive people are ostensibly quick to decry: sex shaming and body shaming.” And as someone who spent lots of life being perpetually insecure and feeling like I was “too big” (i.e. too big of a frame and having breasts that were overly large), I get how these jabs can be damaging. I didn’t actively ever make fun of someone for being lesser endowed but I certainly didn’t try to date anyone long-term who didn’t meet my usual size requirements.
Dr Henry told me I needed a refresher course and I said I did as we didn’t “do enough to let us really flow together” and he agreed that things had been “truncated between us.”
And then, instead of referring to the notes that I clearly had in my Gmail (as evinced by the last post – but had maybe forgotten about), I had the audacity to ask him “What happened there? What went through your head?” Like, I clearly had hit the MIB zapper and had amnesia or I was desperate or both?
Dr Henry: You disbelieved most of what I told you. You said you thought I had come into town to give you a disease.
Elaine: That's not what I said. Haha! I was just kinda worried. Because I'm careful, etc. But I did have a kinda freak out, but it wasn't to do with you and I didn't disbelieve you. I liked you. I guess I was worried you didn't like me and I said that to Brittany and she thought I was crazy because to her it seemed like you liked me, etc but I was insecure and, well, I've grown up a lot since then.
Had I grown up a lot since then? I’d grown up some but not maybe “a lot.” Click here for my favourite Hyperbole and a Half comic about the “alot monster.” Oh, Allie Brosh, you still make me laugh.
Dr Henry: We're all insecure. Humans are about the most fragile thing there is.
I sort of said I was shocked he got upset and just left but that I didn’t really remember much detail and I said Brittany was reminding me the other night and I’d forgotten that I’d driven to Darcy’s afterwards.
Elaine: It was all a big misunderstanding, I suppose. Communication wires getting mixed up, which is rather funny for two English majors.
Dr Henry: Well, there was a lot of alcohol involved. I don't drink. Do you still?
I said that I did on the weekends and not every weekend (it was probably every weekend). I also said I didn’t remember there being a lot of alcohol then.
Arranging to meet again
I reiterated that I wanted to fuck him and said we should meet in Atlanta. He said I should drive to him because Atlanta would cost a lot for both of us with hotels and I said South Carolina would cost a lot in fuel. I was very poor at the time teaching at three universities. (Seriously, they paid adjunct instructors probably less than minimum wage. It seemed like a big chunk but when you divided how long it was meant to last and how many hours you actually did, it was probably a quarter of a fast food worker).
He said he’d pay for my fuel. I said I had to see. I think it was because my car – the crappy Mustang that would be instrumental in meeting my first husband that next year – was on its last legs and I had no money. He took it as an insult that he drove five hours to see me (in his brand new massive SUV or pickup back then) but I wouldn’t go to him.
He asked me to pin down a weekend. I said I’d let him know – and maybe in a couple of weeks. He said he’d be out of town one weekend and at a conference on the other so I tried to confirm that the 24th onwards (of September) would be okay and he said “yes, ma’am.”
The “slut shaming” lecture
I said I’d been going longer without having sex but it drove me crazy sometimes but I sometimes had regulars – and this timeline could really only mean Sargeant and the sexy Jewish doctor (more on him another time). He said he’d been sexless for a while and was picky. I said I’d dated someone from December to January but I no longer slept with exes as that got too messy.
Dr Henry told me he hated protected sex so he had to trust people to be monogamous with him – so the people he slept with were few and far between. That may or may not have been true but I did say I did protected sex and got tested regularly – I did get tested regularly, at least, and did use protection with most partners.
He told me, “Casual sex and lovers who have casual sex is really kind of scary as hell to me…”
“Thanks for the lecture,” I replied.
And then he lectured further saying that “See, AIDS, herpes, and crabs can get past condoms. I don't trust condoms.” Is this like the line men use about being “too big” for condoms but in this case it’s too many things can get past them? LOLs.
I said I didn’t have to worry about crabs (no pubic hair) but I did have to worry about herpes and AIDS but I was safe and careful and slept with people I trusted.
Then he was just flabbergasted at me and he didn’t “know what to say.” What in the slut shaming is going on?
I asked if he was suddenly un-free after the 24th and he said no, he just didn't know what to say so I changed the subject to ask how his first day of classes went.
He said they went well and the “kids seem good-natured and brighter than I had been led to believe.” I said that always seemed to be the case with students and that people often berated their intelligence but they were often fine. He continued, “Most of the people who berated the most were not good teachers, in my estimation. I've got a few that'll be duds, but others should be able to do good work.” I replied some people aren’t cut out for the industry and said I probably wasn’t either.
“I think if folks don't want to help their students, or they seem antagonistic toward students, they're gonna have a harder time than folks who like their students and want to help them. I used to think I wasn't cut out for it,” Dr Henry replied.
We talked a little more about academia and then he asked if I had a digital camera and could I make films on it – and that I ought to make him a video. I said no go on the video and that pics were one thing but I wasn’t about to “perform” to myself.
He asked my phone carrier and he was on Verizon and I was on ATT and he said texting would be too expensive to message too much. I said I had unlimited texts but he didn’t. I said he could call. These were the days when if you weren’t on the same phone carrier, your bill could really add up and if you didn’t have unlimited texts that was another expensive mistake.
