BONUS MATERIAL: THE KIND CAPTAIN BEGINNINGS

Was I in an alternate library in Beauty and the Beast or in some in-between world?

If you missed the first post about Captain Bookworm, the Kind Captain, look no further.

#62 THE KIND CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN BOOKWORM: MY MYSTERIOUS RESCUER

Here’s our original message exchange as bonus material. I reserve bonus material for my paid subscribers and I generally send any paid posts only to them and not to everyone. Thanks for your support. More than anything, I’m thrilled that people tune in each week to read words I’ve written.

On OkCupid, the Kind Captain (KC) had a 77% match, 68% friend, and 19% enemy score. I’m not sure what OKC was about with these scores. Did they expect ‘enemies to lovers’ as if it was a rom-com?

I have no idea what ‘the apps’ are like now, but I’ve heard they are terrible and most of the good stuff is now a paid-for feature, which defeats the object of free dating sites in the first place. Isn’t the whole idea that they are useful? I suppose not really because they want people to break up so they can continue to have customers. Success stories aren’t good for business, which reminds me that my husband Michael and I did meet on OkCupid and so far, we are still going strong so should we write to them as some sort of case study?

But all the way back then, in 2011, none of my future self had happened and I was stuck being the total ‘hot mess’ to use a perfect Southern (Georgia and elsewhere) phrase. This was also before I had a smartphone so I used the website to log in and didn’t check messages on my flip-phone or anything (not that that would have been possible). Others at this point had been merrily using their iPhones but I was a broke almost-graduated grad student who had just moved to Columbus, Georgia from my graduate school hometown for a teaching job that would absolutely suck the life out of me and also not pay me much.

Even to disclose how low the pay was would make anyone wonder why I moved to Columbus and took the risk in the first place. It was probably because it felt ‘safer’ to be working in the same town as my best friend, Brittany, than the alternative in my uni town, which was being broke and jobless, not knowing where I’d find the rent money, and I was probably a month or two away from having to move back home with my Mama and Stepfather in Florida.

Anyone remember Kenan and Kel?

The messages began in August 2011.

KC: I'm pretty sure most guys usually send one-line messages the gist of which is "waz up." I apologize, because I'm not really able to do much better right now. I guess my profile picture of kittens will have to do the talking for me, at least for now.

This line is funny and I wonder if it was semi-personalised or if KC used this line on all the ladies! Remember the days of “wazzup”? I’ll paste a couple of YouTube vids if A) you’re too young to know this terrible cultural moment; B) you are too ‘old’ and missed it; or C) you lived under a rock (which is how I am now about ‘cultural moments’ but wasn’t then).

Also, Scary Movie. Remember those? Remember Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer?

But what came first? The Bud commercial or the parody in Scary Movie? I will never know! I still didn’t get an answer on this whole ‘very mindful, very demure’ thing that’s making the rounds. And by ‘making the rounds’ I mean it probably ‘made the rounds’ months ago and I’m only now just seeing it because I get everything from Twitter third hand from Instagram and secondhand TikToks the same way.

Elaine: The kittens – I'll have to say – are rather appealing. How're you?

Our conversation began in late August and went all the way to mid-October without, seemingly, anything progressing until we arranged to meet for lunch after he’d seen me from afar one night.

The conversation continued.

KC: Thanks! I'm good. Though there is a fifty/fifty chance that I'm about to spend two weeks living in the woods.

Elaine: That doesn't sound all that appealing unless there are bathrooms. Why's that?

KC: I'm trying to get into a two-week program that prepares you for Ranger School. Neither of those two schools has bathrooms in the woods. And no, it isn't very appealing.

Elaine: Good luck camping, then. I hope you enjoy Ranger School as well. Tell me about yourself.

It’s now become a job interview. “Please give me a self-summary. Plus, describe yourself in three animals. Do you like the colour green and what’s your philosophy on fairy dust?” I’d become all too familiar with ‘Ranger School’ from my first husband and from dating Captain Thor.

In case anyone cares, US Army PT shirts were actually an ugly shade of grey with black letters but the shorts look roughly the same as this GIF.

KC: Shoot, what's to say at this point? I am essentially a meat popsicle, the human equivalent of a sea cucumber. I eat, I do my Army job (which at this point is essentially waiting for my next school), read books, mess about on the internets, and read. If I'm feeling specially daring, I go ride my motorcycle in the countryside. What about yourself?

Elaine: I'm trying to adjust to my new teaching job in Columbus. I'm used to teaching at a university and now I'm teaching at a technical college; I like it so far, but I'm not used to waking up before 8 am and I'm not used to my new home. It was a last-minute decision, so I miss my home and friends in Valdosta for now, but I'll adjust. I'm actually back in Valdosta now and will pack over the weekend and move my stuff into storage until I get a permanent place in Columbus. Do you like Columbus?

More of my usual moaning about teaching. I didn’t even ask about the motorcycle! And now I wish I slept past 8 am…

KC: Actually, I do. It took a while to grow on me, but once I started to befriend some of the locals (read: bartenders and restaurant workers downtown) and started exploring the countryside I've come to like this area. It's no ATL, and there's definitely not as much to do, but it has a decent small town feel to it. The only really negative thing about it is the bar/club scene on Friday and Saturday night, where guys from Benning swarm in scenes reminiscent of insect mating rituals.

Ha! That was a pretty good line! And that is what it was like at the Columbus bars which seemed good to me at the time since I was one of the insects…

Elaine: Haha! Well, when I get settled I'll have to come party with you and see for myself this infestation. Valdosta is small, but it's my university town so it has a different feel to it. I like how Columbus pays attention to aesthetics – it's a very pretty city; however, I'm not used to it yet. The traffic is insane.

KC: Columbus has put a lot of effort into making itself "nice.” In Brooklyn, it would be called gentrification. Here it's more like trying not to look like Phenix City. And, most def, though my definition of partying mostly involves reading books or catching up on my HBO stories. If I don't get into this class today, I'll be around for a couple of weeks.

I was not yet at this stage of my life. Reading, unfortunately, was reserved for graduate school reading and I’d not yet re-discovered my love of books for pleasure and I still had that itching feeling that if I wasn’t out and ‘seen’ and dressed up, I wasn’t living. Another case of wrong place, wrong time, wrong life stage. The 30s are perfect for being a total hermit and loving home comforts and finding going out more than the odd few times a month more of a ballache than a pleasure. Back then, if I wasn’t going out most days of the week, I felt untethered.

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