I am sure we exchanged phone calls because we didn’t FB message or text that I recall (or that I have recorded).
Where things got “ugly”
In October 2011 (remembering this was all on and off from February that year), Dr Henry said, “I think the sudden and silent way you dropped out of my life was in perfect keeping with your character. I was important and your top pick until someone new came along. Nothing fundamentally wrong with that. Happens every day. But to not even say a word. To dirty talk and dirty text me, to listen to me orgasm over the phone and disappear without so much as a word is exactly what I’d expect from you. You wouldn’t make the drive to SC even after I made the drive to Valdosta that time. I drove to V because I liked you. I left because of the way you treated me. I very much hope you get everything you deserve out of life, Elaine.”
I wouldn’t have said he was my top pick but he was good-looking… I wonder why my “listening to him orgasm” was the final straw of the whole exchange.
“Incidentally, I got dumped,” I replied.
He found that very funny.
Elaine: I'm glad you revel in my pain. You also didn't make a point to contact me. It's not like you were texting me every day or anything. And I don't think your assessment of my character is accurate, [Henry]. Again, you don't live in my immediate area. I was trying to get settled into life here and it's not like I thought, "You know what, Elaine, [Henry] will do until something new comes along." That was not my intention. I enjoyed talking with you on the phone; you're fun to talk to. I never said I wasn't willing to make the drive. I just hadn't settled on a good time.
Henry: Bwahahaha!! But I did try to contact you, Elaine. Or don't you recall? I asked what had happened. I asked why you disappeared? I asked. And I really knew what had happened. And you did say you wouldn't make the drive. You complained about how you hated being in the car and said you'd meet me in ATL but no further. You found something more convenient and you dropped me because of it. As I said, deeply in keeping with your character. And he left you, hahahahaha! That's deliciously ironic. I got dumped recently too. Not really dumped, just used. So it’s all cool.”
I was shocked at his response as it just seemed unnecessarily unkind and I was feeling wounded after being dumped (by the doctor I’m guessing).
Elaine: Well, this one I did not see coming. He seemed really into me and then all of a sudden he wasn't. [Henry], you aren't a cruel person or at least I thought not. It's rather mean-spirited of you to say that my upset is "deliciously ironic." I honestly would never say anything of the sort to you.
Being used is never good. Sorry to hear that.
You did not try to contact me prior to last week or whenever it was. That's what I meant. After we talked on the phone that night, you didn't exactly pursue me and I wasn't seeing anyone then. And I'm pretty sure I was considering the drive. Although I really do hate driving. I don't over-exaggerate. I very much appreciate that you drove ALL that way to see me. I know that it was a long drive. I thought it was sweet, also, that you bought me Girl Scout Cookies and Coke. You were thoughtful. And we still have that book you signed for Hannah. Those things were all sweet. We haven't had the best interactions on occasion, but I still remember nice things about you.
Henry: Haha, I was very nice. And I am very nice. I just thought it funny that you dropped me and then you got dropped.
For whatever reason, I tried to reach out again a few days later and he never replied and we never spoke again.
Finding Dr Henry’s obituary
In 2021, I found Dr Henry’s obituary. I’m not sure what had made me curious that day. I told Michael (when I sent the link to him on WhatsApp) that I was thinking about publishing and that sort of made me think of Dr Henry (because he’d been published) and that brief time I dated him.
He died at the age of 35 in February 2015 in Tennessee “at his residence.” Had he taken his own life? I don’t know any of the details and I have no way to find out – not that it’s any of my business. We were less than nothing to each other in the end.
He’d worked as a professor of Medieval Literature in Tampa at some point and before that (details I sort of knew), being very outdoorsy, he had been a “park ranger for the Georgia Department of Natural Resources as well as freelance writer and photographer.”
The obituary said further, “In addition to his academic work, he wrote nine books including his latest [a book about snakes]. He also published articles in hobbyist magazines such as Reptiles and Tropical Fish Hobbyist.” I didn’t include the title because it was Google-able to him and I want to protect his anonymity.
Well played, Dr Henry, you got almost 15,000 words out of me in these three chapters (sorry, readers). Probably not the legacy you’d want to leave behind, though. And certainly not from me.
Oh and it mentioned he was engaged to the “friend” Autumn he went to the conference with and they had a son together.
When I sent the obituary to Brittany, she did say she’d gotten a sense they were together and she was shocked I’d flirted with him in front of her but they also acted like they weren’t together (or maybe Autumn told her that directly) and maybe they hadn’t been at the time but realised they liked each other later. I hope they were happy for the years they had together.
I guess a lot can happen in half a decade. His “widow” is the Assistant Dean at a university in Florida and I hope she’s long forgotten me and that very insignificant part I played in their story. I hope he treated her well as she deserved and that, eight years later, she’s long healed from the heartbreak of losing him.
Next up, when I (kind of) had sex on a boat with one of the International Boys. (These things are always more glam-sounding than in reality.)
Don’t forget to check out the other forty posts I’ve written, including the one on why I’m writing this newsletter/blog in the first place – and the odd “present day snippet” of what I’m up to lately.
Did you ever leave things on a bad note with someone? How did you feel about it?
P.S. If you ever catch a typo in a post, feel free to message me because I’d rather fix it! Despite the fact I’m an editor for a living, these posts are hobby writing and I write and edit these fairly quickly.